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I give her a long look. “I don’t know. He denies it, but… isn’t it weird that we both thought the same thing immediately about my brother being guilty? That makes me think even more that he did it, which is so in character for him.”
“I mean… yeah, I can’t exactly deny that it sounds like an Andries move, especially younger Andries.” Her tone turns gentle. “I suppose it must have been tough to be ghosted by the man you love for three years.”
I can feel the familiar lump building in my throat that always seems to appear whenever I think of what Johan and I shared that summer, and his abandonment afterward. Even if I know now that it wasn’t his fault, it doesn’t erase the hurt I felt back then, or all the years we missed out on. By now, Johan has probably been with other girls, maybe even loved some of them, but I can’t even be mad about it because I’ve been hooking up with Dan! Johan and I could make up, but it wouldn’t ever make up for what was lost. If only one of us had been a little less stubborn and tried harder to reach out, or, in my case, reach out at all, it could have all been avoided.
“He even told me he would come back for next year’s summer camp, but of course he never did… so yeah. It hurt a lot. It felt like he dropped off the face of the earth, but what made it even worse was seeing him go about his normal life on social media whenever I looked him up. If he missed me, it didn’t show. He says now that he did, but it’s still so new, thinking that Johan might have missed me that entire time.”
Roxanne’s face is soft as she stands, coming to sit on the bench seat beside me. “So where does Dan fit into all of this?”
I cross my legs, my foot bouncing as I try to bleed off some of the nervous energy this conversation is building up in me. Spilling my feelings out like this isrough. “That’s hard to say. Dan has always been around it feels like. When I was going through my stuff with Johan, I kept it to myself, even though I thought he was the one, you know? My family loved Johan, and Dad and Mom were so happy and proud to meet him. It felt meaningful. But the whole time Dan was there in the background, being annoying and goofy… I can’t pinpoint when exactly it happened, but the way I looked at Dan changed, and now I feel like he’s filling that gap that Johan left behind.”
“You don’t sound happy about that last point,” Roxie says.
“No, not really,” I sigh. “That isn’t fair to Dan. He’s not a replacement for Johan, but I can’t help but feel like he helped heal that hurt in me, and it’s impossible not to compare the two men I’ve had such deep feelings for.”
“Are you afraid that since Johan broke your heart, Dan might do the same?” she queries, reaching forward into the fruit bowl and pulling out a clementine, peeling the orange skin back.
“I wasn’t at first.” I take the piece of the clementine Roxanne offers, chewing it thoughtfully as the sweet juice coats my tongue. “I was more worried that Dan would never ditch his playboy lifestyle, but he proved pretty quickly that he would without issue. But now Dan is convinced that I will go back to Johan so he already ended whatever we had going on.”
Tears prick the corners of my eyes, and I bring the corner of the towel I’m laying on up to dab them away, not wanting to touch my eyes with my salty fingers. “I know the situations are completely different,” I continue as I focus to keep my emotions at bay, “but neither man has given me any control over how our relationships have ended. It’s stupid. They’re stupid.”
To my surprise, I feel Roxanne's small hand take mine. Her skin is soft and warm from the tanning, and the gesture is more comforting than I would have expected. The tears threaten to make a second appearance, but I blink them away.
“Maybe it’s for the better,” she tells me quietly, squeezing my hand.
We sit there in the quiet, only the sounds of the sea birds and the background chatter from other people touring the Blue Grotto cutting through the air. The sailing yacht bobs gently in the water, the motion making me a little sleepy after spilling all my emotions out to Roxanne, but the calm of it all is interrupted as Lili and Robin return, climbing onto the boat. They’re all smiles and excitement, Lili’s eyes wide as she gushes about how incredible it all is.
“Go swim again before we leave,” she insists as she reaches her sister. “You’ll regret it if you don’t!”
I look at Roxanne, who nods in agreement. “Yeah, I could go again. I want to make sure I see everything so I can really rub it in Andries’s face when we get back. This place has to be better than some dumb racing boat.”
Our masks, snorkels, and flippers are sitting in the back of the boat, so we sit on the edge as we put them on for the second time today. Having my nose covered and the smell of the plastic and rubber is unpleasant, but once we tilt ourselves into the sapphire water, the small inconveniences fade away in the majesty of it all.
There are none of the colorful fish I’ve seen while snorkeling in other places here. The main draw is the otherworldly Blue Grotto itself, accessible from a small cave entrance that would make me claustrophobic if I didn’t know what waited beyond it. Where the sea is deep blue and stunning on the open water, here in the grotto it’s bluer than seems possible, almost glowing with radiance. Above, the ceiling, which had been carved by the waves long ago, ripples as the glowing water and sparse sunshine dip into crevices. Here, it feels like we really are on some alien planet.
I surface, noticing Roxanne is still swimming beneath the water, visible only by her snorkel above the soft waves. Taking off my mask and snorkel, I hold onto them tightly as I float onto my back, buoyed by the salty ocean. It’s so beautiful here that it makes my heart ache, and as I spread my arms, I imagine there was a hand there for me to take. A man floating next to me, intertwining our fingers together and pulling me closer to him so we can share the moment together. In my fantasies, it’s Dan with me, not Johan, but when I close my empty fist I’m brought back to reality.
Damn, I miss him. I really do wish he were here, even if he is a jerk.
5
Elise
Sunset is quickly approachingas the driver pulls the car around to the villa. Despite the low light, it’s still pretty quiet inside and the sight of it makes annoyance bubble up in me again.
“Are you kidding me?” I say, more to myself than anyone else. “They still aren’t back yet?” I rotate in my seat to look at Roxanne, who is sitting beside me with her eyes closed and head leaned back against the headrest, clearly worn out from the day. “Did Andries tell you when they would be back?”
She doesn’t open her eyes, just makes a noise in her throat. “He just told me that they were going to spend the day sailing and would be coming home late. Otherwise, I haven’t spoken to him today.”
“I’m going to call him,” I huff, digging my phone out of my beach bag and pulling up my brother’s contact. Dan’s unanswered text is still sitting there burning a hole in my inbox, but I refuse to give him the satisfaction of responding to his vitriol with more negativity.
The line rings and rings, eventually hitting my brother’s voicemail. With a growl, I toss the phone down on the seat beside me and massage my temples, trying to dispel the headache that is threatening to creep in.
“Just give the boys some space,” Roxie adds. “If you let them know how much this bothers you then they are bound to do it again at the first opportunity.”
“You talk about them like they are naughty children,” Lili laughs from the back seat.
“They are,” Roxanne and I answer at the same time. A reluctant smile tugs at my lips as everyone else cackles, but even this doesn’t do anything for the anger I feel creeping in. How dare they! I expected it from Dan and Andries, but Johan, too? Ugh.
