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Before I’m able to get too far down that rabbit hole, Mateo has pulled me out of the twins’ arms and from under the sleeping bag.
“Breathe in, Paisley. Come on, with me, mi amor,” I think I hear him say. “Paisley, breathe in. You need to take a deep breath in. Watch me and follow my breathing.”
Taking a deep breath, I look at Mateo and do exactly what he is doing. When he breathes in, I breathe in, and when he breathes out, I breathe out. We do this for however long, until I’m exhausted and on the verge of falling asleep.
Can’t sleep. Need to apologize.
I look around for Atlas and Kade. I ruined our night together, and I need to apologize to them. It’s my fault.
“I’m sorry. It’s my fucked-up brain that caused this. If I wasn’t so broken, I wouldn’t be like this,” I tell them, defeated and dejected.
“No, wallflower, whatever happened was not your fault. It was probably our fault. We must have done something. We should be the ones apologizing,” Atlas tells me.
“No, no. It was my fault. I felt something hard against my back and it reminded me of that night, so I started hyperventilating because of it. You did nothing wrong, I promise. You were asleep until I woke everyone up. Well, except for Luca. He stayed asleep until you all started moving around the tent.”
Looking over to Luca, I see the worry in his eyes. It’s evident that he wants to help, but doesn’t know how.
Checking his watch, he looks at me.
“Happy eighteenth birthday, Paisley!” he signs joyfully.
“Thank you. I don’t feel any different. What time is it, exactly?” I sign to him.
“It’s about three-thirty in the morning. We should try to get some more sleep, though. We have a long drive tomorrow. I think Atlas wants to wake up around six,” Luca signs.
“Happy birthday,” comes from the other three.
I beam at each of them, wanting to cry, but holding it in. I already cried. I won’t cry again.
Nodding my head, I look back to Mateo and kiss his cheek for helping me. He heads back over to his sleeping bag and gets back into it and rolls over. I look at the twins now, and they just lie beside me on their sides while I lie on my back. This seems like the best way to avoid stuff on my back.
“We are sorry again,” Kade says.
“Please don’t apologize. It was really my fault,” I say out loud.
“No, it’s no one’s,” Atlas says.
“Okay so then you stop apologizing,” I demand.
“Only if you do,” they both say in unison.
“Fine,” I mutter.
I close my eyes and count bubble numbers, starting at one. I’m asleep before I hit twenty-five.
* * *
“Wake up, Paisley Girl,” Kade whispers in my ear seductively.
I shiver, not because I’m cold, but because of his damn whispers. He knows exactly what that does to me, and he keeps doing it.
“Do you think you could stop whispering in my ear with that tone please?” I beg. “I know you know what it does to me, and I can’t think when I’m like this.”
“I’m sorry, Paisley. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” he says.
“You don’t. I just can’t really do much thinking when you do that,” I admit.
Finally getting up and trying to ignore the feeling that Kade’s whispers give me, I notice that it’s just Kade and me in the tent.
