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“Relax, besides, I’m still early,” she says, giving me a smile.
I forgot. She’s boning the boss so I don’t think she’d get into trouble for being late. I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that she’s dating Knox’s dad. As if the douche needs another reason to hate me.
I sigh and then send Kinsley a text, asking her what her plans for the day are. I’m wondering if she’ll go to school or if she’ll ditch and come hang out with me. After texting her, I slowly make my way out of my bed and walk into my bathroom. I take my clothes off and throw them into the hamper. I stand in front of the mirror for a few minutes and look at the cuts I made last night and my body in general.
I hate how it looks. I was just starting to feel comfortable in the body I have but the constant voices tearing me down has made me hate it again. I’ll never be a skinny girl no matter what I do or how hard I try. I hate the old scar and now the new ones with all the slurs I’ve been called written on my skin with the razor blade I used last night. I look at the red outlines and whisper them out at myself in the mirror.
When the last word leaves my lips, I feel myself get choked up and tears stream down my face.
Trying not to make a sound, in case my mom comes back into my room while I’m in here, I choke back the tears and will myself to stop crying. Once I do, I brush my teeth and then step into the shower to take a quick one.
I really don’t feel too hot today. My body is dragging and I’m moving so slow, almost as though I’m in some sort of fog I can’t get out of.
Okay, maybe I’m being a chicken. I don’t want to face Knox or anyone else today. What if I go to school today and they all know what happened? I mean, he’s blackmailing me. He has video evidence of what happened between us not once but twice, and I can’t deal with any of that today. I want to hide and act like things are fine. It’s fine, everything is totally fine.
I turn the water on and as soon as the hot water touches my skin, I let out a hiss at the pain caused by the hot water touching my skin. Fucking hell, that shit hurts.
I quickly wash myself and hop out of the shower. No need to torture myself more than I already have. I dry my skin and wrap my towel around my body before walking back into my room.
I head for my closet and take out one of my oversized hoodies and a pair of shorts to wear. I can’t let my mom see any of the cuts I made on my skin or she’d kill me herself. Plus, there’s the bite mark that Knox left on my neck.
In all honesty, I don’t want her to lecture me or anything like that. Right now, I wouldn’t even be able to explain what the hell is happening with me, which is too much at once. I’m barely hanging on by a thread here.
When I come back out of my closet, I see that she’s left my food on a tray on my bed. I walk over and sit down on my bed before digging in. She made toast and eggs along with a glass of apple juice.
I take about two bites of my food and then stop when I hear the voices in my head telling me that I shouldn’t eat because I’m already overweight.
They all reverberate in my head on a constant loop and I push the food away, having lost my appetite. I let out a groan as I move to put the tray on the nightstand next to my bed.
I hate that it feels like I’m letting the bullies win, but my confidence has already taken a hit. I don’t know how to get my old self back—the one who didn’t care what others thought of her.
I’m so fucking exhausted right now, I think I’m just going to sleep the rest of the day away. Mom probably left already, so I walk out of my room and into hers. I walk straight into her bathroom and search in her medicine cabinet for her sleeping pills.
I grab two. I think that should be enough and walk back into my room. I took valium from her which is way better than Advil PM since this is prescribed to her. This is the good stuff and will make me sleep for the rest of the day since I’m tired anyway.
I grab a bottle of water from my nightstand and down it along with the two pills and then crawl into bed. I lie, staring up at the ceiling, and a few minutes later, I feel the pills beginning to work. In no time, I’m passed out.
ChapterSixteen
KNOX
I liein bed as my mind goes through everything that happened yesterday—from finding out that my dad and Raine’s mom are getting married, to letting my anger take over me and going over there because I wanted to make her hurt.
But that backfired because I finally gave in to the lust I’ve been feeling for weeks. She can act like she doesn’t want me, but her body’s reaction to me can’t deny it. I was really fucking surprised that she was a virgin.
Even though she’s nerdy and isn’t a social butterfly, I’d thought she’d at least had sex before. I wouldn’t change a thing about fucking her. Now that I know I’m the only man who’s ever been inside her pussy, I’m going to make sure it stays that way.
I don’t know why I feel this way about her, knowing what I know, but I can’t fucking help myself. That’s why she’s now my toy to play with as I wish. She knows what’s at stake here so she better do as she’s told. I’m going to use her pussy until I get tired of it and then I’ll discard her like the nothing that she is. I’ll make sure she feels the brunt of all my anger.
I was so pissed and fucking gutted when I heard the news from my father. It hasn’t even been a full month yet since my mother was buried, and he’s getting married again? What a fucking inconsiderate asshole. I had a feeling this was coming.
Sometimes I get so consumed with anger that all I want to do is strangle her and watch the life bleed out of her and that thought scares me. I’ve never wanted to hurt someone the way I want to hurt her.
I’m an asshole, yes, but I’ve never contemplated outright killing someone before. Lately, that’s all I want to do when I think about her. Maybe if I did what I wanted to do, then the pain inside me will lessen or just go away all together.
Don’t worry, I know it doesn’t fucking work like that even if I wish it did. The hate for my father consumes me on days when I’m vulnerable. I know he didn’t put a gun to her head, but the things he did were what sent her over the edge and made her do what she did. I’m still pissed at her too.
In all honesty, yesterday did not turn out how I expected it to. In a way, you can say it backfired on me. When I got to her house, all I wanted to do was make her bleed—well, technically, I did make her bleed… on my cock.
