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I stared into Ash’s room before I flipped the switch. Light flooded the space. It was like he’d never left. More than once, I’d told him he could move all his stuff up to my room, but he insisted he didn’t want to take up my space. Now, everything was just the way it was when he was home earlier. Clothes neatly hung up in the closet, several pairs of shoes I’d snuck out and purchased him lined the bottom of the bed on the floor, and his water glass was still on the nightstand. A smile tugged at my lips.
Little shit refuses to drink the bottle shit unless he’s desperate.
It always had to be water from the fridge, with extra ice, and if it wasn’t almost overflowing, he pulled a face. Did he even know he was so particular? That he was a pain in the ass, but that I loved it? He became so unlike that fake, bullshit image of him when we met. He was alive. Ash wanted things, demanded things, smiled at me when he was being a manipulative little shit, and I loved it all. To see the real him had been some of the best times of my life.
And now he was gone.
Bile rose in the back of my throat as I wavered.Fuck this shit.I needed to get his crap out of my place so I could stop thinking about him. Go drown my sorrows at Blu or maybe go to the brothel and pick up something to distract me. Anything was better than the never-ending searing pain that tore through my chest and made me want to scream.
I pushed off the wall and beelined for the kitchen. The first heave happened over the sink. Every bit of food I’d eaten ejected from my body until I couldn’t bring anything else up. My throat burned, I coughed, and I finally sat up. Panting, I grabbed a glass and rinsed out my mouth with tap water. I took to the bathroom to brush my teeth before I ended up right back in the kitchen again and found a bottle of vodka. It didn’t matter that I’d been sucking down tequila before. I didn’t care.
I wasn’t sure what drew me back to Ash’s room, but there I was. Wavering, lingering, surrounded by that smell that was uniquely him. It wasn’t cologne, soap, or shampoo; it was the way his skin smelled when I buried my nose into the crook of his neck. The way I sang to him sometimes while he laughed and begged me to shut up before his ears bled. My chest tightened, the air sucked right out of me. I stumbled forward until I sank onto the bed.
“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!”
My eyes wouldn’t stop burning, but I refused to be a little bitch and cry. I laid back. My head hit something. I sat back up, turned around, and plucked up the box that was sitting there. How had I missed this before? I shook the box before pulling the ribbon that encased it. Carefully, I removed the top.
There was an envelope on top that had my name written on it. Giancarlo. My fingers ran over the letters. It was Ash’s writing; delicate, hesitant, and slanted. Slowly, I turned the envelope over and opened it. A card slipped out. The red and white card was littered with little pink hearts. I laughed immediately.
“What the fuck is this?”
Giancarlo,
I really don’t know what to say. You always know what you want to say and can speak without even thinking. Sometimes that’s a bad thing, but I really think I like it. It’s like you’re free in ways nobody else will ever be. I’m jealous of that. Never thought I would admit that, but I’m writing this just the way you speak. Without thinking. I’ve had this gift for over a month now, but I couldn’t figure out when to give it to you. At first, I was going to have it delivered and let you find it, but I stole it before you could see it. The timing wasn’t right. You took me driving that day, and I wanted to give it to you then too. And that restaurant, the one with the awesome burgers and country music? I thought maybe that was the perfect time. I don’t know why I didn’t give it to you. Maybe I’m scared. Anytime I’ve ever wanted something, it’s been snatched away from me. I guess I’m too nervous. No, I’m too much of a coward to tell you the truth in person because every time I try, I fuck up and forget how to move my lips. I love you. I don’t know when I fell in love with you because, honestly, you’re annoying as hell. You’re pushy, annoying, loud, annoying, ridiculous, and annoying. Those stupid nicknames you give me alone! (I secretly love them. You took the time to give me dumb nicknames. I’ve never had that before). Even with all of your many, many, many, many, many, many, MANY flaws, I still love you. I don’t want to leave your side. Even once I pay you back, can I stay? Please? I want to be here with you.
God, this is embarrassing. I don’t even know if I’ll give you this letter. “Who writes a fucking letter?” I can already hear you saying that now. Anyway, if I don’t, then this is just me getting my feelings out because I’m too much of a little bitch to do it in person. And if I don’t give it to you? Well, then, you’ll never know. But I’ll still love you.
Ash
P.S. Look inside your present for the best surprise ever.
I couldn’t swallow around the lump in my throat. Ash suddenly stood before me.He said he loved me. And I shot him down.
I was the worst asshole on Earth. My breathing was shaky as I felt wetness cling to my cheeks. Hands shaking, I opened the box. Inside were a pair of red leather gloves. Not the cheap shit either, high-end. There was another tiny little note under the gloves.
I bought these with my own money so don’t you DARE think I used the money you gave me. I refuse to owe you another dime, you damn loan shark!
There was a little smiley face at the end, and I barked out a bitter laugh. When it came to Ash, there was never any malice in his words. He knew what I was, he accepted me. I grabbed my stomach, trying to calm the ache.Why did you have to go behind my back?I didn’t get it. He loved me this much, wanted me so much, but he lied, day after day, he lied to my fucking face. What was I supposed to think?
I shifted the gloves, running my fingers over the smooth material. Opening them, I looked inside before I choked.Puppy!
“Everyone’s a damn comedian,” I laughed, looking at that label for way too long.
I knew he was making fun of me, calling mehispuppy, but the truth was all I could think about was wearing those gloves with his nickname inside. Knowing that he was close to me, even as I put down wild dogs and kept my family safe. I slipped my hands into them, feeling the comfort, the lightweightness, the luxury. Ash had gone out of his way to get me something amazing. I quickly ripped them off.
“Fuck!”
I shot up, grabbing the bottle of vodka as I limped out of his room. Fuck it. I couldn’t take another second of being in that space where the air smelled like him, and the gloves, stark red and flashy just like me, stood out, accusing me of everything I’d done wrong. I turned, my fist crashing into the wall beside his room. Again, again, and again I punched as my hand throbbed in protest.
A strangled cry left my throat. I couldn’t stop. Had I really just lost the only man I’d ever fallen in love with? Even with the threat, the possibility that he could be playing me and might screw my family and me over looming overhead, I didn’t care. I just wanted him back in my arms, on my lap, wrapped around me while he told me all the filthy things he wanted to do to me before snuggling against my body sore and spent.
“Stop. Hey, stop it! Gin!”
My ears rang as the world around me came back into view. Benito had me slammed against the wall, my back pressed firmly to it as he grabbed my arms and held them there. I pushed against him, trying to break free, but I couldn’t. The more I tried, the more force he exerted. My brother was two or three inches shorter than me, and he could still pin me.Fucking annoying.
“Breathe,” he said.
Instantly, my mind went to Ash. His hands on my cheeks, the warmth radiating through me as he said that same word. Breathe. He’d said it, and I sucked in a deep breath and came up sputtering water like a drowning man. Benito saying it felt like I was mired in quicksand, struggling to breathe through mud and dirt, but still fucking fighting. Not actually giving in and feeling better. I loved my brother more than life itself. But I needed Ash.
