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We agreed on fun. Fun I was good with. Great with, even. But when it gets messy and tangled and feelings are involved, that’s where I draw a line. Where I thought we had drawn a line.
“Well, shit changed, Caroline, and I know you feel that. I can’t be the only one that feels this way,” he says, running his hand over his hair as his eyes search mine.
Shaking my head, I back up a step. “You can’t just change things up on me out of the blue, Hudson.”
“I can’t help that I’m falling in love with you,” he yells, his voice raising in frustration. “I cannot fucking help that somewhere along the way, I started to fall in love with you, Caroline. So here we are. I’m asking you for more.”
“You don’t love me,” I whisper, reaching onto the floor for my shorts, then dragging them up my hips, avoiding his gaze. “We agreed from the very beginning that all that would ever be between us is sex, and now you’re talking about relationships and love, meeting your freaking family, and I just—I can’t do this, Hudson. I can’t.” I start throwing the rest of my things into my bag roughly, desperate to get out of this room, away from this conversation that’s making me question everything.
He’s making me question everything.
“What are you so afraid of?” he asks. “I’m risking everything to be with you, Caroline, every single fucking thing, and you’re not risking a goddamn thing. So, tell me, what are you so afraid of? So afraid that you’re pushing me away. That you’re so desperate for someone tonotlove you.” His voice is low, hoarse, and full of emotion. I know I’m hurting him, and I hate it. The broken look on his face, the anger in his eyes. But I’m justsooverwhelmed and have to get out of here.
“I’m afraid of it all,” I force myself to say confidently, even if I feel anything but right now. “Falling in love isn’t for me, Hudson. You’re asking for something that I can’t give you. Something that you have known from the start wasn’t in the cards for us.”
He’s asking for something that I can’t give him.
My heart.
It was the biggest risk of all.
22
CAROLINE
“Tonight is exactly what you need, Care. Let your hair down, and by let your hair down, I mean let your tits out, drink a shit ton of tequila, and make sure that man is the last thing on your mind,” Tatum says as she wraps a piece of my hair around the curling wand. “It’s girls’ night, and that means it’s me and you, babe. No one else. We’re drinking till we puke.”
Laughing, I try not to move so she doesn’t burn me… again. “Um, that does not sound fun. Like, at all, Tate.”
I can see her smirk in the full-length mirror I’m sitting in front of. “I mean, it’ll be fun while we’re doing it, just not the puking part.”
Honestly, tequila does sound like it could be the answer to my problems. At least, right now. For tonight.
My heart twinges. I can’t believe I’m even referring to things with Hudson being a problem.
And okay, fine, maybe tequilaisn’tthe answer because I don’t know what the answer is to my confusion, but it will make me feel better for the time being. Help me just be a carefree college student tonight as I try to forget the fight that may be our ending.
I hate how I left things with him, and I hate that we haven’t spoken at all since, but even if we did, I’m not sure what I would say. I just need some time to think about all he said, all he sprung on me, when I thought we were both on the same page. But maybe not…
“I don’t know, maybe I should just stay here? I don’t want to ruin your fun. I feel so… blah.”
Tatum stops her curling, shaking her head vehemently. “No way. You are going, Caroline. You cannot sit around here all night alone being upset. You need to get out with your friends and have some fun. You can think about the rest later.”
When she says it that way, it does sound perfect. A night out with my bestie and lots of tequila. At least, I keep trying to convince myself of that.
“Look, you look seriously so hot tonight, and there is no way I’m allowing you to let this outfit go to waste. Every guy who sees you tonight is going to lose his mind,” Tatum says, eying the outfit she put me in.
A black leather skirt and a satin cowl-neck cami that shows just the perfect amount of cleavage, paired with the cutest hot pink blazer toeverexist. I’m wearing my favorite pair of black heels, and I really do love the outfit she picked. It accentuates my curves and makes me feel hot as hell.
If only my heart felt up to the party tonight. Isn’t that the problem, though? The fact that my heart is feeling the brunt of what’s happening? That I’mthisupset over “just a hookup”?
Clearly, I have some type of feelings for Hudson that are much deeper than what I thought, or I wouldn’t feel this way.
Right?
My head’s all screwed up, and the more I try to sort through everything, the more confused and conflicted I feel. Our dynamic always felt easy, so why does this feel so hard now?
“Maybe I fucked up, Tate,” I say quietly, my gaze meeting hers in the mirror. “I mean, it feels like I fucked up? Is he right, that I’m scared and pushing him away? If it means that he’s no longer a part of my life, then that isn’t what I want. I do know that…”
