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His face turned tortured. “If you ask me to stay…if you ask me for more, I won’t say no, Lyric. I can’t. I want you so fucking bad.”
My insides liquefied at the need in his voice. At the barely held restraint.
I wanted to give him that permission to let go. To do the things he so badly wanted to do, and yet I couldn’t be the one to do that for him. It had to be his decision.
“You should go, Zeph. I’ll see you soon.” I unwound my legs from around his waist, releasing him.
He nodded stiffly, pushing up off the couch. His gaze wandered over me for a long, hot minute, and then he was gone, as abruptly as he’d arrived.
I was left wondering what the hell had just happened, and who Zeph really was when he wasn’t hiding behind one of his masks.
18
AUGIE
My brother was a good dad. It shouldn’t have been a surprise because Banjo was a good man. Except every time I sat on my bike, watching him chase his small dark-haired daughter around the park, all I could think about was how had he turned out so well, while I…
While I was a fucking prick. A screwed-up loser who dragged everyone around him down into the mud as well.
I took a long inhale on the cigarette, letting the smoke sit in my lungs until it burned and forced its way out. I’d given up the fucking things not long after Banjo had walked himself out of my life. But when Fawn had gone missing, I’d found myself craving them again.
And not just the smokes. Alcohol. Sex. Party drugs. Whatever the hell got me through and eased the pain of knowing I’d fucked up yet again.
Luna was so cute with her pigtails flying out behind her while she ran around on chubby kid legs, giggling hysterically at my brother or one of his partners. God, she seemed happy. So carefree. No idea of the shit Banjo and I had gone through as kids with parents who didn’t give a fuck, and foster parents who were worse. That little girl was so loved and well taken care of; she probably didn’t have a worry in the world.
Banjo caught her around the waist and hefted her up into the air, catching her as she fell back down into his arms. He threw her a few more times while she laughed hysterically, and he grinned at her with a pride I had never seen from our own parents.
Banjo’s partner, Lacey, watched them from a picnic blanket, her head in Colt’s lap. Colt’s family still lived next door to me, but I knew he lived with Lacey and Banjo and their fourth partner, Rafe. Almost everything I knew about my brother and the family he’d made for himself was through Colt’s mom, Willa. Banjo had cut me off completely, and I couldn’t blame him after the things I’d done. I wouldn’t forgive me either, and I wouldn’t ask him to try.
Banjo plunked Luna down on a swing and pushed her gently while Rafe called something to him and they both laughed. They were the perfect picture of family happiness.
I was so fucking happy for him.
And so damn jealous.
Colt called something to Banjo, and then suddenly, all four of them looked in my direction.
“Ah, shit,” I muttered, slinking down on my seat.
But it was really too late for that. The smile slid off Banjo’s face, and Rafe jogged over to him, both of them shooting glances in my direction. Rafe put his hand to the back of Banjo’s neck, talking intently as they distractedly pushed Luna who didn’t seem to have any idea that anything had changed.
I turned the bike on. I’d overstayed my welcome. Not that I’d ever actually been welcome in the first place.
Banjo strode across the grass toward me, face like a thundercloud. Behind him, his family gathered together, Lacey plucking up Luna from the swing and holding her close. Like she was protecting her from her asshole of an uncle.
Fucking hell.
I hugged my helmet as Banjo approached, and I tried to put in place the cocky asshole routine he knew me for. It was an act I’d perfected as a kid, and it kept the vulnerable parts of me protected. They’d been stomped on so hard lately; they couldn’t handle another attack. I needed my walls up. Especially around Banjo because his rejection hurt more than any other.
“Hey, little brother,” I drawled. “Fancy seeing you here.”
He stopped a foot away from the bike and eyed me carefully. Distrustfully. He was right to do so. I wasn’t the reliable brother. I was the one who fucked everything up and I couldn’t blame him for not wanting me around.
He folded his arms across his chest. “You look like shit, Augie.”
He was right, but it hurt anyway. I wouldn’t show that though. “Luna is getting big.”
He stiffened. “Stay away from her.”
