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It was a bitch. It had been killing my grandmother slowly for the past two years, rapidly progressing from general forgetfulness to her being incapable of listening out for Amelia while I was at work. I’d had to hire Peggy to care for them both five nights a week, for fear Gran would leave the gas stove top on and burn the place down with the two of them in it.
“Hang in there. You’re doing a good job, kid.”
Peggy’s words of praise created tears in the backs of my eyes, but I turned away quickly. I didn’t cry. I didn’t show emotion at all. I was the tough nut at the club. The one who called it as I saw it and gave no shits about the consequences. The one who thought nothing of going up against a man twice my size, my fingers clenched into fists, ready to fight.
I was tough as nails. Strong as steel. This place had forced me into that role, because weak people didn’t survive here.
There was no respite from it. I never got to let my guard down. Tonight had been proof of that.
So instead of crying over how tired I was, how scared I was about my grandmother’s health, and how terrifying it was to be raising a little girl in this sort of environment, I pulled my shoulders back, said goodbye to Peggy, and strode into the room I shared with Amelia.
I’d done the best I could to make her side of the room cute, with a rainbow poster, pink bedspread, and glow stars stuck to the ceiling.
I crawled into bed, knowing it was a mistake, but my gritty eyes demanded I take the one hour of sleep before my alarm would go off and I’d have to get up to dress Amelia for daycare.
I fell asleep with the tattooed arms of a priest on my mind.
I’d recognized him as soon as I’d stopped laying into him.
His image seeped its way into my dreams, which were dark and violent. I tossed and turned, sleeping for only minutes at a time, until the creeping sensation of being watched took over and I woke with a start.
I almost welcomed my alarm going off, but analyzing my dreams didn’t improve my mood any. I hadn’t even apologized to the man. He’d scared off that creep from the club, and I hadn’t even said thank you. What was wrong with me?
I glanced over at Amelia and smiled at the little bundle, still sleeping soundly in the home I’d provided for her. I knew it wasn’t much. I knew we weren’t always safe here, but I was doing my best. My girl was thriving despite our shitty circumstances.
I dragged myself up and perched on the edge of her bed, brushing my fingertips over her forehead and cheeks gently, smoothing back hair that was the exact same color as mine. “Hey, Slugger. It’s morning time.”
She blinked sleepy eyes twice, before focusing on me. Her grin spread across her rounded face like a wildfire, and she was suddenly awake and full of energy. “Mommy!”
She sprang up from beneath the mess of bedclothes and threw her arms around me. “I had a dream about a serpent, but when he tried to bite me, I ran away real fast. He couldn’t catch me ’cause I ran like the wind. Just like you taught me.”
I grinned down at her. “You are really fast now.”
She nodded proudly. “I won a race at daycare. I beat all the boys and everything.”
“That’s my girl. Speaking of, it’s time to get ready. Get up, brush your teeth, and we’ll find you some clothes. We’re going to have to leave early and get the bus because my car isn’t working.”
She trotted off to the bathroom, not questioning why my car was off the road again. It happened so often she was likely used to it.
I sorted through her drawers, frowning at the few T-shirts Amelia owned. They were all clean. It wasn’t part of Peggy’s job, but the woman was a literal saint on earth and had taken to doing laundry while Gran and Amelia slept. But even with Peggy’s scrubbing and the swirling of the washing machine, Amelia’s clothes all looked grubby. They might have smelled fresh, but they’d been worn hard and showed the evidence of blueberry stains, red food coloring, and general yellowing because even to begin with, they were old hand-me-downs I’d gotten free from someone in a buy, sell, swap group.
I sighed. That money I’d lost tonight could have bought my daughter a lot of new clothes. Now, I’d have to spend what I had made on Peggy’s paycheck.
But there was no use crying over spilled milk. I chose an outfit that was the least stained and pulled it on over my daughter’s head when she reappeared from the bathroom. We both knew the drill, and within minutes, she was dressed, shoes on, hair braided neat and tidy. She grabbed a banana and a Pop-Tart from the kitchen while I ducked next door to tell Geraldine I was leaving. She listened out for my gran when Peggy wasn’t here. In return, I vacuumed her floors and cleaned her bathroom once a week.
It was a great deal for her, less so for me, but it did give me peace of mind and saved me from taking my grandma with me everywhere I went. And it didn’t cost me anything but my time.
By the time Amelia and I got out the door, my eyes were drooping again. I slapped myself twice, trying to wake up. Getting on a bus to take her to daycare was the last thing I felt like doing, but if I kept her home, there was no way at all I’d get any sleep because she would be bouncing around the place and needing my supervision.
I almost wept with joy when my car was in its usual parking spot, a note beneath the windshield wipers from Terry, the club bouncer.
Saw it still in the lot when I was leaving. Got it going well enough for now. You’re in trouble for walking home instead of letting one of us help though. Eve is going to have your head. Key’s in your mailbox. Terry x
I kissed the note since Terry wasn’t around, detoured via the row of mailboxes, and retrieved the key sitting inside on a pile of unpaid bills. Ignoring those, I strapped Amelia in tight, gave her a picture book to flip through, then drove through Saint View to the neighboring town of Providence.
Providence was everything Saint View wasn’t, with its big houses, expensive cars, and obvious wealth. Amelia’s daycare was right in the heart of it.
Everybody applauded me for sending her there. She was the poor kid in the fancy school, and all my friends were so proud of me when I’d said I wanted to break the cycle, make sure she got the very best education and every advantage I hadn’t had.
