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How does one proposition a guy in writing? Should I be formal? Or blunt? Flirty? To the point? Ugh, I don’t want to beat around the bush, but I don’t want to come off as impatient or demanding, either. I’m already going to sound desperate; that’s a given.
Seriously, how am I supposed to ask someone via email to teach me how to boink without emotion? This isn’t as simple as inviting someone out for a cup of coffee or trying to get their phone number. This is asking someone I barely know to rub body parts with me while I learn not to care.
No, that’s not awkward at all.
I feel dumb. Other women don’t have to write down this kind of request. Kami would never stoop to something this absurd. If she wanted to get horizontal with a guy, she would just walk right up to him, wink, and lead him to the nearest flat surface, where she would rock his world and leave him with a loopy smile.
Me? My tongue ties in ten knots, and I lose all semblance of intelligent conversation. Then the minute the clothes come off, I start picturing white lace and promises.
Maybe Iambetter off typing this out.
Subject: A Dirty AF Proposition
Dear [guy I have selected],
I’ve always believed in commitment and ultimately marriage. But recent events have forced me to change my thinking. So I have a proposition. I would like your help learning how to hookup without feelings. (Yes, I know that sounds crazy.) In exchange, I’ll be your easy booty call until I get things right. Of course, you can say no. (You probably will.) But on the offchance I haven’t put you to sleep or weirded you out yet, be assured I don’t expect—or want—anything except your help. If you’re batshit enough to say yes, let’s discuss the terms and conditions of getting sweaty and frisky. Thanks bunches!
Okay, that’s clearly too flippant, but I feel ridiculous.
Suddenly, a deep, dark voice calls my name. “Ms. Young?”
Startled, I look up and find my very sexy boss staring at me impatiently. How long has he been standing there? When did he sneak up? What is he thinking? I can’t tell. He’s so hard to read.
Though he can’t see my screen, I still minimize my email and smile professionally. “Is there something I can do for you, Mr. Knight?”
He doesn’t speak right away, just stares. Somehow, his blue eyes make me feel naked. I repress a shiver. My heart is fluttering. Is there any chance at all he’s into me?
I tell myself to stop being starry-eyed.
“You didn’t hear me? I need this morning’s meeting minutes.”
See? All he wants is a recap of this morning’s touch base, not happily ever after.
Way to go, Kiera… This is exactly why you need to find Professor Boinkfest.
“Of course.” I paste on a smile. But seriously, I could stare into his eyes all day…
I’m more than half expecting he’ll turn away and resume his undoubtedly busy day, but he’s still watching me like he has something on his mind. OMG, did he somehow see my screen after all?
It’s not possible, but I still feel a blush creeping up my face, and I look away. “Do you need anything else?”
“That should do it. Thank you.”
Then he’s gone. I watch him retreat to his office and close the doors behind him. What was the long, searching glance about? Was it me? Do I have something on my face? Was he somehow reading my monitor?
With a shake of my head, I call up my seriously horrible email. Obviously, I’m not sending this to anyone…though Kami would probably get a giggle out of it. I’ll shoot it her way as soon as I’m done with the meeting minutes.
Twenty minutes later, as I finish typing, I hear someone clearing their throat. I look up to see one of the coders who works a few floors below.
“What can I do for you, Dan?”
He gives a half smile, his bald head glistening under the fluorescent lights. He holds a large cup of coffee, his fingers fidgeting like it’s hot. Or like he’s nervous.
“I need to see Mr. Knight this afternoon. Can I get on his calendar?”
“Unfortunately, today is packed. Let me see if he has any availability tomorrow.”
I launch the online calendar. Dan somehow loses his grip on the Styrofoam cup, dumping the hot liquid all over my desk.
