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His eyes danced across my face then he nodded. “I appreciate everything that you just said—but I won’t be the one to stopthis. I’ve waited too long for someone like you to come into my life.And as far as expectations go? I don’t have any of you either. You owe me nothing, and if you feel at any point that our affair needs to end, then just tellme. Okay?”
“I will.”
Zac gently took my face into his hands, ran his thumb across my bottom lip, and then kissed me once more.
After we told each other goodbye, I watched him get into his car and drive away. When I could no longer see his white Chevy Blazer, I went back inside my house and made myself a Hendricks and tonic with lime. Lots of lime, just like my secret lover preferred. Then I walked outside onto my back patio with my drink, journal, pen, and my cellphone.
Sitting at the patio table now, I set my playlist to random. Another one of Norah Jones’ songs didn’t come on, though. One that I’d recently added to the playlist did. It was a song titled “Hurt Nobody.” Andrew Belle sang it, and he did an amazing job of it, too. I loved his voice. It was smooth and also sultry—just like Zac had described Norah Jones’s.
“Hurt Nobody” was a song that got to me the first time I heard it. It wasn’t only due to Andrew Belle’s singing ability. It also had to do with the lyrics. I’d first interpreted them as a scenario that involved a man who was crazy about a woman but the woman had never noticed him before. The man wanted her so much and he also wanted to do right by her. He didn’t want anybody to get hurt.
The scenario was an innocent one but now, listening to this song again, I could see how the lyrics also applied to a not-so-innocent scenario involving a man and a woman. A scenario like the one I’d allowed myself to get caught up in with Zac. A scenario that had “hurt”written all over it. Still—I was willing to take this risk because I wanted that kinsman of mine. He was as soothing to me as the ocean had always been, and all I wanted todo was to continue immersing myself within his tranquil, deep waters every chance I got.
I was well aware that all ofthisthat he and I were doing could all come to an end at any time. Even today. Zac could make it home with Malcolm, think about the risky pathway down which we’d both agreed to journey, and decide to turn back. If he did, then he did. I’d be fine either way. I felt like no matter what happened, he and I would always be good friends, even if we had to stop being lovers.
I started “Hurt Nobody” over again and by the time it ended, I’d finished my drink. Then I opened up my journal to begin making my entry for today. The only words that came to me were: “To thine own self be true.” My mom’s favorite quote. I wrote it down, scribbled the date at the bottom of the page, closed my journal, and then jumped into the pool to float for a while. And also wait for Zac’s phone call.
15
#sohelpmegod
Stevie
BY THE TIMEZac called me last night, I’d already put a guilt trip on myself for allowing things to go as far as they had with him. Was I being true to myself? Yes and no. The way I was raised was currently sparring with the newly single me who was now viewing life through a different set of eyes that I never imagined having.
When Zac called me at 9:00 p.m. on the dot., he thanked me again for the mermaid adventure I’d taken Malcolm on earlier. Right after that, he moved into talking about us. He wanted to know when he could see me again. That was when I told him about my internal tug-of-war about what we were doing, plus how I felt it was best for everyone involved if he and I stoppedthisright where it was.
He grew quiet after I explained myself to him, then finally said, “I understand. But please don’t stop talking to me, Stevie. I need your companionship.”
I agreed, because I needed his too, and then we went back to chatting with each other and kept the subject matter light. It was strained, awkward and disappointing, though. It was also something I should’ve expected to happen. It was hard to gobackward after being intimate with someone. Even if it was just kissing.
It wasn’t long after our conversation became such a struggle that we ended it and hung up. I didn’t bother taking a shower before going to bed. I just crawled underneath my covers with damp pool-water hair and the scent of chlorine on my skin. When I woke up this morning, Zac was the first thing on my mind. I wondered what time he’d gone to bed last night and how he’d slept. Me? I slept like shit. I tossed and turned all night, struggling with my mess of internal feelings.
After making myself a cup of coffee, the thought of sending Zac a simple “Good morning” text crossed my mind.It would be harmless, I told myself, but then asked myself how I’d feel if Zac sent me a text like that. It would make me feel excited was what it would do. It would also leave me feeling hopeful and wanting more.
Standing in my kitchen now, trying to fully digest the fact that I really did pull back from seeing a man that fit me in seemingly every way except for him being married, I found myself feeling an emotion that I hadn’t felt in months: grief. I was grieving the loss of something that had already become so wonderful and would have undoubtedly continued to become even more wonderful if I hadn’t brought it to an end. But then I reminded myself that I never really had it to lose to begin with. Or rather, I never really had Zac to lose, because he wasn’t mine to have. He never would be, either, so I decided against sending that sunrise text message to him and got ready for work instead.
I needed to go pull some records from the courthouse, so that was my first stop instead of going straight to the D.A.’s office like I normally did. The moment I walked into the building,my stomach filled with butterflies. Zac was going through the security line. He’d just put what I guessed were his car keys, wallet, phone, plus any legal paperwork that he might’ve had into the plastic tub to be scanned by the police officer. As if he sensed my presence, he jerked his head up and looked straight at me. Then he smiled.
He was walking through the metal detector when I reached the end of the line to wait my turn. As soon as I was scanned and cleared to go to the records division, I grabbed my keys, cellphone, and purse out of the plastic tub and began making my way to the elevators. I glanced around but didn’t see Zac anywhere and felt the butterflies in my stomach turn into knots. I thought he would’ve waited for me to make it through security and at least said hello.
I had just made it to the elevators and pushed the button to call one down to the first floor when I sensed someone standing behind me and looked over my shoulder. As soon as I saw those sky-blue eyes of Zac’s, all the butterflies that’d been inside me returned.
“Hey, you,” he said quietly.
“Hey.”
“You doing okay this morning?”
“I’m doing okay. How about you?” I asked, turning to face him directly.
“I’m okay right now but I know I’m gonna have to bust out an energy drink later. I only slept four hours last night.”
“I’m so sorry, Zac. This is all my fault. I should’ve never…”
“Stevie, don’t,” he said, cutting me off. “Nothing here is your fault. I’m the one to blame. I never should have kissed you that first time.”
I glanced around us. Strangely, we were the only two people standing by the elevators despite the courthouse being abuzz. When I met Zac’s gaze again, I told him that yes, he should’vekissed me that first time and all the others too. Then I told him that I had no regrets and that he shouldn’t either.
