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“You weren’t stupid, Ryan. You were just a child.”
I laughed harshly. “Who are you? Or rather, who are you trying to be? Because you’re not the Catherine Crawford I remember. The woman who wore fancy dresses and jewelry, and laughed and drank and didn’t think about the children at home. Who is this woman who now shows concern for a child?”
“I was angry when Colton kicked us out of our home.”
My temper flared. “It was our home.”
She nodded, smoothing down a wrinkle in the sheet. “Your home. And you’re also right that I wanted you all to fail miserably. But when you didn’t, only grew more successful than what your father had achieved, I grew angrier. You ungrateful little brats, I thought. How could you forget about the people who kept you in when you had no one?”
Finally. A hint of the old Catherine. This woman I could battle. “You took advantage of us because we had no one. Or do you forget everything you’ve done? Do I need to remind you?”
“No. No, you don’t. I remember it all so clearly… unfortunately.”
She exhaled a breath loudly and stared up at the ceiling. Pressing down on her lips, she said, “Your uncle and I became bitter people. Eventually, we lost every friend and acquaintance, all of them tired of us living off of them. We had this sense of entitlement that the world owed us when we had done nothing to earn it.”
My heart leaped at her confession. The little boy in me rejoiced. I told him to sit still. Not to get his hopes up. “I’m surprised to hear you say something with so much self-awareness.”
“Unfortunately, facing one’s own mortality has that effect on a person. I’ve had nothing but time to dwell on the past and become more introspective. That and talking to some of the nurses. Some of those women can be quite frank, you know.”
I laughed. I wished I’d been there for a few of those conversations.
“Until someone held up a mirror to my life, I never saw the harm I’d imposed on you boys.”
I shook my head incredulously. “I really don’t get that. How could you not know that ignoring three young boys would be harmful? That stealing from them, punishing them, and alienating them would have negative effects? I don’t buy it.” My voice rose, but I inhaled to calm myself down. She was dying. I didn’t come here for revenge, but for some recognition for what she had done.
“I don’t know. The only way I can explain it was that I was not in my right mind most of the time. I was on some pain medication or high on cocaine most days. I only cared about getting my next fix and how I would look for the next party. That’s all I cared about. I was an addict, Ryan.”
“My head gets that, but my heart can’t accept it.” I ran both hands through my hair, squeezing my fingers at the base of the skull. “How many nights did I sleep in your bed, crying because I thought you wouldn’t wake up the next morning? You would pass out cold. You saw my eyes, my tears and still, you did nothing.”
I dropped my head and rubbed my neck, the memories straining on my shoulders. “You were this vibrant socialite to the world, laughing and dancing at parties, but at home, you were a zombie. It was like you were two different people. And we were left wondering what we’d done to deserve the empty hollow of a person you chose to be around us.”
Turning to look at her, I confessed what I’d always wanted to know. “Was it because we were unlovable? Was it because we were lonely?” She shook her head, but I carried on. “I tried to be fun, to play games, and make bets, but the only game you ever wanted to play would be fetch. Be a good boy and go fetch your auntie her medication, Ryan,” I mimicked her voice with a sneer.
I breathed in and out slowly, feeling the air leave my lungs before I continued. “I thought I was being a man of the family by taking care of you. But I soon realized you were only lying and manipulating me. You never cared about me.”
“That’s not true. I love—”
I raised my hand again and closed my eyes. “Don’t. Don’t say that you loved me. Because you did not. You only loved yourself.”
She reached for my hand. It felt fragile holding mine. “You’re wrong. I not only cared about myself. I did care about you, Ryan. I care about all of you boys.” Her voice broke, along with a piece of my armor. “You are stronger than we were. Look what you’ve all accomplished. Despite everything you’ve been through.”
These were the exact words I’d always wanted to hear, but why didn’t they make me feel better?
I fell into the chair and dropped my head onto her bed. Her weak hand caressed my hair. Her fingers scratched along my scalp and my heart hummed.
“Why couldn’t you love me?” I mumbled into the bedsheets. A sob racked my body and I squeezed my eyes shut to hold in the pain. “Why—”
“Shh…” she said, rubbing my back with soothing circles. “I couldn’t love anyone because I hated myself, Ryan.” Her voice trembled, but she steeled it with her next words. “It had nothing to do with you. You boys were good and pure and we were not. I think a part of myself knew not to get involved in your lives or we’d mess them up.”
She sighed and reached for my hand. “But whether you want to hear it or not, Ryan, I love you. I am so proud of the man you’ve become and I wish I hadn’t missed all those years… I am so sorry, my boy.”
My body shook violently from the sobs that burst through my throat. My hands fisted the sheets until her frail hand loosened around my fingers. I clutched onto her, bringing her hand to my cheek. I held it next to my face and she wiped my tears away. In my mind, her hand was soft and creamy and my cheek was a lot smoother, but my heart knew that despite my age, I wanted her to love me. Not just as a little boy, but for the man that I’d become.
“I love you,” she whispered.
My heart pounded, and my chest hurt with each new breath. “I forgive you,” I whispered. I clasped both hands around hers and dropped my forehead onto our wrists. My hand was damp from my own tears, but she never complained. She didn’t pull her hand away.
Instead, she leaned forward and pressed her lips to the top of my head, and all of my anger and rage that I’d kept inside for years began to seep from my body. I exhaled the grief and inhaled new air.
