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Class is dragging on impossibly,and I can’t help but fidget, tapping my pencil on the desk as the professor drones on and on. I’m usually incredibly attentive because I could never deal with the shame of having bad marks, but something about today has my head in the clouds.
Oh, why even deny it? It’s Dan that is occupying all the space in my head, and it doesn’t look like he’s going anywhere anytime soon.
He’s like a song that has gotten stuck in my head, thoughts of him just repeating over and over again, leaving no room for much else. I just want to rush through the rest of today so I can go to bed. Hopefully, sleep will be a nice restart, and I’ll wake up tomorrow morning feeling more like myself. It hasn’t worked yet, but I guess I have to keep trying.
As much as I try to convince myself that I’m just using Dan for my own devices, the memories of our encounter in the study makes me doubt everything. Both my body and my heart wereenraptured by him at that point, and as humiliating as it was to get caught, I can’t help but wish we had gone further. I want more of him, like an addict. It’s a real problem because getting involved with him when he’s such a powerful tool when it comes to keeping tabs on my brother is a terrible idea.
Yet, if he was here right now, waiting for me outside the classroom door, I’d run to him. Let him shut us in an empty classroom and continue what we started, even. My self-control is almost nonexistent when it comes to him.
Maybe I need to let off some steam with someone else, and then Dan wouldn’t seem so appealing. Is it possible I’m just obsessing because I need romantic, even sexually charged attention, not from Dan specifically?
I look around the classroom, trying to imagine myself with any of the other boys that are closer to my age. There are plenty that are attractive; fit, well-muscled, with bright smiles and expensive haircuts, but the idea of crawling into their laps and pressing my lips to theirs makes me feel nothing. Not disgust, excitement… just nothing.
Well, crap. Looks like Dan is the reason, then. Which leaves me in the same place I started. Grouchy, distracted, and stupidly needy.
Class lets out and I’m packing my bag so quickly that it has to be obvious how badly I want out of there. I quickly ask one of my classmates to send me her notes, making some paltry excuse about not feeling well, and escape.
Bursting out of the building and onto the concourse is a blessed relief. At least now I’m not feeling claustrophobic along with everything else.
“Elise!” someone calls from a small gaggle of girls hovering under a large tree. I look over and it’s Tatianna, along with a few other girls I know in passing, all looking bright and excited to seeme. I can’t say I feel the same, but I put on the happy face I know is expected of me and head over.
Tati hugs me quickly. “It's been too long! How are you?”
“Getting by,” I tell her honestly.
“Let’s take a walk,” she says, and we wave goodbye to the rest of the group as we start off on our circle of the concourse.
“Now that I’ve got you alone,” Tatiana starts, her arm linked with mine. “I have to ask, and don’t worry, I’m not feeling weird about it. How was the engagement party?”
Images of Dan try to float into my mind, but I shut them down just as fast. “It went well. Big. Extravagant. Everyone showed up but my parents.”
She looks appropriately somber at that news. “Oh, how unfortunate. Your parents still don’t approve of his choice of fiancée, huh?”
“I think we both know they don’t.”
“Well, as long as Andries is happy.” Tatiana sounds wistful if a bit sad.
“Do you… uh… want to talk about it, Tati? Are you sad about their engagement?” I know I sound awkward, and honestly, I don’t want to have the conversation, but I know it’s what a good friend would do.
“Not sad exactly,” she clarifies, shrugging one shoulder. “Andries will always be my first crush, and since our parents always thought we’d end up together, that expectation is a little hard to let go of, you know? Who I will marry is a big question mark in my life now, and I don’t even know if it will be someone I like or not. At least Andries and I get along fine… but I can’t deny him his happiness. It’s not like we were in love, or even dating.”
“I can totally relate,” I fess out. “I too had a first crush years ago that I thought would be the love of my life. I guess that’s what most teenagers think of their first crush.”
“Oh, and what happened with him?”
“He was from England and was just here for summer camp. Don’t worry about it, that was a long time ago.” Tati just nods, smiling at me as we keep strolling through the concourse. “I have to admit, Tati, things would be a lot easier in all our lives if Andries had chosen you instead of Roxanne. But as we both know, my brother never makes anything easy.”
Tatiana laughs, but it’s clearly forced. I stop, grabbing her by the arm and pulling her into another hug, this one longer and more sincere. The other girl sighs but accepts the gesture and comfort.
When I pull back, I’m still feeling some guilt over it all, even if I had nothing to do with Andries’s choices in women. How he could not feel anything for this sweet, beautiful girl is a mystery to me.
“Hey, Tati? What if after I finish work, we go and have a few drinks? I know a few places around here that have great happy hours.”
She brightens, her lips twisting into a smile. “Really? That sounds fun.”
I give her hands a final squeeze before letting go. “Great! I’ll send you a message when I’m done, and we can meet up.”
Maybe a few drinks before bed would help me sleep, anyway, and possibly give me that mind reset that I so desperately need.
