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“She was barely tipsy,” Karl retorts immediately. “She knew what she was doing, and she even–”
The man beside Karl puts his hand on his arm and shakes his head, motioning Karl to stop talking. Karl just sighs in return, shoulders heaving with the force of it.
“I want to make this right,” he says as if changing approaches. “But I also can’t have word of something like this getting out. I know it wasn’t an assault, and so did Patricia last night, but these things can balloon out of control so quickly, which is why I want to offer a settlement.” Upon his announcement, the attorney steps forward and hands me a small stack of papers. “Split it however you want with the girl, whatever makes you happy.”
I skim them quickly, not giving it my entire attention, until I see the numbers typed out. “A hundred thousand euros?” The shock in my voice resonates through the four walls, so I clean my throat, recenter myself, and regain my composure. “That’s… acceptable.”
“It’s a reasonable amount for everyone to keep this hush hush.” Karl grins, sounding quite sure of himself. “And you’ll never have to see me darken your doorstep again.”
That amount of money could do incredible things for me and my business. Before I realize it, I’ve picked a pen up, and the attorney is telling me where to sign. It’d be so easy, and if I gavejust a portion to Patricia, she’d no doubt be fine keeping quiet too. But is this the right thing to do?
I look up at Karl, who looks smug with his arms crossed, and I hesitate. This isn’t something that happened to me, it’s something that happened to someone I was supposed to protect. It isn’t my decision to make alone.
I sit the pen down on my desk beside the papers. “I can’t sign this until I’ve talked to Patricia.”
Karl barks out an astounded laugh. “What do you mean? Why bring the girl into this?”
The girl, he says.He doesn’t even use her name.“Because she was the one assaulted, not me, and she deserves to know what’s going on every step of the way. Now,” I look between the two of them. “You may get the hell out of my office.”
It’s barely a thread of control over this whole debacle, but little by little, I swear I’ll make this right.
14
Amsterdam, February 3, 2022
Andries
When class lets out,I have some empty time in my schedule, but I don’t want to go home just yet. The new apartment doesn’t quite feel like it’s mine, and it’s a relief to know tomorrow I’m going back to the home estate for the weekend.
It’s pretty cold outside, but the campus is lively. Small groups and couples are walking here and there, laughing and conversing like everything is right in the world for them. I had been on my way to feel normal again, too, until Roxanne had to fuck things up again like she always does. I haven’t been able to get Patricia’s incident off my mind.
If I’m being honest with myself, I’m also haunted by what I did to Roxanne, whether she deserved it or not. I moved in anger, but the fear and hurt on her face snapped me back into my normal headspace so quickly it could have given me whiplash. It was the first time I had touched her in so long, and that’s how I had to go about it? In that moment, I had stoopedjust as low as all the other horrible people in this town and caused pain to someone I had once loved… and still do.
So that was the constant stream of thoughts processing in my mind. Guilt about Patricia, guilt about Roxanne, rotating over and over in my head until I couldn’t take it anymore. I’m closer to drinking again than I ever wanted to be, which is another reason I’m so looking forward to going back to my family home. With everyone there to hold me accountable, I’m much more likely to keep my promise to myself and stay away from alcohol.
Watching the other students move through their day reminds me of how lonely I am, and it makes me think about the other invisible people hiding in their dorms and apartments, too afraid or tired to come out and join the rest of the world. I may be out here with everyone else, but I certainly am not a part of anything communal.
I need to do something to ease the melancholy inside of me, some sort of good deed to get my head back on straight, so I decide to go see Patricia. Elise told me she’s been cagey and unresponsive to texts quite a lot, and even though no one knows about her assault, she doesn’t want to leave her dorm room.
My sister is full of a fiery rage regarding her friend. The two of them hadn’t been as close as say, she is with Tatiana, but the connection Patricia has with Roxanne and how it connects back to Elise and I is driving her crazy. Elise has moments of blaming me, and blaming herself for this happening to her friend, but at the end of the day I think we both realize that it’s just a tragic coincidence. There’s nothing either of us could have done once the events were set into motion.
I’m sure I’m not someone Patricia is particularly keen on seeing, either, but she needs to know that she has a bigger support system than she could ever know. I hardly know the girl, but if she called me up in the middle of the night needing help, Iwould go. Like I would for any of my sisters and brothers. That’s just what you do to people; you help them in their times of need.
I arrive at Patricia’s dorm and knock. From what I was told she doesn’t have a roommate, so I know she’s probably alone. After a second round of knocking, she opens the door just an inch or so, and when she sees it's me, she tells me to give her just a second to put some real clothes on.
I want to tell her it’s her space and she can dress how she wants, but then I consider that she might not be comfortable being in any sort of state of undress after what had happened to her.
She lets me in, looking understandably confused about why I’m here. Patricia has put on an oversized hoodie with the university name emblazoned on it and a pair of black leggings. She looks cozy, and at the same time, achingly young and sweet. I hate that the world has already made a victim of this girl.
“It’s nice to see you, Andries,” she says shyly as she pulls her blonde hair into a messy bun. “So, um, what do you need?”
“I just wanted to come and check on you,” I reply, shoving my hands in my pockets.
She fiddles with the strings on her sweatshirt, sitting down on her twin size bed. “I’m okay. Still sad sometimes, but okay. I told my student advocate that I had a death in the family, and they gave me some extra time on my assignments.”
I almost sit next to her, thinking about hugging her to me like I would do one of my sisters, but I stop myself and choose her rolling desk chair instead, not wanting to crowd her. “That’s good. I’ve had some emotional events happen myself and it definitely affected my grades, so it’s nice to have some breathing room.”
“Yeah…” she looks away from me and out the window. “You know, you and your sister don’t have to worry so much. It's notlike we hung out very much beforehand. As much as I appreciate your support, I also don’t want you guys to pity me.”
