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Huh. I don’t think he’ll ever reach out to me again, especially if he hears about what I’m planning with Karl, so I don’t even know what I’d say if he did call. Before he left for his family’s estate, I had told him clearly that I wanted a second chance. If he accepted what I do for a living, would I try again?
Yeah, there was no doubt in my mind that I would.
12
Amsterdam, January 31, 2022
Andries
The last twoweeks have passed both faster than I could comprehend and, at the same time, at an excruciatingly slow pace. Commuting to class has been a pain, but I have to reluctantly admit that Mom was right; staying home meant I didn’t drink nearly as much anymore. The added stress of having to drive back to Amsterdam almost daily certainly wasn’t my favorite part of the day, but it did keep me busy enough that I was thinking about Roxanne less. Not much less, but anything was better than her occupying my every waking thought.
Distance also helped with the constant anticipation I had of seeing her. At home, there is never any fear that I’ll leave the house and she’ll be there; flawless, glowing, and utterly disturbing to me in so many ways. I hate her, and I hate that I still love her, but maybe this little bit of forward momentum I have made is a good sign. For the first time in so long I think I might have a chance of coming out of this entire thing without too much damage.
None of that means that I’m not still dreaming of her, to the point I’d wake up both completely erect, heartbroken, and pissed off. It’s an extremely uncomfortable state to be in, as well as a confusing one. But if I can only see Roxanne in my dreams instead of every waking minute, then I guess that’s better than I can have hoped for a few weeks ago.
Another perk of staying at home is that all the drama from the YouTube video has finally begun to die down as well. No longer was I the center of attention while also being oddly ostracized. I never wanted to be popular, or engage with a bunch of people at university, so that part didn’t bother me, but the snorts and laughter when I passed by had gotten old pretty fast. I wanted to punch a lot more people than just the YouTuber at times, but I held both my tongue and my fists. It’d do me no good to be scrapping when I was also in the middle of trying to pull my grades up out of the hole I had allowed them to slip into.
Speaking of school, there is still one little issue: hiding the fact that I’m an English major from my parents while living under their roof. The house might be massive, but after all my issues, my family seems to always want to track me down and get into my business. I can’t hide being an English student forever, but it’s a problem I didn’t need piled on top of all the other ones I’m fighting through. It might be a lie I tell myself to feel better, but I really do plan on coming clean, eventually. One day…
To be honest, I do miss my apartment, and all the things privacy has allowed me. I’m a solitary person so much of the time that being able to have my own space is something I value more than I realized until I was back in my crowded family home. I’m sad to see the apartment being emptied bit by bit, but moving out has already proven that a fresh start is what I need. It seems crazy that a place I lived for such a short amount of time can hold so many important memories, but it truly does. Good and bad…
After all, it’s here that Roxanne and I had first made love, where I had first realized the depth of my feelings for her, and where we had behaved almost like a family until I had discovered the depths of her betrayal. Leaving behind the rooms where she had breathed soft sighs and laughter with me is sometimes so tragic that it makes my chest hurt, but I’m in the final stretch now. I’m almost free of all that tainted love.
This evening is the last one of packing up my apartment, and even though I'd have had more space to be creative and introspective if I did it alone, Dan and Elise had invited themselves in joining me to help. Plus, to top it all, I have to sleep in the apartment since the realtor will be coming so early to check the place and release the deposit. After so many weeks sleeping at home, I was dreading it, oddly enough. So maybe having my friend and my sister around for a large portion of the evening would make it less difficult to swallow.
Having them helping me also means I have to be two steps ahead of Elise at all times. Elise, the up-and-coming detective, is always on high alert, and truthfully, I have an embarrassing amount of poetry and narrative work about my ex. Dan knows my secrets well enough that he can also keep her at bay, but even he can’t hide everything. Luckily, he also has the special talent of pissing her off like nothing else in the universe can, so that can buy me some time if I ever needed it.
Now, as we finish packing the last few boxes and bags, I’m fighting hard against feeling completely miserable. I don’t want to stay here tonight—I know all the memories will come on full force, as well as the dreams that refuse to leave. The only thing I can think to do is stay up all night, but that has its own set of problems. What’s better; being conscious of your own misery or having it haunt your unconscious mind?
It turns out I don’t have as many possessions as I first thought, and most of my boxes are just heavy with books. I’mforever thankful for moving companies and interior designers that will put everything back together for me at my new apartment, but packing just feels so personal. It’s a process of putting my entire life away bit by bit and holding it all in my hands so I can reminisce.
With all the boxes and bags lined up against the wall, there isn’t much left to do. The appliances came with the apartment, so the kitchen is still usable, and if the sounds coming from Dan’s stomach are of any indication, it’s well past dinner time.
“I don’t have much, mostly canned stuff,” I tell the two of them, sweeping my slightly sweaty hair up and off my forehead. “But I can make us something, if you guys want to stay for dinner.”
Elise, knowing how much I love to cook, smiles politely. “That sounds lovely.”
Dan, on the other hand, is not convinced. “Screw that, let’s order in. You know, you’re supposed to pay your friends with pizza and beer for helping you move. At least that’s what some exchange student told me one time.”
Elise wrinkles her nose. “I don’t want beer and pizza. Plus, Andries has stopped drinking for the most part.”
“Alright,” I say, pulling up my delivery app on my phone and tossing it to my sister. “Pick whatever you guys want. It’s on me, apparently.”
My sister looks ready to protest, but Dan rubs his hands together and plucks the phone from her grip. “Don’t mind if I do!”
As expected, the two of them bicker over what we are ordering, but I’m busy taking in the setting sun over the river from the enormous windows. I heave a long sigh, knowing I’ll miss this view terribly, but this is all for a good cause. I need to stay strong, or I’m going to be overcome with regrets.
Elise and Dan decide on Thai food, and I add an order of pineapple fried rice for myself before submitting the order. There are still stools at the breakfast bar, but being the fanciful person she is, Elise insists on us having dinner picnic style in the middle of the floor. She digs a blanket out from one of the boxes and spreads it wide, taking a seat at one corner with her legs crossed.
“This is stupid,” Dan mutters, but he isn’t put off by it as much as he lets on, because he follows suite, leaning back on his palms as he sits.
Since I apparently don’t get an opinion, I join the two of them as soon as the food arrives, and we spread it out between us. It’s immediately clear we had ordered an obscene amount of food, but my guests don’t seem to mind, opening boxes and taking small pieces and servings from each.
After briefly wondering how expensive this order had been, I shrug, and do the same as them, gathering dumplings, wontons, and everything else before we all actually begin to eat. Conversation flows easily, and even though it’s a melancholic evening for me, this part of it isn’t so bad.
“Are you sure you don’t want to just come back to the estate and drive back here in the morning?” Elise asks. “It’s weird leaving you in this empty place.”
I shake my head. “There’s no way I can make it by nine a.m., when the realtor comes. This is just giving me a few extra hours of sleep.”
