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Lili sucks in a breath, closing her eyes. “I know. I know. She’s torn up about it too. I just wanted you to know I’d have told you, had I known how quickly this whole thing was coming off the rails.”
“I don’t blame you, Lili,” I tell her. “There are no hard feelings between us.”
She swallows hard before taking a drink of her wine. “Okay. Okay. Thank you for hearing me out.” She grins weakly. “And… you’re always welcome at the bookshop. It’s not often we get genuine poets around.”
“Maybe after some time has passed, and it doesn’t hurt so much, okay?” I say, and Lili nods.
She hesitates, but after a moment, bids Tatiana and I goodbye, and returns to her table where she is sitting with a group of friends that look extremely relieved that she hassurvived her encounter with me. I watch my ex’s sister settle into her seat and allow myself a second of wistfulness about how much she resembles her sister, before letting it go and turning my attention back to Tatiana.
I can tell she absolutely hated the meetup that just happened, and that she wants to crawl out of her skin, but she shakes it off and resumes showing me some of her favorite things to order.
I play along, knowing that she needs some time to process, and she eventually says, “So. A genuine poet, huh?”
“I was hoping you wouldn’t catch that.”
“That reminds me… how is the English program going?”
I freeze in the middle of pulling my chopsticks apart, gaping at her. “What did you just say?”
“Your English program, Andries?”
I look around us to make sure there is no one else we know before answering her. “It’s fine, but how in the hell did you know about that? It's supposed to be a secret.”
Tatiana pulls apart her own chopsticks, rubbing them together to get rid of any splinters, her lips pulled up at the corners. “I have my ways.”
“Tatiana….”
“Oh, Andries. It’s not hard to figure out. After an entire semester, I have never seen you attending one single business class.”
“But who told you I was attending the English program?” I press on.
“I figured it out by myself.”
I don’t believe her. It was most likely my sister who told her, but I let it go. There’s no point in creating a discussion with someone who has been so kind and helpful after such a chaotic day.
I sigh. “Fine. But please don’t tell anyone, okay? A lot of people are going to be pissed and I want to be the one to break the news.”
She makes a zipping motion over her mouth. “Your secret is safe with me.”
A smidgen of my miserableness evaporates, prompting me to reach across the table and poke her in the arm with one of my chopsticks, “It better be, Flower Girl.”
She mirrors my motion but pats me on the arms in a comforting gesture instead. “I promise. But only if you read me some of your poetry sometime.”
I groan, and Tatiana laughs.
In the restaurant's corner, Lili looks over her shoulder at us, and frowns, but I just pretend I don’t notice.
7
Amsterdam, January 10, 2022
Roxanne
Sitting out on my balcony,wrapped in my warmest robe, I allow myself to feel in full everything that has been weighing me down so much. The wind combs through my hair like fingers, and while the things I’m thinking about are undoubtedly causing me pain, the softness of the breeze and beauty of the sunset make it a little easier to bear.
I’ve been fighting with my feelings about Andries for nearly two weeks now. At first, I was furious at him for talking to me and embarrassing me the way he did. But after that, as the anger cooled, I began to miss him, and in no time at all, I couldn't muster up any more fury to keep me warm at night. Missing Andries, wanting just to hear his voice speaking to me in any sort of tone besides disgust, was consuming me.
So now, as much as I know it’s a fool's errand, I want him to give me a second chance. Giveusanother chance. I had stopped escorting for him, even though he had no idea. It’d been such a big part of my life, and such a large amount of extra income,and Andries just had no idea the significance of my sacrifice. If I could make him understand, then maybe he’d be okay with sacrificing a little for me too.
