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I lock up my place, switching the alarm system on, and then meet him outside. He’s already on his motorbike, gunning the engine. Wordlessly, he passes me a helmet and I put it on and climb on behind him. Not an easy feat in my short skirt, but it’s something I’m getting better at. I’ve spent a bit of time on the back of his bike these past weeks.
Tonight, he takes off faster than usual. I hang on to him tightly, well aware of just how rigid and tense he is. I feel bad that the way I just shut him out is the reason for that, but I can’t do anything about it this second. I rest my cheek against his leather-clad back and breathe in the intoxicating scent of his aftershave. His hips between my thighs remind me that the arousal I felt before hasn’t completely abated.
At the speed Ben is driving, it doesn’t take long to get to Cass’s. It’s obvious there’s a party in progress. If the loud music that can be heard from outside her place doesn’t give it away, the cars parked from one end of the street to the other do.
I really hope she likes the white gold and diamond hoops I bought her. They’re from both Ben and I, but I picked them out and put most of the money towards them. I felt Cass deserved something extra special for her birthday, especially after all the support she’s given me this year, after the break-up with Lucas, and now with Ben.
Ben gets off the bike first, and then helps me down. I’m happy that even though he’s in a shitty mood, he still wraps his arm around my waist as we go inside Cass’s house. The hold is slightly more possessive than I’m used to, but I like it. Far too much.
I spot a few familiar faces as we push through the crowd, people I went to high school with, and people who work with Cass and went to university with her. The place is so packed I’m going to have to elbow my way through. Ben places his hand on the small of my back and gently encourages me to go forward.
I’m certain I’ll find Cass in the kitchen, in charge of pouring shots for everyone who wants them. I head in that direction, keen to give her my gift and see her reaction. As soon as I walk into her large kitchen, however, I regret my decision to seek her out. Sure enough, Cass is there pouring shots, right next to two people I don’t know, plus Seb, Duncan, Amber, and Lucas.
Lucas and Amber both look as though their eyes are going to pop out of their heads as they see me standing there with Ben. I’m not sure if it’s the way I look, or the fact that Ben still has his hand on my back and it looks like we’re together.
“Lainey,” Cass squeals when she sees me, launching herself at me and hugging the ever-loving crap out of me.
“Hey,” I say, hugging her back.
She lets me go and the manners that were drilled into me from an early age force me to acknowledge everyone else standing there. I hug Seb and Duncan, introduce myself to the two people I don’t know, and then turn my attention to Amber and Lucas.
For a moment, I’m frozen in memories. For two and a half years, these two people were such a big part of my life. The three of us were friends, and we had some good times together. But I can look back at that time now and see how fraught with insecurity I was, as well as how I tried to be something I wasn’t. I can’t regret it, however. That part of my life set me off on the path I’m on now—one of finding and accepting myself. And Lucas’s comment about always trying to please him was a catalyst for a lot of the changes I’m making. For that, I’m grateful.
“Hi. Long time, no see,” I finally say, forcing a smile.
Amber walks up first and puts her arms around me. I hug her back and when she lets me go, I meet Lucas’s gaze. It’s not electrifying the way it used to be—the way it is when I look at Ben now, but I’ve missed him. He said he wouldn’t stop trying to be my friend. Did he mean that?
“You look amazing,” he whispers in my ear as he puts his arms around me.
I breathe him in, feeling a sense of nostalgia but not any pain.
As Lucas and I break apart, I see Ben glaring at both of us, his eyes full of black fire. The silence that follows is deafening. And the awkwardness grows as it becomes clear to everyone that Ben has no intention of greeting Amber and Lucas.
To break the silence, I reach into my bag and pull out the beautifully wrapped gift in there—wrapped by the clerk, not me—and hand it to Cass. “From Ben and me.”
Ben doesn’t acknowledge this at all. He doesn’t wish Cass a happy birthday. Instead, he looks at Duncan. “Where’s the booze?”
“I’ll show him,” Seb offers quickly.
Amber’s face is ashen as the two men walk away with no further comment, and Lucas, too, looks pained. I wonder if my face looks anything like theirs. Ben’s reaction is yet another reminder that he isn’t over his ex or what happened. I’d give nearly anything to see him over Amber, to see him willing to give another woman a chance to love him. For him to give me that chance.
“I knew it would be horribly awkward,” Amber whispers.
I understand she didn’t mean to hurt Ben, but knowing just how much she did makes me feel less than charitable towards her right now. She broke up with him so she could be with Lucas. How did she expect him to act towards her?
Amber looks at me. “He didn’t tell me you guys were together.”
Everything inside me comes to a screeching halt. “You saw him?”
She nods, still looking confused. “A few days back. I asked him if he was... seeing anyone and he said he wasn’t.”
I swallow, feeling a new kind of pain explode through the already raw wound of realising I’m falling for him. He didn’t tell me he spoke to Amber. Never mentioned it at all. And he never mentioned me to her, which hurts far worse than it should considering Ben and I aren’t doing more than spending our nights together.
“We aren’t together,” I say. “There’s nothing but friendship between us.”
Especially after tonight, because I’m suddenly sure I can’t keep sleeping with a man and falling further and further in love with him when I know he can’t love me back. I stayed with Lucas for years, holding on to the hope that someday things would be different. I’m not going to do that with Ben. I’m not willing to accept breadcrumbs of affection or be second best. I deserve more. I need better. The sex has to stop.
“They’re absolutely stunning, Lainey.”
