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And here it comes. My heart kicks in my ribcage as an uncomfortable surge of adrenaline shoots through me.
“How is she?” I ask politely.
In the first weeks after Lucas and I broke up, I experienced a wide range of emotions pertaining to Amber; anger, resentment, jealousy, and betrayal.
After the initial anger had passed, however, I realised I missed her almost as much as I missed Lucas. I can’t blame Amber when I’m the one who stayed with Lucas, despite the fact I could see the writing on the wall. Sure, Lucas told me he wasn’t in love with Amber enough times, but I let myself believe him, and the blame falls more on my shoulders than anyone else’s.
When it comes to Amber and Ben’s relationship, however, I feel a lot less forgiving. Ben is broken, in large part because of her. I can put my own grief in perspective, but I’m not as easily able to dismiss her part where Ben is concerned. He was in love with her—still is in love with her. Ben did everything he could to make her happy, and she chose Lucas.
Yes, Lucas was her best friend, but I can’t even understand that anymore. Why didn’t she learn to rely on Ben more as a friend than Lucas? Why didn’t she talk to him and spend time alone with him and give them a real chance? Ben deserved that much. I’m heartbroken for him. He never got his happily ever after and I’m angrier at Amber for that than for anything else.
“She’s... nice,” Cass says softly, warily. “I hadn’t really met her before, when you and Lucas were together. And I know I’m going to seem like the worst friend in the world, but we sort of got to talking and we realised we have a lot in common. And then Duncan suggested I go out with Amber for lunch—”
“And you did,” I finish for her.
I guess I shouldn’t really be surprised that Cass and Amber get along well. They’re both outgoing people who enjoy socialising and partying. Not to mention, Amber always loved television and she was crazy about “Green’s Law”. Still, it’s unsettling and confusing to hear how much Cass likes her.
“I’m the worst friend in the world, aren’t I?” Cass asks.
“She’s Duncan’s little sister, and I’m sure he’s hoping the two of you can get along. He’s pretty close with Amber.”
“He does want me to be friendly with her, and—” Cass stops, clearly pained by what she’s about to say. “She seems nice. I thought I’d hate her, but...”
“You don’t,” I say, smiling weakly. “I had exactly the same problem, so I understand.”
And I do. Things are going well with Cass and Duncan, and Amber is Duncan’s family. It wouldn’t be fair to her relationship with Duncan not to make an effort with Amber.
But I can’t shake the feeling of loneliness wrapping itself around me. Cass has always been my best friend. She’s had my back since she stood up for me against the girls bullying me all the way back in third grade. She’s taken my side unfailingly in every situation, and even though she’s had a lot of other friends, I’ve always felt like her first loyalty was to me. Hearing that Cass and Amber are likely to become friends, however, makes me feel nervous and more than a little threatened.
“You know it’s my birthday in a few weeks,” Cass reminds me. “How would you feel about me inviting Amber?”
And Lucas, I add silently. Though his name is left unsaid, Cass can’t invite one without the other. They’re a couple.
“I know it’s probably going to be awkward after everything that happened, and I won’t invite her if you tell me you’re not okay with it. But there will be lots and lots of people there.” Cass bumps her shoulder playfully with mine. “Some hot single guys included. You’ll be able to get lost in the crowd.”
The thought of a crowd, especially Cass’s type of crowd, is enough to send me running for the hills. Hanging out with Cass’s co-stars is one thing. Hanging out with everyone else Cass knows is anxiety-inducing. I don’t do small talk that easily, and I prefer small gatherings. The idea of being stuck in a corner, talking about the weather or another equally boring, superficial topic while trying to avoid Amber and Lucas is completely unappealing. Moreover, I can’t help worrying about how Ben will cope with having to see Amber again.
“Have you mentioned to Ben that you plan to invite them?”
“Duncan did. Apparently, Ben’s fine with it.”
“He is?”
I was sure Ben would have an issue with it.
“I know,” Cass says. “I was kind of surprised, too. Maybe he’s getting over her.”
Doubtful. “Maybe,” I mutter.
“So...” Cass starts. “What do you think?”
I really want to tell her I hate the idea. I’m not ready to see Amber and Lucas again, even if I do miss them, and I really don’t want to see Ben all torn up because he and Amber aren’t together anymore. But having Amber at her party seems important to Cass. And she’s right. I should be able to blend in, and mingle, and avoid them. Even if that means taking part in some small talk in a corner somewhere.
“I guess if Ben can deal with it, I can, too.”
“Phew,” Cass says.
Her grin is huge. Clearly, she’s relieved she can invite Duncan’s sister to the party. Suddenly, my throat feels too tight, my heart slows, and my hands shake slightly. Lucas chose Amber over me. Ben would choose her over me. Given a choice, would Cass choose her, too?
