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But I'm not staying.
Misery settling in my gut, I pick up the wine list and peruse it before handing it to Claire. “Want to grab a bottle?”
She grins at me. “Are we getting drunk tonight?”
I shrug. “Why not?”
“It seems funny to get drunk the one night you aren't working the bar.”
“I guess you're right. Are you sure you don't want me to ask the boss to hire you? I swear you love Brody's as much as I do.”
“I've definitely enjoyed helping you and the guys out.”
Over the past few months, Claire has either hung out at Brody's with the girls or helped me out behind the bar. Sheknows how to make every kind of cocktail there is now. In fact, last week she even invented a couple of her own.
Her smile falls. “I'll miss it.”
“Well, there's always a need for Aussie bartenders overseas. You could always take those skills and put them to use in another country.”
She just stares at me. “I couldn't just go overseas by myself.”
“Why not? Heaps of people do it. But it's not like you'd have to travel on your own. We could go together.”
My heart is pounding harder than ever as we stare at each other. Did I really just ask Claire to come overseas with me?
“Together? Or together-together?”
“Whatever you wanted.”
She looks down at the table and fiddles with the fork. “I couldn't.”
I'm stunned by just how disappointed I am by her response, but I'm not done trying to convince her. The more I think about it, the more certain I am that it's a great idea.
“Think of how much fun you've had these past couple of months, Claire. You've been doing stuff you said you'd never do – stuff you never thought you could do. You jumped out of a plane. You can do anything you set your mind to - you just have to take the leap.”
She shakes her head. “You know why I've been doing all this stuff. I've been taking a timeout.”
“Maybe it started out that way, but tell me you haven't enjoyed every minute of it.”
“Of course I've enjoyed it. That's been the whole point: to enjoy myself.”
“So what? As soon as I'm gone, you're going to revert back to the version of yourself who is so focused on the end goal that she forgets to have fun along the way?”
“No. I'm going to take what you taught me and apply it to someone who can give me what I want.”
Her words hurt so much, I have to grip the table to cope with the pain piercing my heart and chest. It's like she's just ripped me open and poured salt in the wound.
Her expression is full of sorrow as she looks at me. “You've shown me so much and I'm grateful. But you know how much it means to me to settle down and have a family.”
“You could do that later.”
“With whom? You? If I come travelling with you now, are you going to come home with me in six months' time, or a year, marry me and give me the family I want?”
An image of Claire pregnant with my child floats through my mind, followed by the montage of world sights I've put together over the years. For the first time in my life, I'm not completely convinced marriage and a family are out of the question. But I can never give her the stability she wants, even if we get married. There is so much I want to do and see. Claire would hate it if I decided to put money aside for travelling and working overseas in whichever country took my fancy. Marriage and a family are commitments that deserve dedication and a sacrifice I'm just not ready to make.
Something I might never be ready for in this lifetime.
As much as I like the idea of having Claire in my life forever, or even starting a family, I'm too restless to make it work. Where did restless parents leave Claire? With a hatred of anything that erodes her security. She despises restlessness. She has a vision of a perfect life and her life will be far from perfect with me.
