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He drops to his knees in front of me and grips my legs. His voice is fierce despite the tears streaming down his cheeks. “No. Hit me, hurt me, please, I deserve it. Do anything you want to me, just don’t leave me. We can get past this.” I stare at the beautiful lie kneeling in front of me. There’s nothing he can say, nothing he can do to erase what he’s done. “Tell me how to fix this.”
His head drops onto my lap, and for a moment---the last time, I silently promise myself---I allow weakness to take over, running my fingers through his hair. He shudders, and his grip on me tightens.
“You knew how I felt about cheating and did it anyway. You gave the part of you that was supposed to be only mine to someone else. I keep seeing you touch her—over and over—and it makes me sick. Nothing can fix that,” I whisper. “Please, I beg you, if you feel anything for me, just leave.” I can feel myself breaking, and I don’t want him there to see it.
He gets up shakily, scrubbing the tears from his face. I recognize the look he’s giving me, the one that makes him so successful in business.
“I’ll go. I know I fucked up, and you deserve time and space.” He takes a step closer to me. “But know this. I will never give up on us. I will never stop fighting for you and our family.” He bends down and presses a kiss on my head, inhaling deeply before I can stop him. “We belong together, and we’ll never be over. Not in this life or the next.”
I don’t need time or space.
What I need is for this pain to stop as I watch him leave, the door closing softly behind him.
What I need is strength to pick up the pieces and carry on with my life and to be strong enough for Lizzy.
What I need is no longer his concern, and the thought is nearly enough to bring me to my knees.
I look around the house as I walk to my bedroom. How am I supposed to stay here with all the lies that I thought were happy memories around every corner?
***
I don’t startle when Lillian slides under the covers next to me. After Lucas left, I called and when I heard her voice, the first sob tore out of me. Ten minutes later, she’s getting in bed next to me, throwing her arm around me. We don’t talk, the sounds of a heart coming undone, the only soundtrack in the dark room. If there’s someone that can understand, it’s my sister, and her presence, silently holding me, reassuring me that I’m not alone, is enough, for now. How long does it take to purge the loss of love, the loss of a life? I wonder while my tears flow endlessly. Because this is what I’m doing, I’m trying to purge Lucas from my soul. He’s an imposter who doesn’t belong there anymore. My pillow is wet, the top of my t-shirt is wet, but still, the tears flow.
“Why wasn’t I enough?” I say to the darkness. It’s so damn hard to say those words, to not only voice them but to admit it to myself, but the darkness makes it a bit easier.
Lillian’s arm tightens around me. “Don’t put this on yourself. He was the one that did it, not you. This is all Lucas.” Her voice is fierce, but I don’t know if she’s right. If I was enough surely my husband wouldn’t have felt the need to look elsewhere. I know I’m allowing insecurities to creep up on me, but just for this one night, I’m allowing it.
“Do you think that’s what Mom felt all those years?” I don’t wait for her to answer. “I won’t be like her.” She sighs softly but doesn’t say anything. There’s nothing she can say.
