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“I thought if I held on long enough, he would realize what he had at home was enough, that I was enough. By the time I realized that would never happen, it felt too late, and I was too scared to make a change. So instead, I reconciled myself to a loveless marriage.”
I can see that it took a lot for her to make that admission, and it makes me so mad.
“You are enough. Lill and I are who we are because of you, not him. He was too damn blind and stupid to see it.”
Her smile is small as she reaches out to squeeze my hand.
“I’m sorry to have brought this all up.”
“Alexis, everyone has regrets in their life. When you get to my age, it’s almost impossible not to have them. But one thing I will never ever regret is you and your sister and the life I gave you. If I had the chance to do everything over again, I wouldn’t change a thing.”
***
Driving home, I replay the conversation to myself. I can understand Mom wanting to give us a stable home. I even admire the sacrifices she made for us. But that was all for us. What about her, her life? How different would all of us have been if she’d had the courage to leave when she realized her marriage was beyond saving? Her intention to give us a stable home was noble enough, but then I think of all the resentment that festered inside me when I saw him hurt mom over and over. It got so bad that I didn’t want anything to do with him. Mom had to plead with me to let him walk me down the aisle at my wedding. I ended up doing it, but only because I knew it would hurt and embarrass her if I didn’t, not because I thought he deserved it. All those years, I wanted to confront him, tell him exactly what I thought of him, but I kept quiet, bottled it up for mom’s sake. Then he died, and it was too late. My one regret is that I never had the courage to tell him exactly what I thought of him.
