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She's always wanted a house filled with grandchildren. There's been no sign of Lillian ever wanting to settle down, so that leaves me. Lucas and I always planned to have at least two, but somehow the timing has never been right.
“Everything okay?”
What is it with everyone asking me that today?
“Not really. I would have preferred if you baked vanilla instead of chocolate,” I mumble, looking down at my half-eaten cupcake. I know I sound petulant, but I don’t give a damn.
“You know chocolate is Lizzy’s favorite.”
“I love that you love my daughter so much, but I’m starting to think that you love her more than me.” It might come across as joking, but there’s a bit of seriousness weaved in there. She puts her spoon down and rounds the counter. Fingers under my chin tilt my head up, her warm brown eyes searching mine.
“Where’s this coming from?”
“I don’t know, hard day at work, I guess.” I pull my head back, and she frowns at me for a second before returning to the cake.
“You know I don’t love her more. I just love her differently.”
“I know, Mom. I was joking.” Shame fills me over the brief flare of jealousy I felt toward my daughter, and I rub my hands over my face. Seeing the bond that these two share has always filled me with warmth, and I wouldn’t change it for the world. “So where is she?”
“Upstairs, in my room, watching that Barbie movie with the butterflies.”
“Mom, can I ask you a question?”
“Sure, honey.”
“How come you never divorced Dad?” I’ve always wondered, but I never had the courage to ask. I’m sure she had her reasons, but now something was pushing me to ask. “I mean, you knew about his affairs, so why did you stay?” She sighs, the spoon in her hand stilling. “Never mind, you don’t have to answer that,” I mumble, feeling bad.
“I need coffee for this conversation,” she says with another sigh. Pouring two cups, she brings them over and settles down across from me. “I’m surprised you haven’t asked me before.”
She avoids my eyes, instead staring absently at the spoon while stirring her coffee.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked. And please, don’t feel like you have to answer that.” I feel guilty dredging up so many painful memories for her.
“It’s okay,” she reassures me with a small smile. “I’ve been waiting for you to ask me for a long time.” She takes a deep breath, her eyes unfocused as her memories take over.
“You’re my firstborn, and the moment I held you in my arms for the first time, I realized that I would do anything for you. It was the same when your sister was born. You girls didn’t ask to be here—that was my decision—so it was my responsibility to provide you with the happiest life possible. Having a stable home with both parents present, given that to you.”
“But Dad wasn’t present. He was away more often than not.”
She nods. “I know, but in the beginning he was, and the times that really counted, Christmas, birthdays, he was mostly there. And he was discreet with his affairs, so it never really touched you.”
“Not when we were little, sure, but when we got older, we knew.”
“Yes.” Her face falls, and I reach out to take her hand, “and for that, I’m sorry. I never wanted you girls to know. I failed to protect you like I should have.”
“Don’t you dare apologize. You did nothing wrong,” I say fiercely. “That was all him. So why did you stay with him then?”
She shrugs. “I don’t know. Habit, I guess. Your father might not have been faithful, but I had a good life. He was an excellent provider, and all the love I had, I gave to you two.”
“Did he ever love you?”
“In the beginning, yes. I know children don’t want to hear this about their parents, but in the early days he couldn’t keep his hands off me. We had so much passion and love.” Her smile is wistful, and I swallow, trying to get rid of the tightness in my throat.
“Then why did he cheat?”
“I spent a lot of time thinking about this. At first, I thought it was something I had done, but as the years went by, I realized that wasn’t the case. Your dad was never happy with what he had. He had money, he wanted more. He had me, he wanted more. He could never sit back and just be, enjoy what he’d accomplished. It’s actually quite sad when you think about it.”
“But didn’t you want more for yourself?”
