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To anyone else, Jake’s smile was movie-star caliber, gleaming white and perfect. But to me, it was just one of the many ways he communicated his affection for me. His smile held a thousand words and then some.
Jake’s laugh was a wonderfully contagious sound, making it impossible for anyone around him not to join in.
And Jake’s kisses…well, they were in a class of their own. It was as if he knew that such things were underrated and precious. Each one he’d given me was either passionate, tender, loving or completely filled with adoration—they all held a deep meaning. I vainly wished I could bottle them all up for safe keeping. But, like trying to catch a mermaid’s tear, it was a girl’s dream.
I wanted to go to him, but I knew the inevitable question would come up. Where did we go from here? It was a conversation I wasn’t willing to have. Our time on the circuit was fun and thrilling and best of all, it was limited. That was the reason I chose to be with him; we had an expiration date and in my personal experience, dumping the milk before it turned sour was preferrable.
But as easy as it would be to end things and move on, something that had never happened to me kept bubbling to the surface. A little voice in my head kept sayingbut what if? What if we had that conversation? What if we stayed together and tried?
The notion scared the bejesus out of me.
Before I knew what I was doing, I grabbed my key card and headed out. With no real plan, I ended up at Jake’s door.
All I knew was that he deserved the world.
I just wasn’t sure if I was capable of giving it.
But the difference was, this time, I think I was willing to try.
The door groanedunder its weight as Jake leaned against the frame, an indifferent, but pleasant smile on his face.
“Hey,” he greeted softly. Pulling the door wide, he motioned for me to come inside.
The room felt different, almost empty and sterile, like when you first check in. There were hardly any personal signs of him. No flannels or other button downs hung over the backs of chairs, no water bottles on the counter in the kitchenette, nothing but his suitcase that was barely visible from the dimly lit bedroom. If he hadn’t been physically in the room, it could easily be a nondescript space, void of anything special.
“I uh…” Stammering was something I was fairly adept at, and this time proved to be a shining example. I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts. “You, uh…you’re all packed?” Small talk however, was not my specialty.
Jake leaned against the counter and his hands casually dove into his pockets.
Space. I’d learned his idiosyncrasies. He was being cautious. He was reading my actions like I was a human barometer.
“Just finished,” he responded, referring to my unimportant question about packing.
My nail polish had begun chipping yesterday and I found myself furthering the look, trying to come up with something intelligible to say. I decided to stick with what was true.
“I’m sorry about dinner tonight…I guess I got caught up with E and I didn’t mean to ignore you if that’s how it came across. She just makes me so mad when she’s angry at me, which trust me I know is a little oxymoronic…because she has every right to be mad at me, but then in turn I get mad at her…” I stopped to take a breath and, in that time, Jake had pushed off the counter and stood in front of me. “And then when I got back to my room a little bit ago, I couldn’t help but think about how I ruined our last night together…and then, well,” I stammered expertly, “I ended up here. To apologize.” I felt winded after that one.
“…Ourlastnight together…?” Jake was uncharacteristically skittish with his delivery. I suppose for good reason. I wasn’t dumb enough to know that I had been acting differently around him. I hadn’t meant to, it just sort of happened.
But here was the meat and potatoes of what we should be talking about. What I know Jake needed an answer to; what I probably did too, but in true Lucy fashion, I chickened out.
“On the circuit I mean,” I deflected. His arms had relaxed at his sides, a miniscule change in his demeanor. The shirt he was wearing had a screen print design and I found myself staring at a letter on it.
“Luce…” Jake lifted my chin, forcing me to look at him.
I had to get my shit together. I was walking a thin line with myself here, and one little nuance could send me running. The other direction was just as likely, if not scarier.
“There’s nothing to apologize for, you know. Families can be complicated. Everyone knows that.” Jake gave me a lopsided, albeit understanding smirk.
“Sisters especially…I just…I don’t know. I hate being on her shit list. I don’t really care that she’s mad at me, I mean, I do, but what I mean is that I hate the way she goes about it. I hate how she shuts me out and acts all superior and mighty. I’m still human and humans make mistakes. Which I clearly did.”Rambling, round two.
Jake enclosed my upper arm with his large hand, the heat radiating to my core.
“Have you tried talking to her?” he gently suggested.
I blew out a forced breath. “Of course! But she’s super stubborn and that’s super annoying and I don’t know how long it’ll take her to come around this time, ya know?”
Jake placed his other hand on my opposite side, the motion grounding me. It was the first time I really looked at him. He was patient and a good listener and above all, he was respectful.
