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I bite my bottom lip and pause.
“Livy, talk to me. Don’t shut me out.”
“You are saying all the right things, Parker. It’s everything I want to hear, so please don’t take this the wrong way. It’s just, it was only a few weeks ago you couldn’t commit to more than one night with a woman and now you are talking about a lifetime with me. How can I be sure that you really want this?”
“Because none of those women were you. There’s a reason why I never let myself get close to anyone else. My heart belonged to you. It still does. You wrecked me the day you broke up with me. I couldn’t function for months.”
I flinch knowing I have never given him the truth. The real reason I broke up with him.
“I didn’t want a relationship with any of them because they weren’t you. Funny thing is most of them were brunettes. I don’t even fucking like brunettes. I think I subconsciously sabotaged things with those women before they even began.”
“Great, now I’m left with this image of you and some hot brunette with her hands all over you. I’m going to need to bleach my eyes out.” His laugh makes my heart so full that I feel myself smiling.
“Do you feel better?”
My mind is still spinning at his admission and I need to remind myself to breathe.
“Listen to me, I need you to believe me when I say I am ready for this. It’s important to me that you know that.” He locks his gaze on mine.
“Yes Parker, I do feel better and I do believe you.” I go up on my toes and kiss his mouth, his nose, the tip of his chin and the center of his neck. “But right now, I’m going to a scary place,” I say in mock seriousness. “I am super hungry, and you are about to see my hangry side. I’m warning you it’s not pretty.”
“That’s my cue! Why don’t you go sit outside with a blanket and enjoy the view while I unpack the car? And don’t argue with me. Then, I’ll make you something to eat.”
“Fine, if you insist.”
I sink into a chair on the patio while Parker runs to and from the car, unloading our things. I breathe in the salty scent of the ocean and it immediately eases the tension in my body. My mind replays our conversation in the bedroom. The complexity of our situation keeps making my mind whirl.
He eventually brings me a glass of wine and some cheese and crackers to snack on. We decide to stay in and make dinner. Parker grills us two steaks and I put together a salad and baked potatoes. It feels good to work together in the kitchen, a glimpse of what life could feel like one day in the future.
We eat dinner on the patio, enjoying the cool breeze off the ocean, and make plans for tomorrow. We clean up the kitchen and I let Parker know I’m going to run upstairs to the bedroom and grab my sweater.
By the time I return, Parker has started a wood fire in the living room and cleared the coffee table away, replacing it with a bed of blankets and pillows. He’s opened a second bottle of wine and there are two glasses waiting for us on the hearth. He motions for me to sit down and I lower myself on to a cushion beside him.
“This is so cozy. I feel spoiled.” It’s been a long time since anyone has gone out of their way to care for me and make me a priority. And I have to admit I like it. I never would have imagined a year ago that I would enjoy sharing so much of my life with another person. My quiet and lonely apartment has felt normal to me for such a long time.
“I like spoiling you. It’s my job.” Parker shifts to his knees to stoke the fire. He sits back down and I hand him his glass of wine.
He takes a sip and sets his glass back on the hearth and I can feel a shift in his energy. He clearly has something on his mind, his jaw is clenched, and I can’t help it, I start to panic. My neck feels warm all of a sudden.
“Livy, can I ask you something?”
“Of course.” I fiddle with the hem of my sweater, not sure where he is going with this. From the hitch in his voice, it doesn’t sound good.
“Why did you break up with me? When we were kids. I know what you told me, but what was the real reason?”
Shit. Is this really happening right now? I could lie but I know Parker deserves the truth, and I need to give it to him if we are going to take the next steps in our relationship. I’d known I would have to tell him soon, but I don’t feel prepared to have this conversation right now.
He moves a little closer to me, removing my fingers from my sweater and intertwining them with his. I fix my stare on our hands as I start to explain as best as I can.
“I lied.”
“I know. I just never could figure out why.”
“You were so sweet to me and I loved you. That never changed. Ever.”
“Then what happened, Liv?” he asks. “I want to know.”
My hand is still in his, and I’m sure he can feel my pulse racing. I inhale a deep breath and continue. “My dad had just been charged and sent to prison to serve his sentence. It was all over the news. It was a struggle for me to even function. I heard the whispers in the hallways. I saw the stares. I was humiliated and ashamed and in so much pain.”
