AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Her words are like bile in my mouth because I wish that was enough. I wish that my wanting her here was enough.
“Ever since I started dating Steven, you’ve been distant. I never see you anymore and when I do, we fight.”
She’s not wrong and I know I’m the one to blame for all of it, but I was protecting myself. I didn’t want to listen to her talk about him constantly. I didn’t want to picture her with him when all I wanted was for it to be me.
“I have no family here, Cash. My parents moved across the country when they retired. I have nothing holding me here.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to confess everything, but when I see the tortured look in her eyes, I know I need to keep my mouth shut.
“Is there a reason I should stay?” she asks and I close my eyes, knowing exactly what she’s asking and refusing to be the person that begs her to stay.
It’s fucking tempting, but I will not be the reason she resents me in a year when she wonders what would have happened if she left. I can’t do that to her or myself.
“That’s what I thought,” she mutters, nodding her head sadly before walking toward the front door and picking up her purse.
“What are you doing?” I ask, a sense of panic resting against my chest.
“I think it’s best if I go.”
My heart sinks, every limb on my body weighed down by the magnitude of what just happened. I’m losing her and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
“I’ll text you before I leave with Steven. Maybe we can get together with the rest of the gang before I go?” She smiles sweetly as I nod my head and give her my best smile, even though it’s forced.
I want to believe that she will call. I want to believe that we’ll hang out one more time before she leaves, but in reality, we both know that’s not going to happen. The canyon between us has been growing for weeks and when she opens the door, turning to give me one more sad smile, I know this is the end and I wonder if I just made the worst mistake of my life.
Hannah
FIVE YEARS LATER
This is definitely not how I expected to spend my birthday, hauling luggage down the steps of my house so fast I might as well chuck them out the door. My heart races as I look around the house I’ve spent the last five years trapped in and wonder how I got here. This isn’t how I expected my life to look after I left Harbour Cove. I left to create a new and better life for myself, not this nightmare that I can’t seem to wake up from.
I knew when I left Harbour Cove that I was taking a risk. I also knew that moving to another town hours away with a guy I barely knew was a bad idea, but I did it anyway. I ignored every one of those red flags and convinced myself it was love. I wanted it to be love, but in reality, it was an illusion that housed even darker secrets than I ever could have imagined.
My hands shake as I place my keys in the ignition and my car sputters to life. The reality of what I’m doing crashes over me as I back out of the driveway. I’ve been planning this night for weeks, knowing that Steven would be out of the house and it would be my shot to finally get out. His weekly poker games are the only reprieve I have from the constant fear that seems to settle deep in my bones and even though it’s my birthday, and he promised me months ago that he would plan something special, he refused to miss his game.
Over the years, I’ve learned that the more time Steven is away from the house, the better it is for everyone involved and so I secretly packed three bags that I hid underneath our bed, knowing he would never look there. I started planning my escape, knowing that if I stayed, I’d die here. Steven would make sure of it.
Every punch, twist of my arm, and angry comment spewed my way led to this moment; me sitting in my car, my freedom within reach as I head toward the only person I trust. The only problem is, he might still hate me.
I glance in the rearview mirror, watching the life I once knew fade away with every rotation of my wheels as my reflection reveals my swollen eye, the one Steven gave me last night when I didn’t put the groceries in their proper place. The fading finger marks on my neck remind me of just how close I came to death when I forgot to wash his favorite shirt for work and let’s not forget the countless broken fingers that are now permanently crooked since God forbid, I go to the hospital for treatment and someone finds out just what kind of monster my boyfriend really is.
Five years ago, Steven seemed perfect. He said all the right things, did everything I dreamed about, and more, so I latched on. I told myself the little outbursts were just that, outbursts and that once we moved, once we got away from Harbour Cove, everything would be the way it should. But when we moved into our little house in the middle of nowhere, things got worse. At first, I thought he chose this house for privacy, but in reality, he just didn’t want neighbors to find out what kind of man he really was behind closed doors. I can count on one hand the number of peaceful nights we’ve had in the last few years, every other night was filled with yelling, throwing objects in my direction, and spewing his anger at me as if I was his personal punching bag.
I glance down at my phone, seeing the drive highlighted on my GPS even though I know the route by heart. I don’t know what I’ll find at the end of this drive, but the memories fill my car as I accelerate down the highway. Cash Harris was my best friend, the one boy that never wanted anything from me… except maybe my action movie collection or maybe it was my endless stash of caramel corn. He was the best part of my life… until he wasn’t.
I knew when I started dating Steven that my relationship with Cash would change. I just never expected him to pull away. He stopped texting, stopped coming over as much, and even when he did, it felt strained and awkward. For some reason, Steven created this wall between us that grew brick by brick until it shattered us. The night I told him I was moving almost broke me. I had loved him for years, wanting nothing more than to confess my feelings to him, but always knew it was futile. A guy like Cash would never want a girl like me, the one he saw as one of the guys… his best friend. So, I decided to move on, and that led me to one of the worst mistakes I have ever made.
The night of our fight, all I wanted was for Cash to tell me to stay, and now I realize that wasn’t fair to him or to me. I can’t place all of that on his shoulders when he doesn’t even know why and so I can’t blame him for letting me go. I spent many nights alone, angry and pissed off that he didn’t fight for me, but why would he? I told him there wasn’t anything anchoring me to Harbour Cove when, in reality, he was my anchor. I was just so blinded by my need to move on from my feelings for him that I didn’t realize I was ruining the only good thing in my life.
Over the last year, I’ve thought about telling my parents everything that’s been going on, confessing that the first-ever grown-up decision I made out of college was a total disaster and resulted in me losing a part of myself for years. But the longer I festered over telling them, the more I realized I couldn’t. The burden is mine to carry, and I never want them to feel as if they were to blame in some way. Plus, my father would kill Steven if he knew and I know my mother wouldn’t survive if my father went to jail for murder.
Nothing about any of this is easy. Do I wish I had taken Cash’s words to heart that night and saw the red flags that were so glaringly obvious to him? Of course. But right now, I need to keep driving, hoping to God Steven doesn’t come looking for me.
Cash
My jacket hits the floor as my front door slams shut behind me. I close my eyes and lean back against the wood as I breathe out, trying to stop this sinking feeling from taking over my entire body. This happens every year on this day, and I know nothing will help. I’ve been trying to get this feeling to disappear for the past five years and I’m almost at my breaking point. The only person that can alleviate some of the pressure sitting on my chest hasn’t spoken to me since the day she walked out of this house and never looked back. If I’m honest, every day is hard without her here, but today is her birthday and no matter what I do, no matter how much I drink, I can never seem to get through this day without this pressure in my chest.
I regret every second of that night with Hannah. I’ve replayed the events over and over again in my brain and no matter what way I pin it, I was an asshole. I’ve tried to find her, even called her parents to beg for any information on where she moved to. They were sweet, but pretty much told me that if Hannah wanted me to know where she went, she would have told me. I’ve respected their decision, but the idea of them knowing where she is while stuck in the dark has kept me up many a night over the last few years. All I wanted was to apologize and beg her to come back into my life, even if it was just a text here or there. I wanted to know she was okay; it was killing me that I didn’t.
