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Prologue
Cash
Being in love with Hannah Baker was inevitable, but accidentally putting myself in the friend zone? Not so much. Hannah is the best thing in my life; she’s kind, hilarious, loves action movies and caramel corn, and yet she exists in a world where she is oblivious to the effect she has on me. Her long blonde hair falls in loose natural waves around her face as her bright-blue eyes watch the TV in front of us. As we sit in silence on my couch, I wonder for the millionth time why I can’t just tell her how I feel. But this weight on my chest every time I think of losing her stops me from doing anything to ruin what we have.
“So, I have some news,” Hannah says, turning the volume down on the TV and turning her body to face me.
From the solemnity in her eyes, I know whatever it is, is serious and my heart begins pounding inside my chest.
“I’m moving in with Steven.”
No. No, this can’t be happening right now.
A few months ago, I almost got up the nerve to spill my guts, throw caution to the wind and just let the cards fall where they may, hoping to God she felt the same so I wouldn’t ruin our friendship. But the second she walked into my house, that huge smile on her face and a blush creeping up the sides of her cheeks, I knew. I knew I was too late.
Steven came out of nowhere, or at least that’s what it seemed like to me. Drew and Max told me that they saw it coming from a mile away but because I’m blinded by my love for her that I couldn’t see it. That might be true, but it doesn’t negate the fact that my heart broke the day she told me he asked her out. It shattered when I watched as he took her hand, kissed her lips, and caused that smile I thought was only for me.
“Did you hear me?” Hannah asks, her eyes pleading as her hands play with the holes in her jeans.
That seems like a simple question, one that should be easy for me to answer but in reality, it’s more complicated than that. The anger seeping through every fiber of my being is palpable and so I take a breath, closing my eyes and hoping to God this is all a bad dream.
“Cash?” she whispers, her fingers grazing the back of my hand as I jump back, standing up from the couch and beginning to pace.
“Seriously?” I mutter, my head shaking as I look anywhere but where she’s sitting. “When did this fucking happen?” I silently curse myself for letting the anger show, but I can’t help it. She’s breaking my heart and she doesn’t even know it. “Hannah, you just met the guy like two months ago. This is way too fast.”
Her eyes narrow but I ignore them.
“You barely know this guy… I don’t like this,” I admit, hating every part of the jealousy that’s coursing through my body right now.
“You’ve hated him from the moment I introduced you… why?”
Her question washes over me and I wonder if this is the moment I break. Is this the moment I spill everything to her and hope for the best? But when I connect with her pleading eyes, I sigh, knowing no matter what I say, nothing will change this.
“He just gives me a bad vibe.” I walk across the room, stopping in front of the bay window that sits in my living room overlooking the water.
“How is that even possible? You barely know him and you’ve avoided spending time with him since I told you we were dating. So forgive me if I call bullshit.”
I want to smile as the sass flows out of her, but the reality of the situation causes my body to tense at the thought of her living with that jackass.
“I can’t explain it, Hannah. There’s something about him that makes me want to punch his face in.”
She rolls her eyes, leaning back on the couch and crossing her arms over her chest.
“I just don’t like the idea of you living with him when I can’t be there to protect you.” The last part slips out, and I wonder if she can hear the desperation in my voice.
“I don’t need your protection from someone that loves me, Cash,” she says before biting her lip, an indication she’s about to tell me something she knows I won’t like. “But there is something else I need to tell you.” Her eyes dart between me and the window, that nervous energy spilling off her with such force my whole body begins to shake. “Steven got a new job a few hours away from here and asked me to go with him.”
Everything goes still as the rush of white noise fills my head.
“You said no, right?” I whisper. My hand shoots out to brace against the wall as my eyes flick to hers, only to see the hurt and confusion staring back at me.
“Have you been listening to me at all these past few minutes?” she scoffs, flinging her arms into the air as she stands, taking a few tentative steps toward me. “I told you I’m moving in with him. I already said yes.”
No. No, this can’t be happening. I have slowly come to terms with the fact that Steven beat me to her. I’ve come to terms that I’ll have to see her with him more than I would like, but this? She can’t leave me. She can’t.
“You’re being reckless, Hannah. You’ve only known him for a few months!” My voice rises and the panic I’ve tried to keep bottled up inside begins to break free. My hands shake as my fingers contract into fists, my eyes become glassy as I begin to lose all control because the one good thing in my life is being ripped out from under me.
“So, what!” she yells, her face turning red as her eyes dart to mine. “I don’t have a reason not to go, Cash. What is keeping me in Harbour Cove, huh? You?”
