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When I pulled away, my head was spinning, my heart was pounding, and I wasn’t entirely sure if I could feel my face. I blinked, reeling a little with the hot rush of need that pulsed through me and down the bond with Peter. But it all felt a little out of control, as stuff was happening to me, rather than me doing what I wanted. I stepped clear of their hands, putting my own up for a moment as I caught my breath.
You are safe. You’re in your room. The bed wasn’t made this morning. The carpet feels soft under my feet. My breath is really loud and raspy, and those guys… I scanned them quickly, not allowing my eyes to linger like I wanted them to. They made it really hard to do the mindfulness activity Ophelia had taught me. I just wanted to run my fingers over every solid inch…
Just be in the moment, and play until the point it doesn’t feel good anymore.
“Get on the bed,” I said.
“Are you sure, Flick?” Peter said.
“Maybe we should leave it at this right now,” Aidan said.
"I know what I want right now, and it’s you two, on the bed, now.”
My voice came out sharper than I’d intended, but I needed them to hear me. I was making a choice, exploring things, and they could either go along with it or tell me they weren’t keen, but I couldn’t live my life with them second guessing me all the time.
They glanced at each other and then nodded, climbing onto the bed.
I picked up Peter’s shirt, draping it over a door knob as I did the same, and stripped off my clothes. I didn’t look at them, unable to focus on their reactions right now. I was only naked for moments, before pulling on the shirt, the fabric’s weight welcome on my skin. Then I went to button it up and paused.
They watched every damn move I made, including my momentary pause. I fastened one button and then left it at that, letting the fabric fall freely around me. It shifted as I climbed on the bed and sat back on my heels when I got halfway down. I saw Aidan swallow as he watched my shirt part around me.
“We aren’t going to take things very far right now,” I said, “but talking to Ophelia made me realise—no…remember. I used to enjoy this kind of thing, being with a lover and exploring their bodies. When it wasn’t a chore or something imposed on me, when it wasn’t… When I had a choice. I want to exercise that choice right now. I want…I want to touch you, stroke you until it doesn’t feel good anymore, for me or you.”
Aidan reclined back on the pillows, hands behind his head. He gave me a slow smile and said, “Babe, feel free, whenever and however you want. What about you, Pete?”
He expected the same result, I could see that in the way he looked at the other man, but Peter wasn’t quite so open. He’d pulled a pillow over his legs by the time I’d gotten on the bed, and now we could both
see the tense set of his shoulders.
I felt a pang at that. I knew it had nothing to do with me, as Ophelia had been working hard on me recognising that not everything bad that happened was my fault, but it felt like all that lovely desire I’d felt from him had dried up.
Don’t be a mind reader, I told myself. Check in with him.
I moved closer, taking his hand in mine, and when he didn’t pull away, I closed my eyes and tapped into our bond.
He still wanted me, that came at me like a freight train, but something had him spooked. It couldn’t have been his body. It was a masterwork in big heavy muscle, and yet that pillow… He frowned, but rubbed his thumb across my knuckles.
“Would you be more comfortable watching me touch Aidan?” I asked, proud of myself for keeping my voice even.
“It’s not that…” Peter started to say.
He used my hand to draw me closer, and Aidan rolled over on his side when I crawled towards them. Peter put my hand on his sternum, then slid it down to the pillow. “Let’s keep it above the waist.”
I sat back on my heels, thinking about his suggestion, then nodded.
"What about you, Aidan?” I asked.
“No,” he said with a groan, then grinned. “Yes, goddammit. We said slow.” I reached out and placed my hand on his taut stomach, the cobblestone muscles popping out when I rubbed my palm on them. “Mmm…why does that feel so fucking good?”
“Yeah?” I almost whispered, my voice dwindling away to nothing as I just felt that satin smooth skin, the rigid flesh.
It’s OK, you’re OK, you’re safe, I told myself.
And I was. That’s what they’d shown me, every day we’d been together so far. They didn’t push me or control me or hem me in. What was happening now was a perfect example of this. Peter might’ve been ambivalent about this, while Aidan was far from it, probably wanting some long needed relief, but they lay there like lazy lions, all that coiled strength put to one side to just let me have the freedom to get to know them on a physical level as well as friends.
Aidan jumped when my nail scratched over his nipple, a long hiss coming with it. “Fuck…” he growled. “Grab it. Pinch it tight.”
That earned him a warning rumble from Peter. I shot him a grateful look, glad he was there, making sure I wasn’t pushed, but I didn’t want them to feel like they couldn’t express an opinion around me.
