Page 248 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust
“Okay. I’ll leave you alone for twenty minutes.” She skipped off, her nervousness evaporating as she found something else to entertain herself with.
The letter from Robin’s mother had, as I’d expected, made my evening even worse. Although it was an apology for the way she’d behaved at the funeral, it still brought back the memory of that day. The way her mother had refused to give back Robin’s collar because “it was her daughter, she deserved to keep her jewelry,” even though it wasmy fucking nameetched into the metal, had left a sour taste in my mouth. Suffice to say, we hadn’t stayed in touch.
My mind flashed back to Robin, and Megan, and the way Megan had looked so dejected months after the accident. She’d tried so hard to be strong for me, but nothing had alleviated the intense guilt and despair I’d felt, and I had watched her fall into her own depression and sense of uselessness.
I really had neglected her in not allowing her to serve me. Maybe part of me believed that since Robin was gone, I didn’t need her anymore. Had I neglected her purposefully so she would leave on her own?
No. I had loved her, and I had planned to keep her. I was just too much for her. Too dark for her.
When we had renegotiated, I’d even offered to take home another rescued slave, hoping that could help us bridge the gap. But she’d said no, because she knew it was the wrong thing to do, both to me and whatever victim I brought home. It would hurt too badly to bring another girl into my life like that, especially after I’d had to step back from my other dynamics, and some of them had left...
Fuck. Was there a single person in my life I hadn’t drastically failed?
Even Becca had become disappointed and frustrated with me when I asked her to step in and watch out for Megan.
Anthony had been disappointed in me when I’d taken Becca into my home. Although they were on good terms now, it had still been hurtful to see him disagree with my decision.
Sanaii had been let down when I’d stepped back from our play years ago. My hiring her was more out of guilt than anything.
And of course, there was Gabby, and Layla, and my other playmates, most of which wouldn’t even look at me when we passed each other on the street or ended up at the same bar.
It’s only a matter of time before Alice ends up on that list as well.
A wave of nausea went through me at the idea of Alice despising me. What if I triggered her too badly? What if she ran away one day when she got emotionally overwhelmed? What if she got hurt? What if she never changed her mind about a relationship, and all she wanted for the rest of our lives was what we had? What if she decided I wasn’t the right kind of Dom for her? Hell, I knew she tended to get really quiet during intense scenes. What if...
What if she safewords and I don’t hear her?
Remembering Megan’s statement about how maybe I hadn’t wanted to find her just made it worse. If I had looked, I would have run into her. I could have taken a week off and visited the Underground every night and just waited around, and I would have found her. Or I could have attended my own munches at my own bar and she would have turned up. And if I had found her...
She never would have met Pete.She might not be as traumatized now if I had just stepped up and done the one thing I was good for.
Those visions served a purpose. Hadn’t I learned my lesson the last time not to just blindly sit by and watch my life happen? What the fuck was the point of having visions if I didn’t do anything about them?
And if I hadn’t learned my lesson, did that mean Robin died for nothing?
I’m a fucking monster.
“Sir?”
I looked up from where I was glaring down at my clenched fists. Alice was wearing my favorite chest harness, one of the black mini-skirts I’d bought her and was holding a wine glass with what looked very much like my favorite wine cocktail. Her hair was curled and her makeup was done all dark and thick and fancy.
“What’s this?”
“Your drink,” she smiled, lifting one shoulder like she was flirting.
I took it, instantly suspicious, and tried a sip.
Right on the money.I held the glass and stared down into it and looked back at her. Her cute, flirty expression was evaporating rapidly.
“Reuben are you okay?”
“Of course. I’m fine.”
She took my drink and set it on the coffee table, and climbed into my lap, straddling me like she liked to. I put my hands around her waist and let my eyes wander over her perfect body.
“You’re lying. Did you have a bad day?”
“Yeah. The whole day was shit, actually.”