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Excruciating at first. I remember the loneliest of nights. Almost pressing the call button but stopping at the last minute. Typing out a text only to delete it. When something would happen in my life my first thought would be that I couldn’t wait to tell Clara and then I’d remember that we weren’t friends anymore.
“I had Giulia for part of it.” It’s a lame defense.
“Don’t get me started on Giulia or your change of personality when you were with her.”
“Yeah, I changed, and not for the better.” I sit up and rest my back against the bench.
“Money and fame can do that to a person,” he says. “Listen, Xavier, I understand being scared. Each one of your siblings were scared before they trusted their heart and happiness with another person. It’s not an easy thing and I’m not here to suggest it is. Your mom died when you were eight and it sucks. But besides that, your life has gone pretty much how you’ve wanted, right?”
“Yeah.”
“And you’ve been in control of it. If you bring in someone else, you lose that control. She could decide your way of living is too hard.”
Exactly.
“She could leave you and break your heart.”
I nod.
“She could get murdered by some stalker fan of yours.”
I whip my head in his direction. “Jesus, Dad!”
“I’m kidding about that last one. But you know what else?”
“What?”
“She could love you until you take your last breath on this earth. She could not give one shit about what those petty trolls on social media say about her. She could win the hearts of your loyal fans. The two of you could spend the rest of your days happy—together.”
When I don’t say anything, he continues. “I know when something bad happens to you at a young age, it’s hard to see the good over the bad. I don’t tell many people this, but when I first started dating Marla, I would drive by her place to check up on her. Make sure she was alive and well because I was terrified of losing another woman I fell in love with.”
“Huh,” I say. “I didn’t know that.”
“At some point, I had to just enjoy the time I had with her. There are no guarantees in life, son. You’re not born with a timer that tells you how many days, years, hours, or months you still have on this earth. You’ve had a great career but next year a life-threatening injury could cause you to retire early. So I think the only question you have to ask yourself is whether or not you love Clara. And if you do, then you need to find a way to stop holding yourself back and go after her with everything you’ve got.” He pats my knee and stands. “I’ll meet you at the truck.”
I sit on the bench and read my mom’s name, the years she lived and the titles she bore. Daughter, wife, mother. I’ve feared truly loving someone and giving them all of me for so long. Meanwhile, Clara was always there with her unconditional love and encouragement, always wanting what’s best for me.
Of course, I love her.
Two years ago when those feelings of jealousy arose inside of me, I didn’t know how to face them, didn’t know what to do with them. All of a sudden Clara wasn’t just my best friend, she was this alluring, sexy woman I wanted to have in my bed. I can’t imagine a better life than one with her.
I shake my head and straighten out one of the hearts on top of my mom’s headstone. “Wish me luck, Mom, I’m going to go fight for her.”
As I walk back down the sidewalk to my truck, I swear I feel as if someone is hugging me.
13
“WHAT DID I DO?”
Clara
I arrive home from the library to an empty house.
“Ben!” I call, but no one answers.
His suitcase is by the door, untouched. Maybe he’s sleeping? I close the front door and walk quietly to the family room. The couch is empty. It doesn’t look as though he’s spent any time here this afternoon.
Upstairs looks the same. No sign of Ben.
