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My heart pounded. My head grew light and wobbly, or at least it felt that way. My hand flew to my chest all on its own accord, and I couldn't breathe.
Ollie noticed me. His eyes bulged, and he shoved Heidi away.
She tumbled over backward, landing on her rump.
"Mara," Ollie said, hurrying toward me. "It's not what it looks like."
"What's going on?"
"She was trying to kiss me, but---"
"Looked like you were about to kiss her."
"No." He bracketed my face with his hands. "I was trying to push her away. Heidi's stronger than she looks, and she was really determined. I couldn't push her away too hard or I might accidentally hurt her." He glanced over his shoulder at Heidi and winced. "Looks like I hurt her anyway."
Heidi was sitting on the floor massaging her ass.
I guessed he had needed to be more careful pushing her away, but still, he'd taken who-knew-how-long to even try it. Was I being irrational? I had no idea. Nico had made me feel like a foolish, stupid girl for so long that I didn't know if I could trust my own instincts. They urged me to believe Ollie. I'd known him for such a short time. What if I trusted the wrong man again? Gave my heart and soul to the wrong man again?
The adrenaline from my confrontation with Nico had me wired. I knew that, but I couldn't do a damn thing to stop it.
Ollie gazed into my eyes with such earnestness that it made my chest ache. "I care about you, Mara, a hell of a lot. Please believe me, I don't want Heidi---or anyone else."
Heidi clambered to her feet and hugged herself, her attention on me and Ollie. She bit down on her lip so hard it turned white, veering her gaze away from us. Head bowed, she slumped her shoulders.
I had no energy left to feel bad for her. Why should I empathize with Heidi, anyway? She had repeatedly tried to steal Ollie away from me.
"Mara."
Ollie's voice drew my focus back to him.
I shut my eyes for a second, hauling in a deep breath and exhaling it slowly. When I looked at him again, I shook my head. "I can't do this. You've come to mean so much to me, Ollie, but I shouldn't have rushed into this thing with you. I'm fresh out of a bad marriage, clogged up with all these crazy anxieties and fears, and I had no right to drag you into my mess."
"What are you saying?"
Something I did not want to say but that I'd suddenly realized I needed to say---to do, for myself and for whatever this was between us. "I have to go home. Be alone, and try to figure out what I need and what I want. I haven't really lived my life on my own terms, what with my mom and Nico telling me how to behave and who to love. I get why my mom did it, and I'm not angry with her anymore. Nico's another story."
Ollie bent his head to level our gazes, his nose millimeters from mine. "What about me? Us?"
"I don't know. Honestly, I just don't know." I peeled his hands away from my face, though I loved his touch, because I had to start separating myself from him right now. "I know I love being with you, and I meant it when I said you make me feel free and wild and happier than I've ever been. But I need to live my old life, for real, before I can commit to anything else. I don't expect you to wait for me. I'll understand if you can't."
He stared at me for so long I wondered if he might be considering how to phrase "fuck you, bitch" in a polite way. But no, Ollie Jackson would never say anything like that. Maybe I was saying those words to myself. How could I walk away from an amazing man? Maybe I'd lost my mind, for real, but all I knew was I had to sort out my own life before I could share it with anyone else.
Ollie kissed the tip of my nose and rested his forehead on mine. "You go home and do whatever you need to do. I'll be here, waiting for you, for as long as it takes."
I took his face in my hands and kissed him. "You're a good man, Oliver. The best I've ever known."
Then I walked away.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Ollie
Well, at least Mara hadn't said I was like her gay best friend. This time, I got dumped the old-fashioned way---face to face, with apologies and explanations. I supposed that was better than getting dumped by text message. Yeah, that happened to me too. A brush-off text was bad enough, but a brush-off text full of crying emojis was even worse. I still couldn't keep a girlfriend, no matter how solid and hot the connection was between me and the girl in question.
Mara hadn't exactly broken up with me. Had she? Sitting on a little sofa here in the entertainment room, alone---everyone else had gone to the dining hall for breakfast---I replayed in my mind everything she'd said. I remembered all of it, word for word. She needed time. She needed to live her old life for a while. She didn't expect me to wait for her, but she clearly hoped I would.
How long did it take a woman to sort out her life?
