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Oh my God.She never curses. It’s so rare that I shrink at her words.
“I’ve done nothing illegal,” Nathan insists.
“Ha, now that’s a good fucking joke,” Jake jumps in.
Mom ignores him. She’s settled on Nathan…for now.
“Don’t talk to me about the law. I know Judge Joly personally, and if I want to cause trouble for you, believe me, I will.”
Seeing the tiny thing that is my mom stand up to the White brothers is something I never thought I’d see. She has to look up at both of them to threaten them and it would be ridiculous if her words weren’t so sincere. She addresses both when she talks again.
“You think I don’t see you two thugs grooming my daughter, pulling her to you, changing her, showing her a life of crime. I won’t stand for it. My husband was Stoneview’s sheriff, do you understand? I won’t disrespect his memory like that.”
“Ms. Williams, with all due respect,” Jake intervenes.
“Don’t. Don’t talk to me. I feel sorry for the Murrays, they had hope for you. I always knew it was pointless. It’s sad, but kids like you don’t change.”
I’m speechless. I knew my mom was a strong woman, but seeing her like this, talking about crime, and mentioning my dad. I feel like I’ve completely let her down.
“Jamie. Car. Now,” she concludes without giving them another minute of her attention.
I hurry after her, doing my best to ignore the two pairs of eyes drilling holes in my back.
The drive back is completely silent and we’re in the living room before she talks to me again.
“How could you do this to me, Jamie?” Her voice is so broken my own stays stuck in my throat.
“Mom,” I let out in a raspy whisper.
“I can’t believe it. You were meant to be the good kid, I trusted you when I left for Tennessee. Do you really think I needed that kind of stress added to our lives? You skip school, your grades have crashed, you date gangsters, and now you punch lacrosse girls! What’s next? Am I going to find your body on the North Shore? Do you have any idea what your dad and I had to go through to make sure you could grow up here and not there?”
“I’m sorry—”
“Sorry won’t cut it, Jamie! You’re putting your scholarship in peril. This is the only thing you should be thinking of, not parties and boys! Gosh, Aaron was a handful, and he was rebellious, but this…If Dad could see you right now…” she shakes her head, lost for words.
I don’t think she understands the impact her words have on me. I felt repentant until now, but her mention of Aaron tips me over the edge and into fury.
“You don’t mention his name for three years and when you do it, it’s only to say he wasn’t a good kid? What the actualfuck. I guess you’re such a saint, you know, stealing from your work and teaching your daughter how to do the same. Boohoo, I’m sorry, me and your dead son are such disappointments!”
“He’s notdead,” she shrieks like she lost all sanity.
I think we both have.
“He is, Mom! He’s dead and buried somewhere amongst all Volkov’s victims because Dad couldn’t pick between this hell of a town and his own family! We’re never going to find his body, so either grieve or forget about him but stop holding on for fuck’s sake! Do you have any idea what it does to me?”
“Don’t tell me how I should deal with my child’s disappearance.”
“Yourchildis my brother! And this whole situation you’re so desperate to get me out of started because I was looking for him! God, how could I have been so stupid? You were so adamant in telling everyone he couldn’t be dead that I believed it. This is allyourfault.”
There’s a stretched, unbearable silence where we both catch our breaths.
“Go to your room, you’re grounded. No phone, no parties, no Emily, no hobbies. Nothing. I want you at school, at home, and at the café. You’re grounded until graduation. Until I move you to UPenn. After that, you can do whatever you want.”
The coldness and apathy in her words break my heart completely. She’s given up on me. Completely. The tears that shine in her eyes don’t even match the ones flooding my cheeks.
My throat is constricted but I manage to make it to my room and slam my door before a deadly sob wracks my whole body.
At this moment, losing Jake or Nathan pales compared to losing my mom’s love.
