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Don’t laugh, not now.
I will never get how Nathan can go from lighthearted and funny to ruthless and violent. Jake has a constant, he’s cruel, he’s sociopathic. I had that feeling about him before I even started talking to him, the cover he puts on only fools superficial, uninterested Stoneview Prep’s kids. It’s like he used to have feelings, but they’ve been crushed by trauma.
Nathan has feelings. He just chooses when he wants to be sweet. He knows when he does something wrong, and he enjoys it so much.
“Just sign it, Nathan.”
He takes a deep breath and huffs again, showing me he really isn’t in the mood for kids’ stuff. But it’s not kids’ stuff, it’s Rose’s future. He looks around, his eyes scanning for some sort of imaginary danger. Well, I guess it isn’t that imaginary to him. His life is probably full of looking-over-his-shoulder moments.
“Get in the car. We can discuss it some other place. I’m sure you can find ways of convincing me to sign.” His voice is calm and collected as usual. He gets in the car himself, not waiting for me.
But does he not realize the kind of effect his words have on me? Or does he know exactly what he’s doing?
I can hate Nathan all I want, I can be fully aware of the kind of things he does. There will always be a place in my heart for him. That spot that was reserved for my first boyfriend, my first love, my first sexual experience. The first person who made me feel safe after one of Volkov’s men shot me.
My body is a mix of repulsion and titillating. My legs rub together under my Sunday dress. It’s the same one I was wearing when we met, and my heart skips a beat. This is strange, there is no other way to describe it.
“Where are we going?” I ask as he drives us around the beautiful Stoneview streets.
I focus on the perfect lawns and huge iron gates that give the rich and famous privacy.
I wonder if Volkov has a house in Stoneview. He must, it’s his territory. Orwashis territory. Nathan took over now.
“My house.”
“What?” I choke. “I can’t go to your house.”
“Why? The twins aren’t there.” He pauses and his eyes flicker to me before going back to the road. His right hand lands on my thigh softly. “Jake isn’t there.”
It takes me a few seconds to swallow the ball of anxiety and anticipation that has formed in my mouth. But I don’t push Nathan’s hand away. Why should I? Why should I accommodate Jake after everything he’s done to me? Nothing in our relationship was ever normal.
We started with bullying and blackmail, we kept going with stupid games. Even the love we shared, I can’t be sure anymore that it wasn’t all fake on his side. He explained it himself, hesaidhe loved me. And as much as I felt loved, did he? Did he love me?
That stubbornness he had of never sharing his secrets, never opening up about his childhood when I shared everything that happened with my dad and my brother. That way of covering every question, every shady thing with a ‘I’ll feed you my cock if you ask too much’. It’s impossible to know if Jake loved me, no matter how much I want it to be true. And what happened at the party on Friday only confirms that.
The ride feels so much like how Nathan and I used to be. His hand on my thigh, ‘Red Right Hand’ from Iggy Pop quietly playing in the background. He always has the passenger window slightly open and the wind in my hair helps me cool my head off.
I hesitate again when he unlocks his front door. I shift on my feet when he walks inside his house and holds the door open for me.
“I’m not forcing you to be here, ‘Me. You wanted to discuss something. Let’s.”
His words sound manipulative, but the comforting smile on his face and the glint in his eyes are reassuring. They’re so like him. I mean, they’re so likehim. The Nathan I know.
He steps into the grand foyer and takes the first door to the left. I follow him into what looks like his office. A lot of paperwork on a contemporary desk with a structure made of steel and chrome finish. There’s a closed laptop and a few packs of empty cigarettes. Empty takeaway containers, beer bottles, and used glasses. It’s messy, unstructured, anything but Nathan.
“Is this where you work?” I ask.
He closes the door and turns to me. “Sometimes. But I’ve been in and out lately. Haven’t been able to stay in Stoneview longer than a day at a time.”
“I noticed,” I admit.
When Nathan is in Stoneview, I know. I know because Rose ends up at my house often, or she disappears with Sam. I also see him on the main street or recognize his car driving around, dropping Rose at school. It’s been sporadic since my birthday and rare since Jake has been back.
“What do you even do for Mateo Bianco?”
“Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to.”
I settle against the desk, crossing my arms. “I just…” Do I really want to say this? “I just want to be convinced that you’re not that bad. That somehow I got it all wrong.”
