Page 59 of Giving Up


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“Are you talking back to me?” I tell her in a dark voice. I pass the joint to Luke and put both hands on the table, palms flat on the mosaic decorating it. “Do you have any idea what I do to bad girls, Kaylee?”

Her eyes widen and she takes a slight step back, clearly shocked. I don’t even know why I said this to her.

Actually, I do know. I miss a good girl that blushes at my crudeness. I miss Jamie.

Luke chuckles next to me and, fucking finally, Chris steps in.

“Jake,” he growls at me. “Can you behave yourself for two seconds?”

I smile at him and then back at Kaylee. “My bad, babe. You start.” I throw her the ping-pong ball and she catches it. She gives me a shy smile, her sassiness all gone.

I think that would have given me a boner a few months ago. A girl, shying away from my roughness. I don’t think I could care less right now. Jamie is the only girl I want to punish with my own brand of violence. Except I don’t follow my heart anymore, I follow Bianco’s orders.

The image of Bianco dragging my twin away while I was passing out on his floor is engraved in my mind forever. It’s been added to my bank of traumatizing moments he has tattooed on my brain.

It should be weird that I’m at a party when less than a week ago, I was in a taxi with Rose, being sent back after being drugged while she was being abused. It should be surreal, out of this world, unbelievable. Not for us. Bianco has abused us through all our young years. Get traumatized and go back out there like nothing happened. From eight to fourteen years old. It’s ingrained in us, inked in our souls, tattooed on us. Literally, tattooed on us.

I know howIwas abused. And I know my sister was beaten up. I never understood how far it went. She said he never sexually assaulted her, but that he was in love with her.Obsessed. That’s the word she always uses when she talks about Bianco. But she never said he spends hours beating her, bruising her. I know now. She told me everything when we got home. I insisted, I was still dizzy from the drugs, I could barely stand up, but I forced it out of her because I saw how he dragged her out of the room.

She showed me her arms and her neck. Not the rest, but I could easily imagine. I didn’t need to see it. I didn’t say anything in front of her, I nodded, I thanked her for opening up to me. I waited for her to go to bed to throw up. Once I got over the momentary loss of control. I texted Nate, I told him what hisbossdid. What our ex foster parent put our sister through. And I concluded my text with something I had always thought but never truly believed I’d put into action until then.

We need to kill him.

He took hours to reply, and only gave me two words.

I know.

But we never see Nate anymore. He’s so busy, never sleeps at home, always ‘working’. Sam keeps us company at the mansion every now and then. Well, he sleeps there and keeps quiet like he always does.

The ball lands in the cup in front of me and Kaylee’s laugh takes me out of my thoughts completely.

I grab the cup in front of me, down it, and grab the joint back from my friends. My whole life is out of fucking control anyway, what’s a little more? Losing myself in drugs and alcohol tonight can only bring me some peace.

“Kaylee’s right,” Chris smiles at me. “You’re not part of Stoneview’s team anymore. Luke, you let the enemy on our grounds.”

I laugh. Chris doesn’t even play lacrosse. I throw the ball back and it lands in the cup in front of Chris. He downs it and wipes his mouth with his forearm. I think my best friend wants to let loose tonight too.

“Jakey was our captain, I can’t not invite him to our pre-season party just because he now plays for N.S. High,” Luke exclaims.

Right on cue, my phone rings, and I take it out of my back pocket as Chris throws the ball back.

“Shit,” I mumble, looking at the message I just received. I lick my lips at the treat Billie sent me and show my screen to Luke as I down another cup in front of me.

“Oh, shit,” my friend agrees.

My new favorite North Shore girl sent me a picture of her in the black and white N.S. High lacrosse kit. Except she seems to have dropped the shirt. And the bra too. Looks like their pre-season party is a lot more fun than ours.

Billie: You should be partying with your own team

I bite my lower lip and put my phone back in my pocket. She sounds pretty convincing when she says this accompanied by her boobs on display.

“Dude,” Luke says. “I really don’t think you should be here.”

We both laugh and Chris’ harsh gaze fall on us, but I can’t focus on it because, behind him, Cole fucking Cooper is making his way to us.

I guess that would be fine if he wasn’t holding my girlfriend’s hand so tightly while he walks.

Not your girlfriend.

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