Page 150 of Giving Up


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But lying on my bed for hours, hoping Aaron would magically appear, hoping I would suddenly forgive Jake for keeping this from me. It’s not taking me anywhere.

So as I get dressed to go to town today, I only have one thing on my mind: Aaron.

I have to go to the shops around town to drop off my resume. It’s one thing that Mom is out of jail and Gerald Baker has dropped the charges but we both got fired.

Biking along the cars on my way to the town center, I check into every single one that overtakes me. Going from shop to shop, I keep hoping there’s a chance for me to bump into Aaron. For him to magically appear. But is he even in Stoneview? Our small town has never felt so big.

Jake was right all along, he was either dead or he didn’t want to be found. And he isn’t dead. Aaron being alive doesn’t mean I’m going to see him anytime soon.

I come out of His&Hers with a heaviness in my heart. Why would I walk into the fanciest shop in town and hope they even look at me when I hand out my resume.

‘You don’t have the look,’they said.

Yeah, I thought so in a shop kept by a handful of model-like-fake-influencer white girls.

You don’t have the look.

Probably a bit too young. A bit too poor looking. A bit too non-Caucasian.

“Whatever,” I mumble as I head out.

Mom has been crying on the phone to Pastor Gilligan all morning. She thinks I don’t know, that I don’t hear her if she locks herself in her room. The pressure of finding a job weighs heavy right now.

My phone ringing drags me out of my dark thoughts.

“Nathan?” I check when I pick up. As if his name on my screen wasn’t proof enough that it was him.

“We should talk,” he tells me. “You know where Silver’s is, right? Meet me there in an hour.”

He doesn’t even give me time to answer. He knows I’ll go anyway.

Nathan is just as guilty of keeping that secret from me and I know that. But I wasn’t expecting anything from him. I know he only cares about what benefits him and him only.

Jake was meant to be the one. He was meant to protect me and keep me safe. He was meant to be honest and truthful.

And he lied.

Not about anything, he lied about Aaron being alive for fuck’s sake. How am I meant to forget that?

But Nathan…I almost expected that from him. So what could he possibly want to talk about now?

I walk across Silver’s parking lot on trembling legs. I don’t know if I can face Nathan after everything that happened yesterday. I can see through the window that he’s sitting at a booth on his own. He looks so tired and pale. His sling-wrapped shoulder still makes my stomach twist with guilt. I didn’t shoot him, but I might as well have. Bringing Jake’s wrath on him wasn’t intentional but going back to Nathan when it didn’t work out with Jake wasn’t a wise decision, especially knowing that Jake will always be my one and only choice.

I discovered the difference between love and simple lust, and Nathan paid for it. Now I face the consequences.

Nate

Jamie is twenty minutes late when she hops out of the taxi that drove her to Silver’s. I can see her from the booth I chose by the window. She’s just as gorgeous as usual.

And fuck if she is gorgeous.

When she comes in, her gaze looks around before it lands on me. She’s got that worried look on her, the one that just makes me want to take her in my arms and kill whoever put that look on her face.

Problem is…it’s me.

I’ve never found it hard to make decisions purely based on whatIwant. It’s easy, I’m always given two choices: The one that will please anyone but me. The one that would please me. Simple math, really.

Then Jamie came into the picture.

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