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“Yeah,” I say as I get off the bed.
I find his t-shirt from yesterday and slip it on. I’m not about to have a serious talk naked. Especially when he’s wearing his signature gray sweatpants. With nothing else of course. Jake hates wearing a top in the morning, he’s always too hot.
The fact that I know this about him makes me sad. We were so happy together. Why did he have to ruin everything?
“Is that the same tattoo as Chris?” I say as I point to his upper arm.
He looks at the bottle of whiskey as if he forgot it was there and then back at me. “Rose shouldn’t be allowed near a tattoo gun when drunk,” he shrugs.
I smile at that. “Must have been a wild night.”
“I don’t want pointless chit-chat, Jamie,” he scolds me, and it makes me roll my eyes.
“What do you want to talk about then? I’m guessing this isn’t a declaration of love.” I say as I cross my arms and pop a hip.
Jake is so used to me bending to his whims. He needs to understand this is not going to be the kind of conversation he’s used to.
I’ve changed this year. And I like the new me, especially if it means I can stand up to him.
“No it’s not.”
“And we’re not getting back together.”
“No. We’re not.”
He slowly gets up, making me too aware of his height. But I don’t let it impress me.
“We can’t keep doing this,” he explains. “We ignore each other until we can’t hold back anymore. We argue and have sex, or the other way around, and go back to staying away for a little while. That’s not how breakups work.”
“Now, how would I know that? It looks exactly like how you did it with your ex.”
He doesn’t appreciate the reminder of how badly he handled his breakup with Camila, but he doesn’t deepen the topic. He defends himself instead.
“Yeah,” he says bitterly. “Apparently that’s what you did with yours too. You know, how you went and fucked Nate and all that.”
“We weren’t together anymore. You shouldn’t have cared.”
“Except I did,” he growls. “And you know that. If not to hurt me, I don’t know why you did it.”
“Maybe it wasn’t to hurt you, Jake. Maybe I don’t do everything to please or hurt you. MaybeIwanted to have a break from the pain for a moment.”
He chuckles and I have to turn away for a second. I’m already getting worked up and I don’t want to be the first to lose my sanity. Even if we know it’s inevitable for both of us.
“Fine,” he snaps before running a hand through his messy hair. “You did it because I was so mean to you, boohoo. But-”
“You weren’tmeanto me,” I cut him off. “Mean is Camila leaving pointless threatening notes in my locker or breaking my bike. But the way you left me? What you did to me? That wasn’t mean, Jake. You completelyobliteratedme. You crushed my heart. You broke it in so many pieces there are some bits of myself I’m still looking for among the splinters and crumbs.”
He stays silent for a few seconds, his eyes flooded with pain and his mouth twisted with regret. I know he’s only realizing now how much he hurt me, but I’m done pretending to him that he didn’t. If he wants to act like a big boy, then he should know the consequences of what he did. And some of those are breaking me.
I keep going. “So where are you going with this conversation? Is it an apology for how you treated me?”
“It’s-”
But I can’t even let him talk anymore. “But wait, if it is. Is it for the bullyingbeforewe were together? Is it for the way you wouldn’t let me in while we were dating? For always keeping me at arm’s length when it came to the real you? Is it for the fuckboy way you broke up with me? Or is it for the post-breakup humiliation you put me through?”
“Don’t!” he barks. “You can hate me for how shitty I was to you at the beginning of the year. Yeah, it was really fucking questionable. And you can hate me for the shit breakup and for Billie. But fuck, Jamie, you can’t hate me for keeping my past to myself.”
“I don’t hate you for keeping it to yourself,” I correct him. My voice is getting angrier by the second. “I blame you for the dangerous way you let it control you. For the toxic traits you just won’t let me help you with.”
