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“Jamie,” he starts but Billie is now standing beside me. I can feel her presence, she’s small physically but has the aura of a six-foot man.
“Did you send her mom to jail, Jake?” she asks, shock weighing heavy in her voice.
“No!” he finally shouts after multiple rounds of not being able to say a word. “Fuck, I would never.”
“Don’t lie,” I shake my head as tears start freefalling. “You’re a really good liar. All you Whites are.”
“Jake, what the fuck!” Billie jumps in. “That’s a fucking snitch move, we don’t take none of that on the North Shore.”
Is she…is she defending me?
“Ididn’tsnitch,” he growls at her. “Do you know the kind of things I’m involved with? Do you really think I would want to get anywhere near a police station?”
He takes a step toward me again, reaching out and trying to grab my hand but I step away.
“You were the only one with that document, Jake. The proof of what we stole, you created it.”
“Created it?” Billie chokes. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“I…It’s a long story,” he says to her. “Jamie, I would never want to separate you from your mom. I would never share it…I-I know I threatened to but that’s all it was: empty threats. I promise you that document isgone.”
“You’re a liar, Jake. You’re full of hate, you hold a grudge on your brother, onlife,so deep that no one can ever fix it. Fuck your way through life, threaten girls, do whatever the fuck you want but stay away from me. And make sure you hold onto that hate because, without it, you’re nothing.”
I don’t wait for him to reply, I turn around and leave the room hoping no one follows me.
I hurry through the now half-empty hallway and desperately try to wipe the tears from my face, but new ones keep coming.
“Jamie!” I hear behind me.
But I don’t turn around for Jake. Not anymore. I keep going, accelerating my pace.
“Jamie, please!”
He’s on me as I go down the stairs to join Chris in his car. His grip on my arm halts me in my steps and I’m forced to turn around.
“I promise you on mylife, on Ozy’s life, that I didn’t send that document to the police. Please, believe me. I will find out what happened, I will talk to Luke’s dad.”
“I don’tcarewhat you do! You ruined my fucking life! You’re dead to me.” I try to snatch my arm away, but he won’t let go.
“Let go,” I growl. “Let me go! That’s all I ever wanted. I just wanted to be left alone, I just wanted to finish school and go to UPenn. I just wanted you to stop harassing me. I just wanted you to let me go. I never asked for this.” I take a shaky breath as his eyes beg me not to leave. “Oh my God just let me go!” I scream from the top of my lungs.
That scream is everything.
It’s everything I’ve ever wanted to say to him. It’s every silent cry, every begging that I did when he was bullying me. It’s all the questions he never answered when I tried to understand him, all the frustrations that built up as I tried to fix him. It’s for all the times he pushed me past my limits, all the times I let him make me feel good, all the times I let him turn pain into pleasure.
It’s a scream that lets out the dying love I have for him. Everything he threw away, a memory of all the times he made me laugh, he made me feel safe. It’s a disappointment so loud it burns my lungs. A fear that if even Jake couldn’t fix me, no one will. If even broken Jake White couldn’t love me, no one will ever love me.
It’s my heart screaming for help. Begging me to let go and leave this all behind. It’s my brain remembering how much that broken heart loved Jake. Pure love. A drug more addictive than anything else.
And that scream is loud enough to attract everyone’s attention. It only takes a few seconds for Xi to run toward us. It only takes a moment for Chris to jump out of the car and grab me just before I hit the ground from my knees going weak. I vaguely see Xi pulling Jake away by the shoulder. Telling him something about leaving me alone. But God, the tears are falling so hard, the sobs are wrecking my body in convulsions I can’t control.
As long as your heart beats, mine will beat along with it.
That’s what he had told me.
Tell me, Jake. Has your heart stopped beating yet? Because you completely annihilated mine.
My body is so numb on the way back, I don’t really know where we are going or how long it takes us. Chris tries to ask me a few questions, but I don’t say anything. When I finally notice we’re stopping in front of the Murrays’ gates I shake my head no.
