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PROLOGUE
Godless - Banks
Jamie
How does one describe heartbreak?
An impossible task that could be a mythological punishment from Zeus in order to sentence someone to an infinity of sorrow. An eternal self-destruction.
There is the physical way my chest constricts, stops me from breathing, and barely rises before crashing on itself again. How long until I can take a breath of air without feeling like my lungs are burning with a hellish fire?
There is the way my throat is in a constant fight with itself, leaving me with a trembling voice, with an impossibility to swallow not only food but simple nothingness.
My hands are always cold. That’s something I didn’t know was a symptom of heartbreak. My cold hands, desperate for the touch of the man who broke me.
My stomach can barely hold air, let alone anything concrete. I’ve been cursed to feel cemented anxiety and grief deep inside me.
My heart is where the physical crashes with the realm of emotions. Ifeltmy heart break. I felt it tear apart, somewhere among the tissues of the muscle, something happened in some sort of scientific impossibility. At the same time, my subconscious prepared for an eternity of distress and ‘what if’.
Sometimes, people are taken away from you. Life, death, the unavoidable cycle of what we’re put on earth for, the safety of being unable to change fate. Sometimes, they decide to leave you. That’s when the worst part starts. Intellectual obliteration of the self.
What did I do wrong?
What if I was prettier?
What if I had made more of an effort?
Is it someone else?
Why am I not enough?
Why, Jake? How could you?
You were the light of my life. You were my dawn after an eternal night in the darkness. Before you, I was crawling aimlessly through life. I was surviving trauma, I was pretending to be strong. You crashed through my perfectly concocted lie of a life and forced me into genuine happiness.
I fought it. God knows I fought against our fated, toxic love. For you, I gave in, I took a leap of faith like never before. I put my trust in you, I gave you my love, my tears, my whole. I was nothing but an extension of you, I existed through and for you.
You were nothing but my everything.
Just like discovering the acid taste of lemon for the first time, the acrid taste of a first cigarette, the sting of our first fall, I believe the first heartbreak is the one that teaches us how dangerous love can be. It creates and it destroys. And you, you used it to break me. To wreck my heart, to decimate my inner bliss.
You decided I was not worthy of your love. You decided I was notgood enough.
If I wasn’t good enough for you…
Then without you, I am nothing.
I. Am. Nothing.
I gave you everything.
And you? You gave me up.
And so, after our beautiful journey in the light of love, dusk sets down again. I close my eyes and when I open them again…you won’t be there.
CHAPTER 1
Numb to the Feeling – Chase Atlantic
