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His hands intertwine behind my head, tangling in my hair and he lowers his forehead to mine. “And I don’t want to get deep. I just want you. All of you. I want you to let me use you, to give me everything and–”
“And give nothing in return,” I finish for him. Confirming the words I said a minute ago.
“I can’t,” he sighs as if slightly lowering his guard. “I can’t because there’s nothing to give, Jamie. You can peel and peel away at it, you’ll just find the same heartless asshole I am on the surface. I’m pretty sure, actually, that you’ll find something crueler. The best I can do is put my Stoneview Prep cover on. Under that, it only gets worse.”
“You’re a horrible man,” I rasp, my throat tight and vocal cords tangled from pain and regret. What did I do? How could I think he would suddenly become sweet because we had sex?
“I never pretended otherwise.” He straightens up, takes a few steps back, and fishes his car keys out of his gray sweatpants. “I’ll give you some time to think about it, but don’t make me chase you again. I enjoyed the hunt, I want to savor my treat now.”
He doesn’t wait for my answer and turns toward the front door. He’s about to leave, his hand on the handle, his muscular shoulders defined under his black sweatshirt, when I speak again.
“It was a mistake.” My voice trembles, but it’s not with pain this time, it’s determination. He hurt me and I want to hurt him back. Because that’s the only way he’ll understand he hurt me. That’s the only way he functions. Anger and revenge.
He slowly turns around, an eyebrow raised. “You wouldn’t be the first girl who regrets losing her virginity to the wrong guy, Angel.”
My nostrils flare. “I don’t care about having my first time with you. Only guys like you make a big thing out of virginity.
“What is it then?” he huffs, running a hand through his messy hair.
“Breaking Nathan’s trust for you. It was a mistake.”
His ocean eyes darken like a winter night as he strides back to me. I’m too late to move away, too slow. His arms are on either side of me, palms gripping the kitchen bar as he lowers his furious face to mine.
“What did you just say?” His voice is a raspy hiss, fury like fire on his tongue.
“I said-”
“You didn’t break his trust, Jamie. You didn’t leave him for me, he gave you away. He gave you away the moment he started lying to you. He played you all along, don’t you fucking get that? Are you really that stupid to think he cared for you? Nate doesn’t care for people, he uses them. He took the first naïve girl he could use to spy on Rose and me and he utilized you.”
My chest is rising and falling so far, my breasts touch just below his chest, reminding me of how much my body likes Jake being close to it.
“You just had to ruin everything, didn’t you?” he spits at me, disgust contorting his beautiful face. “You just had to remind me that you were Nate’s little bitch before coming to me. You’re right. This was all a big mistake. I don’t want Nate’s sloppy seconds. I don’t want you.”
My heart breaks and I have to use inhuman force to not show it. It would have worked if the look on his face hadn’t been utter betrayal, disgust, regret. The tears I was trying so hard to keep at bay start overflowing and I bring a hand up to try and wipe them, but he seizes my fist.
“Don’t,” he orders. “Nobody cries like you do, Angel. Your pain is the biggest turn-on. I want this image imprinted on my brain when I go around fucking other girls.”
“You’re heartless,” I cry out as I push at his chest, desperately trying to get him away from me.
“At least I’m true to myself.” He lets go of me so suddenly, I almost fall on my ass. “Whatever we had…it’s over. I won’t waste any more time on you, Jamie.”
I watch him leave, tears free-falling down my face. How did everything get so bad?
???
Monday, Jake didn’t show up to school and the rest of the week he completely ignored me.
Now two weeks after the Halloween ball incident, he and Camila are stuck together like glue, even if Emily tells me they’re not back together. I didn’t explain why I don’t want to hang out anymore when she’s with them and she didn’t insist but I can feel us slowly drifting apart. Her relationship with Luke is strong and she admitted to me that she’s falling in love with him. Who am I to get in the way of love?
School has never felt so lonely, but it’s also never felt so calm. My grades are going back up and my focus on everything is sharper. Lacrosse training is hard and rewarding. Life is peaceful, life is…boring.
In some wicked way, I miss Jake’s insistent techniques. I miss his hands on me, his dark voice ordering me around. I’m finding out ignorance really is the best revenge. He hurt me when he admitted he wouldn’t change for me, he would never be a sweet loving boyfriend, and I hurt him by mentioning Nathan. Our love/hate relationship is all over for good. There is nothing left of us.
I don’t know if there’s any way to fix this, I just know I hurt from being invisible to him.
“Miss Williams, is that clear?” Mr. Ashton’s voice drives me out of my daydreaming, and I widen my eyes, lost.
Everyone is looking at me with mocking smiles on their faces.
