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“If it makes you feel any better, I’m worried too,” Alex finally says.
I chuckle while pushing open the back door to the store. “I know. You have an early morning tomorrow. You probably need to get off the phone and catch a cab, right?”
“No, Seth, that’s not what I mean at all.” Alex’s sigh catches me off guard and I worry that I’ve irritated him. “I mean, I’m worried about how things will go after the baby is born.”
My fingers hover over the buttons to lock the door. “Really?”
“Yes, Seth. We’re all worried. Me, Lucas, Hunter, and Rachel.”
“Why?” I ask while stabbing in the code and hearing the loud beep of the door, signaling it’s locked and no bad guy can get in without a siren going off.
“None of us have done this before, Seth,” Alex says. “We’re all first-time parents. Of course we’re going to be nervous. I want you to know you’re not in this alone. It’s okay to be a little scared.”
“But you guys have had somewhat-normal families,” I say while walking toward the bus stop. I hate the whine in my voice.
“Seriously, Seth? You have to be kidding me.” I hear him sigh in frustration. “You have met Lucas’s parents, right?”
I wrinkle my nose. Sure, Lucas’s family is messed up, but I doubt he was used as a human ashtray for a year or two. “Yeah,” I muster stubbornly, deciding to keep my thoughts to myself.
“And just because you’ve had some pretty bad people in your life, doesn’t mean you’re going to be a terrible father.”
“You don’t know that,” I say quietly.
“Nope, you’re right, I don’t know that. But what I do know is that you won’t make the same mistakes those people made with you.”
I find myself nodding despite how much I don’t want to agree with him. “True.”
“And that, already, is going to make you so much better than them.”
I find myself nodding again. Tears prickle my eyes as I recall my mother ignoring the burns on my arm and the bruises on my cheek. She always ignored what her boyfriends did to me and my siblings. It was like she didn’t care. And Grandma, bless her heart, always tried to be there for us, but she was so old. She was nearly blind. How could she raise us kids? She was supposed to be done.
I hated Mom’s boyfriends, but I also hated her. I hated her for not caring, for refusing to believe me, for refusing to see what these people did to me—the people she brought into my life. I am never going to be like that with my child. I’m always going to keep my eyes wide open. I’m going to make sure they have food on their plate, someone to come home to, someone to talk to. And I won’t ever ignore their pain. Ever.
“But you’re right that I have to go Seth,” comes Alex’s voice, drawing me out of my thoughts. “I hope I made you feel a little bit better?”
“You did,” I say softly with a smile.
“I’ll call you tomorrow after the shoot. Let me know how Rachel is doing, will you?”
“Of course,” I say, my attention taken by the bus pulling up close to me.
Even thousands of miles away from me, Alex always knows exactly what to say to make my day. I don’t know what I ever did without him. I hope I never have to know again.
When I get home, I see the lights are still on. Lucas and Rachel must be busy watching a movie. Yet, when I step inside, everything seems quiet. Too quiet. I throw my bag near the coat rack and stride into the kitchen, finding a note on the refrigerator with Lucas’s name on it.
“Went to poetry reading. Will be back late,” I read aloud with an eye roll.
Lucas knows better than to leave Rachel alone when she’s so close to her due date. He better have taken her with. She shouldn’t be alone right now. Sure, the doctor told us everything is fine and we shouldn’t worry, but something could always happen. And these are our last few days with Rachel without a baby in the house. He should be enjoying it, not gallivanting off to some writer’s party.
In retrospect, I think I’m still pissed with Lucas for writing that book. And I think he knows it. I didn’t go to his book opening, and I didn’t apologize to him for leaving. I probably should, but I don’t want to. He should have discussed the book with me before deciding willy-nilly he was going to write it. And, sure, I was an asshole to everyone when I left, but Lucas was an asshole to me first. It sounds childish, but I don’t care.
Fuck. Our child is going to totally hold grudges, just like me. The little nugget is doomed.
My attention snaps to the ceiling when I hear a loud thump. “Rachel?” I call.
Nothing.
I run out of the kitchen. It has to be her. Unless there’s a window open and a raccoon got into the house, but that’s doubtful. Possible, but doubtful.
“Rachel!” I shout, taking two steps at a time.
There’s a groan and I run faster, my heart slamming in my chest. I can barely hear anything, only my breathing. Fuck. Lucas shouldn’t have left her alone. Something is definitely wrong, and I will throttle him if anything happens to Rachel.
