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“Yes, did you know that chickens can move for a time even with their heads cut off?” I shuddered and took out my case of utensils. “You never know if it would jump up and attack us all right here.”
I even added a suspicious glare at the bird as a nice touch.
“So, what do you eat?” Elizabeth asked, her voice losing confidence.
“Vegetables,” I answered swiftly. “As long as they’re not fertilized with excrement.”
Nathalie’s mom shut her mouth so quickly and shot her husband a strange look. It would seem like my plan was working.
“So, you’re dating my daughter,” Greg boomed, looking sternly at me.
I stared back at him without blinking and answered, “You could say that, yes.”
“You mean you’re not sure?”
“After a fashion,” I said stiffly. “Nathalie needs to be a little more…rigorous in maintaining the cleanliness of her living quarters.”
Elizabeth laughed nervously. “That is a bit true.”
“I meant that her bed is a haven for microorganisms,” I clarified. “But we’ve been talking about it and she’s promised to clean up more.”
“What about you, Oliver?” Greg turned the conversation back to me. “Have you ever been in a serious relationship before my daughter?”
“Dad!” Nathalie shot him a warning glance.
“What? You need to know about these things, sweetie.” Greg turned back to me with a raised eyebrow meant to intimidate me.
Of course, I didn’t back down.
“Nathalie already knows about Georgia,” I told him. “A nice lady in her seventies and wheelchair-bound. We became very close over time and it was pretty serious.”
I calmly served myself some greens and continued, “Georgia was very forward and I’m just a man.” I shrugged. “And anyway, I was more comfortable doing it in my clinic because the examination table is very, very clean. I make sure of it.”
A tense silence descended over the table as Elizabeth and Greg stared at me, aghast. They were wearing twin expressions of horror and disgust while I sat there, eating the good food off their table.
“These are a little bland, by the way,” I pointed out to Elizabeth.
That seemed to snap them both out of their stupor.
“Nathalie, we need to have a discussionnow.” Greg looked reasonably horrified. “You stay here, Oliver. I need to talk to my daughter first.”
Nathalie glanced at me and I just nodded briefly at her. “Don’t worry. I’ll survive on these terrible greens,” I assured her.
Once they were out of the room, I smiled to myself, my shoulders shaking as I tried to suppress my laughter when I thought of their faces. As I sat there, eating the delicious greens, I could hear their voices wafting into the dining room from the living room. From what I was hearing, they were having a pretty heated discussion.
“No, no, NO! Absolutely not, young lady!” Greg roared.
“Didn’t you look at the way he acts, baby?” Elizabeth tearfully joined in. “The man is an absolute lunatic.”
Nathalie, though, was a rather fine actress herself. “I know Oliver has his…idiosyncrasiesbut he’s not that bad. And he makes me want to improve myself!”
“Are you insane?” her father hollered. “He has had intimate relations with an elderly womanin his clinic!”
“Please, baby. You have to think this through. That man isn’t right for you at all.”
I was feeling happier by the moment as I listened to Nathalie’s parents try to convince her that I was definitely not a good choice for a lifetime partner when I heard my phone ring. I frowned and checked it discreetly only to find Elle calling me.
Now, why would my homicidal sister call me in the middle of her honeymoon? Good God, she can’t have possibly murdered her husband within weeks of marrying him!
