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“I, um, I met a man at a bar. His name was Cole Simms. He was smooth and funnier than any person I’d ever met. He was a jazz performer and played at Ralph’s in Queens every Saturday night. I went for weeks to listen to him play. Then, I fell into his bed. Came out pregnant with you. I told Walter everything. He told me that he’d never take me back unless I’d give the baby up at birth. He told me he’d leave me with nothing and ruin my life. I know it sounds insane, but Aaliyah, I had nothing. I was just a poor girl with nothing to my name, and I didn’t expect to get pregnant. All I wanted to do was make Walter feel an ounce of what he made me feel.”
“So, you gave me up to stay with a man who’d been unfaithful to you.”
“It’s so much harder to explain…” she told me, but I knew it was a lie.
“No. It’s not. You gave me up, you left me alone and abandoned, then you adopted a little boy to call your son.”
She lowered her head. “I know how it sounds…”
“It sounds like you’re the devil,” I agreed, feeling short of breath.
I can’t breathe…
“I think it was Walter’s punishment for me. After I had you, and gave you up, he began to speak about how much he actually wanted a child. A boy. He said if he could have that, he’d start therapy with me. So, we adopted Jason…a five-year-old, because Walter didn’t want to deal with diapers and those early years.”
“You chose Jason over me.”
“You need to understand—”
“The-there’s no-nothing to under-st-and,” I breathed out, feeling an ache in my chest.
I took a step backward, and Marie moved in my direction.
“Aaliyah, you should sit. You’re really pale,” she ordered.
“What happ-ened to my fa-father?” I pushed out, feeling faint.
Syncope.
Noun.
Definition: The temporary loss of consciousness caused by a fall in blood pressure.
Also known as the medical term for passing out.
I felt it coming as my vision waved in and out.
“Aaliyah, please,” she urged.
“Tell me.”
She grimaced as more tears kept falling from her eyes. “I went back a few years ago when Walter and I hit a tough patch, to see if Cole still played jazz music. I found out he passed away.”
“How?”
She swallowed hard. “He had a heart attack. He had a genetic family trait that was passed down the line and…” She shook her head toward me and cupped her hand over her mouth. “I’m so sorry, Aaliyah. I’m so sorry. The moment I found out about his condition I went on a mission to find you. I found out where you worked, and I knew after meeting you, I couldn’t go on not having you in my life.”
So many thoughts crashed into my head. So many feelings, so many emotions, so much pain.
Pain.
I was in pain.
I began to fall backward, catching myself as I hit the step of Marie’s porch. I lowered myself down and placed my hand over my chest as I fought for every breath that came to me.
“Marie?”
“Yes?”
