Page 85 of Kingdoms of Shadow and Ash

We both turned to find a man and his boxer stopped nearby.

“Fuck off,” Xavier snarled.

“Calm down,” I said. Then, to the man, “I’m sorry. We’re fine, thank you.”

“You sure?” he asked, looking suspiciously at Xavier. Not exactly like he wanted to fight him or anything. But like he wasn’t above calling the police.

I couldn’t really blame him. Last night, Xavier had looked refined and distinguished in his three-piece suit. Today, in his street clothes, combined with his overall size and obvious anger, he looked more like a criminal than a respected businessman. Downright dangerous.

“I’m sure,” I said. “I’m just fine. Aren’t I?”

We both turned to Xavier, who had folded his arms across his broad chest and continued to stare daggers at the guy while he mouthed “fuck off” again at him.

I sighed. Not helping.

Our interloper looked like he didn’t believe me, but slowly backed away under the force of Xavier’s glare. When he turned back to me, his eyes were ice cold. But he also looked like he was about to crumble. Just like me.

“You broke my heart, Xavi,” I said, unable to keep my voice from cracking. I swiped at the tears leaking out, one by one. “I was in love with you, and I thought you loved me too. I would have done anything for you. I would have married you if you’d asked—yes, even after just a few weeks. But then you just…well, you know what you did.”

I shook my head, wiping again at a few more insistent tears. I sounded insane. Stupid and naive. But of course, that’s what I had been, once. Didn’t he understand how fragile that kind of naivety really was? Hadn’t he ever felt so breakable?

Xavier exhaled forcefully through his teeth. “I—I know. But it’s not the same thing. This is—this is my daughter, Ces. Not some tawdry love affair. She’s more important than a broken heart.”

I couldn’t help but wince at the word “tawdry,” but he didn’t seem to notice.

“You know what I went through as a child, not knowing my dad.” He pressed his hands hard into his temples, then shoved them back through his hair. “How could you think it would ever be okay to let her believe her father abandoned her?”

“Because I’ve been on the other side of that,” I replied. “I was part of a family whose parents kept coming back again and again, but also kept hurting us every single time. How was I supposed to trust you when you hid an engagement and ended things so callously? Over a freaking email! Like I didn’t matter at all.”

For a moment, I was five years old again, standing at my parents’ bedside, trying to wake my mother up as a bad thunderstorm rocked the city. She had been passed out cold after another bender, too far under to even register her daughter’s needs. It had taken my fourteen-year-old brother to get me back into bed. Matthew had sat with me through the storm until I’d finally gone to sleep, supporting me just like he supported his niece now when I wasn’t around.

But I’d still wanted my mother. As any child would. As I always would, time and time again, until finally she left for good.

“You said it yourself,” I said quietly. “You don’t believe in love. But Sofia deserves to be loved. Every child deserves to be loved by their parents. And when they just get scraps, it hurts more, I think, than not having that parent at all.”

I squeezed my hands together, then shoved them deep into the pockets of my parka and stared at the ground. I didn’t really have anything more to say about the matter. I probably wouldn’t know for many years if I had been right or wrong to keep Sofia a secret. But I had done my best to protect her, which was a lot more than my parents had ever done for my siblings or me. And I couldn’t be sorry for that.

Xavier stared out at the water for a long time. At least two Staten Island ferries passed the Statue of Liberty, one in each direction, before he spoke again.

“I want to see her.” He looked back in the direction of the house. “I’d like to meet her. Properly, this time. I think we can both agree you at least owe me that.”

The slight glimmer of hope and vulnerability almost had me.

But I had also noticed that he hadn’t refuted anything I’d said about him. About my reservations, and the reasons behind them.

“I—I can’t do that. Not yet.”

His eyes flickered back at me, twin pools of icy heat, with something dangerous lurking below the surface. “Why not?”

I forced myself to tip my chin up and met his gaze. Stand your ground, Frankie. If not for yourself, for Sofia.

It always had to come down to Sofia.

“I am very careful about who Sofia meets and when,” I said. “Something like this? Introducing her to her father? It’s going to affect her a lot.” I shook my head. “I’m sorry, but I have to think about this. How, when. If.”

The muscles in Xavier’s jaw clenched on that last word. “If.”

Keep going, Frankie. Don’t move.