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His hand is long gone while I still experience aftershocks, small electrical storms, and the blazing fire he has ignited.
Honestly, I’m stiff like wood, and no matter how much I try, I can break the cycle of unwavering tension, insane chemistry, deep needs, and unexplained fear.
I don’t fear him. I fear how he makes me feel.
My reaction to him when he was standing in front of the door back at the hotel was terrifying. Feeling that way was surprising and unexplainable.
I couldn’t tell where that angst had come from.
My attraction to him––despite the things that happened between us––hasn’t faded. If anything, it has increased.
And that makes no sense either.
Even now, I grapple with conflicting feelings, things that cancel each other out.
On the one hand, I wish I could be back at the hotel or home, up north, in my bed, staring at the sky and the snowy street.
But on the other hand… I wish he would touch me again. Not like this morning, but like he did it just now.
A warm, calm touch, meaning nothing while meaning everything. His hand on my bare thigh is more than nothing.
It has spoken of intimacy we have lost and perhaps a little bit of pleasure.
He’s clearly trying to get back in my good graces by making amends. Although this is so far from really making amends.
Making amends would be to talk to me, open up to me, and give me an explanation and an apology.
For now, he’s trying to establish a frame of normality in which to interact with me.
Maybe he’s also initiated a new game. One that is different than the one we’re in. Or perhaps it is the same game, only a different level.
It can also be part of a bigger picture.
All we’ve done these past twenty-four hours was testing, testing, and more testing.
All of us. Not only him and me. It wasn’t intentional, and maybe it started with me being impulsive and making unexpected moves.
What has transpired during this time is more than I expected. Emotions have surfaced, taking me by surprise. And I think it’s taken them by surprise as well.
But emotions are like plants growing in a garden. They spring to life, bloom, and die. Sometimes they’re overgrown too.
We didn’t plan any of this. Of course, we had a frame of reference and rules… Huh… Rules. I want to laugh so badly. It is precisely the rules that have gotten us where we are.
We wanted sex, and now we have sex and boiling emotions. An explosive combination.
I think about Kai, and I wonder where the man he showed me in New York is. That man made me fall for him a little.
A little more, in fact.
Maybe because he made a point out of showing me how many things we had in common.
Will I ever see that man again?
The man who liked to stare at the sky, fascinated by a little bit of darkness, magic, lust, and fantastic sex.
When will I have more of that man’s brain, fascinating thoughts, and a unique view of life? When will he consider me an essential part of his life, someone to do things with? Like car racing, for instance?
“Pull over there,” he says, pointing to a parking lot in front of a building.
