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Violet clucked. “That’s not a good reason. If someone told you the same thing, you’d be furious.”
I had been. When Graham said it, it was enough to push me away. I should’ve—
My mind refused to finishing putting words to the thought. “You know what makes me furious?” Speaking was better than falling into my head. “Doing podcast after podcast, for days on end. Applying for job after job, and not getting a call back, even though I’m the fucking best at what I do. Because why? Because I’ve got a record? Because I’m a girl? Because I’m a girl with a record?”
Now that the words were flowing, I couldn’t stop them. “And Graham and Oz have expectations. Of me. They think I’m going somewhere. They’ve both told me this. They think that because I have this talent, that I’m going to do great things with it.” I gasped at my own confession. “What if I’m not that person?” It hurt to say. I’d never vocalized that fear, even to myself, and it tied a knot in my heart to admit it. Despair bubbled up inside and a sob tried to work its way out. “There’s nothing wrong with me waiting tables. Or working a cash register. Sweeping floors. I don’t have to be great to make a difference.”
“It’s true.” Violet’s voice softened. “But those aren’t the things you want to be doing.”
“I wouldn’t mind.”
She tugged my arms apart and grasped my fingers. “Are you worried about letting the guys down, or are you worried about seeing your expectations for yourself reflected back at you, when you look at Cole and Graham?”
“That doesn’t make any sense.” But it did. If I pushed them away, I could say my success was their dream.
“Doesn’t it? Come here.” Violet led me into the guest bathroom and pointed me at the mirror. “What do you see?”
I didn’t want to look at my reflection. Not figuratively or literally.
“Humor me.” Violet gently forced my gaze up.
Sad green eyes stared back at me. Heavy shadows under pale skin were obvious underneath. I still wore the makeup I’d put on to fill out applications. Was still in the generic blouse and trousers, with my hair pulled back.
“What do you see?” Violet asked.
“I don’t know. Me?”
“Are you sure?”
No. The person in the mirror was like pod person Luna. Made up to blend into the world, rather than explore her way through places most people never noticed. I turned away, stalked back to the bedroom and flopped on the bed.
Violet lingered in the bathroom doorway. “For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve had this drive to learn and to use that knowledge. To dissect the universe, figure out what makes it tick, and tweak until it ticks better. You’ve never been satisfied with the status quo. I know this has been hard on you. The arrest. The probation. The publicity.”
“Are you going somewhere with this?”
“But you pulled through it all. You stayed true to you. Now that you’ve pushed Graham and Cole away, you’ve given yourself a reason to give up. To hate yourself, when you’ve never surrounded before.”
“I don’t—” My voice cracked.
“This is going to get better. The media. The trouble finding work. You will achieve great things, even though you’re stumbling now. Not because someone else expects you to, but because that’s who you are, L.”
I rolled over on my side and pulled the blanket over me. “I’m going to sleep.”
“It’s five in the evening.”
“It’s a nap.”
Violet yanked the covers off me. “Go take a shower. Put on some of your clothes. Not whatever you think will impress some small business, but something that you own that makes you smile. And then I’m taking you to Graham’s.”
I was tempted. Everything Violet said hurt. Pissed me off. Made me admit things to myself I didn’t want to. She was also right.
“I’m scared.” Another confession, but this one didn’t hurt as much. “What if things stay hard?”
“They won’t be forever. And they’ll be a lot easier if you stop pushing people out of your life who you love. Who love you.”
