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Twenty-Three
Luna
I spentdays walking up and down streets in different parts of different cities in the valley, applying for any job where there was a help wanted sign. I’d done this before, and it had never panned out, but I had to try again.
I missed Oz and Graham so much the ache overrode my sore feet and tired legs.
Violet had told me when Cole stopped by, and that he and Graham both called. They’d called me, too. The calls stopped when she threatened them. I was grateful I hadn’t had to tell them myself to stop, because I would’ve cracked.
If that happened, if I went back to them, their lives would fall apart again. Their names and mine had vanished quickly from current media once I walked away.
Both men filled my nights in the form of dreams, but that was the case before, too. The longing was more potent than before I’d had a taste, but at least I had reality to flavor the fantasies now.
I wanted to lose track of the days to let time wash around me and make me forget what I’d had. I knew exactly how long it had been since I saw Oz and Graham, though. Thirteen days, twenty hours. If pressed, I could recite the minutes and seconds, too.
I was sitting on the bed, pretending I could focus on the book on my phone, when Violet knocked on the bedroom door.
She joined me without waiting for a reply, sitting next to me, back to the headboard, and knees propped up. “Why are you doing this?” She asked. “You’re miserable.”
“I have to. It’s the only way.” I thought Violet of all people would get it without me having to explain. “You almost left Ramsey because of the public attention.”
“No. I almost left Ramsey because he was asking me to lie about who we were. You know the difference between that and bad press.”
My insides twinged. I wanted comfort, not to be called out. “This isn’t just bad press. It was ruining their lives. Oz’s colleagues, the things they were saying about him. And Graham… he was already struggling to find work, and he loves teaching.” I took that from him, and I didn’t know how to give it back.
“So first of all, since when do you care what other people think, and just as important, they’re adults. They can make their own decisions about what does and doesn’t ruin their lives. They’ve survived this long.”
I searched for words, but the only thing I found was how dare you, and I couldn’t summon the indignation to go with the retort.
“Well?” Violet asked.
You’re supposed to back me up. You’re supposed to be my friend.“If you’re worried about them calling or coming by again, I’ll find somewhere else to go. I can get out of your hair.”
Violet sighed and leaned her head against mine. “You know that’s not what this is about. Why are you really here? Why are you really avoiding them?”
“I already told you.” I pulled away in frustration and stood.
But her question reached inside and grabbed thoughts I’d been successfully shoving aside, and I pushed back on my own insecurities.
“L. I’m worried about you. I love you. I don’t want to see you hurting, especially not yourself.” Violet pushed to her feet as well. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you like this. Even after you were arrested. Even after you were sentenced. Something more is going on. Why did you walk away from Cole and Graham?”
“Because I’m a silly little girl who’s really good at letting my curiosity fuck things up, and they deserve better.” The confession tumbled out on a gasp of despair and I squeezed my eyes shut. I hadn’t meant to say that out loud. I hadn’t even let myself think that full thought.
“You’re an adult ass woman, as much as they’re adult men. You’re not fucking up anyone’s lives, and that’s their decision, not yours. Did you even tell them goodbye?”
I ducked my head and hugged myself. If I stopped answering, would Violet leave me alone? Not that I wanted her gone. I couldn’t lose her, too. What was I doing? The confusion hit me full force.
Violet wrapped me in a tight hug, squeezing before letting go. “You know my commute between the shelter and Loading Java takes me past Graham’s.”
No it didn’t. “Not without doubling your travel time.”
“Cole’s truck has been out there the couple of times I’ve driven past.”
“Your point is?” My chest was threatening to collapse in on itself.
“Why are you hiding from them?”
“I told you why.”
