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“I’d love that too.” It’s the truth, there’s nothing I would like more in this world than to have the guys be part of my future. But it’s also a lie because they think I’m agreeing to it when in reality we only have a few weeks together before I disappear. They all look so happy, so hopeful, that it nearly kills me. Plastering a fake smile on my face, I get to my feet again and announce I’m going for a drink in the kitchen.
I take a moment while I’m in there topping up my glass of coke to breathe and compose myself. When the tears no longer threaten to fall, I feel like I can go back in. But when I spin around with my glass in hand, I almost drop it when I see Rebel standing in the doorway, arms folded and watching me intently.
“Shit Reb, don’t sneak up on people like that!”
“I didn’t sneak. You just didn’t hear me over all those deep breaths you were doing. Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why are you breathing like that?”
“It’s just breathing. Shut up. Get out of my way.” I’m being mean, but I’m scared my walls are going to crackle and crumble. If anyone could bring them down with a single word or touch, it would be Rebel. He’s always been the most dangerous to me.
“No.”
“No?” I’m incredulous. “Why won’t you let me leave?”
“I wanted to get you on your own to speak to you.”
“Well, you’ve succeeded. What is it?”
“Look, Raven, I...”
“You....?” I prompt when he trails off.
“I really care about you.”
“I know? I care about you too Reb.”
“No. I really care about you. Like, I’m prepared to change unis next year so that I can be with you.”
“That’s really sweet Reb, but I can’t ask you to do that when I don’t even know if I’m going to go to uni anymore.”
“You’re not asking, I’m offering.”
“And it’s really sweet of you, but I can’t let you do that. It wouldn’t be right when I have no idea what I want to do anymore. But we can still see each other, whatever happens.” I wish so much that those words were real. It makes me sad having to force the bitter lie from my mouth.
“No, Raven, you don’t get it...” he pauses for a beat and stares at me. His look is anguished and I only just notice how ragged he looks. “I think I’m in love with you.”
“I...What?” My jaw’s slack and I can’t quite believe my ears.
“I think I’m in love with you.”
“No.”
“Yes. I am.” He sounds slightly bemused at my denial.
“You can’t be.”
“I can.”
“You’re not,” I tell him sadly as the weight of his words sink in, and I can see that he’s starting to get pissed off.
“Raven, I’m not messing with you. I’ve felt like this for a while. I think this is it. I think you might be it for me. For good,” he insists while I shake my head and slowly back away from him.
“No Reb. I want - I need - a guy that will raze ruins for me.”
“I can do that. I will.”
