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And now it was too late.
When my phone had charged a little bit, I switched it on, waited for it to boot up, and looked at the date. It was Sunday—only one day after I’d died. I’d woken earlier than in the previous deaths…was that why I felt so exhausted? Why hadn’t anyone been here when I woke up. Did no one know? Were they all out of town searching for X?
But it had only been one day, and I spent longer than that on my own without my men, so they probably didn’t know any different. The first time I died, it was in front of Hades and Apollo, so they took care of me. The second time, Oliver who found me, called Heracles to tell him of my death. And this time, it was only Hades who’d brought me home. Plus, the gods didn’t actually sense my deaths, but they should have picked up on my battle with X, yet none of them came.
Thinking back to the battle on the rooftop, I was caught in X’s darkness, and I’d never felt so isolated from the world. Could his power have lacerated my connection to the gods? They’d always sensed me fighting him in the past. I couldn’t understand their absence.
But Hades had known. And he hadn’t bothered to stay with me. Maybe he hadn’t told anyone else, either. While anger ought to have boiled deep inside me, I felt something else. A sorrow that I’d been right about Hades. Especially after getting my hopes up when he showed me a vulnerable side of himself. A softer side. The only fool then had been me.
His behavior just confirmed what I’d thought for a while now. Hades only looked out for himself. He was selfish and unkind, a son of a bitch who should go back to the Underworld where he’d come from.
Even if he wasn’t the one who set X free, I understood his horrible view of love had caused something like this. But that didn’t give him the right to act the way he did. It didn’t allow him to do whatever he wanted without consequences.
Hades had chosen to let his past to define him. It was such a stupid, human sentiment. It shouldn’t have been something an immortal god would do.
But there it was. Hades was self-centered, and he hadn’t learned.
A sudden wave of exhaustion washed over me, and I lay back down on my bed. The fact I was struggling so much after waking up bothered me. My body should’ve recovered by now, flooding me with energy.
Instead, I lay there, contemplating giving up the fight. Exhausted by battling against everything and everyone.
When I closed my eyes, Catina’s face flashed in front of me. Oh, God. How was I meant to save her? How was I going to enter the Underworld and bring her back when I’d be dead for good if I died again? X might not have been the one to kill me this time, but he’d still achieved what he wanted—I was down to my final breath.
And I was fucking terrified of that. Scared if I went down to rescue Catina, I’d fail again. What if she died? What if I died? I didn’t know how I was going to do this now.
Before I died this time, I’d been so damn confident I would enter the Underworld and find Catina. Now, going at all—even if I had a team of three or even four gods—seemed like the most foolish thing in the world.
I couldn’t go to the Underworld to get Catina. And she was counting on me, waiting for me to rescue her. But so was X.
After dying, I should’ve been even more powerful. If I practiced for a while, I would be. But right now, my magic was unstable and out of control and out of my grasp. I wasn’t going to be able to fight X, no matter where we wound up battling or what the circumstances were. He must have known something like this would happen, that he was buying himself time by forcing my third death on me.
I hated that we’d somehow played right into his hands, given him the upper hand, even.
But whatever his ploy, whatever the reason for my weakness, I couldn’t do it. Going to the Underworld wouldn’t end well. Not even with the other gods.
Fuck!
I couldn’t save Catina. My best friend caught up in this mess because of me.
And after a while, X would tire of entertaining a human and keeping her alive in a place where only dead souls belonged. She was waiting for someone to rescue her and it would never happen. And then, eventually, she’d die. And there was nothing I could do about it.
This was the end of the line for my friend.
I rolled onto my side and closed my eyes, curling my knees up to my stomach, feeling hollow. An empty shell with nothing to offer. Every emotion pushed out from my body. Where I once had hope and light and drive, now only emptiness lay. The urge to cry came and went, hot tears spilling down my cheeks. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, focusing on every muscle group, forcing myself to relax bit by bit. Slowly, sleep crept up on me, and the darkness that clung to me didn’t scare me as much anymore. All I wanted was sleep, to run away from this mess, to escape from the life I’d chosen for myself.
Oh, how I wished I hadn’t chosen to follow in my father’s footsteps. How I wished I’d chosen to be one of the Lowe family members who forfeited their power, gave up who they were completely. I’d always thought they were a waste of space since they turned their backs on their calling to do something so much bigger. But right now, I envied them. They all lived simple lives, with taxes and relationships being their biggest worries.
If I were transported into a new life where I didn’t know any of the gods, and I didn’t have to deal with any of these difficulties, I wasn’t so sure I’d be upset about it. Except, thinking about the men in my life, I changed my mind. I’d lose them, and I couldn’t bear such an existence.
So how was I going to manage this?
I wasn’t.
