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A fair answer, and one that actually made me feel a little better about this. "You think Nari will be pissed?" I asked, my words lacking the strength I'd hoped for.
"No," he promised. "I think she accepts you however you are. It's what we both love about her. Why? Are you worried about that?"
Forgetting the clothes I should've grabbed, I marched toward the bathroom, pulling off my shirt to leave it on the floor. "She should be."
"Why?" Wraythe insisted, trailing after me. "Shit, Ela. How am I supposed to give you proper aftercare if you won't eventalkto me?"
"You want me to talk?" I snapped. "Fine. I just beat the shit out of that woman. I loved every second of it up until I put my dick in her, and then all I could think was that this is wrong. I shouldn't be screwing awoman. It should just be Nari, ok? I don't want to even know what another woman feels like. And now I do! Am I going to start thinking that the heat of her body, the ridges of her muscles, and the angle I'm buried in her is better? Worse? Will I compare them? And how can Nari look at me the same knowing I'm no longer hers?!"
Wraythe stopped me in the bathroom by grabbing my arm and pulling me against his chest in a massive bear hug. "Hit," he breathed. "Scream." His hand caressed the top of my head. "I got you, Ela, and so does she. You know Nari won't care. Youknowit. Butyoudo - socare.Care so much it hurts, and know that's the difference between a session and loving her. You don'teverjust fuck Nari. You aren't with her to get her off."
"Then why am I?" I shot back, the words snide.
"You want to be with Nari so you can feel good about yourself. I mean, that's why I'm with her. I love her, and I want to make her happy. I want to make myself feel like I'm worth that, and you know what? You're worth her. You deserve her, and me, and even Talin. This? It was just a session. It's just a woman, and none of them will compare to the one you love, ok?"
The water was still filling up the tub. The suite outside the door was perfectly silent, proving that we were honestly alone. Wraythe's arms refused to let go of me, but he held me gently, the touch soft enough that he would never hurt me. I tried to pull free, but he wouldn't budge. So I thumped the heel of my fist against his chest. Then I did it again, but this time my strength flowed out with it, leaving me limp in his grasp.
And I gasped, squeezing my eyes shut so nothing could leak out. My best friend just hugged me a little tighter, bending his head so that his cheek pressed against my hair. He made me feel so small, so vulnerable, and yet so protected. This was the feeling Nari kept trying to explain. Weakness wrapped in someone else's strength. A moment of being sheltered, where she could just let it all go. Right now, it was everything I needed and yet more than I could resist.
The first tear broke free.
"I don't want to be like this," I breathed against him.
"I know," he promised. "You think you can just stop? No more hitting, no more tormenting?"
"I could," I insisted.
"Without destroying yourself in the process?" He leaned back to see my face. "I'm your guardian, Ela. I've loved you longer than I loved her. Different kinds of love, sure, but you're still my brother. I know you, and I have always known that you're not a nice man. You can fake it all you want, but that's never going to change."
"I've tried so hard to be what she wants," I mumbled. "You don't understand - I can't lose her."
"No, you can't," he assured me. "Can't, because she won't go anywhere. That's because we found the right woman for us. When she gets home, talk to her about this. Tell her that you didn't want to sleep with another woman because you want that to be for her. She'll laugh in your face and say something about how you're missing out. She'll say you should so she won't feel guilty about screwing the rest of us. Ela, Nari doesn't care where your dick has been. She will never love you less because of it. She knows you're a Priest of the Body."
"Then what do I have to give her?" I asked.
"Your heart."
I shook my head. "The same heart that rejoiced when that woman bled? The one that urged me to push just a little closer to her limits? The heart that pounds so hard and so fast when I realize that all it would take is a little squeeze and I could end them? The power of life may never be in my hands, but death? I own it."
Gently, he turned me toward the tub. "Water's almost full. Take off your pants and get in there. Wipe that woman from your body, and I think you'll feel better."
I caught his arm. "Will you stay?"
"I've already washed your balls once. I promise, Ela, that I'm not going anywhere. Crazy as you may think it, I kinda like this part. The bit where you tear down your walls and let me in. Makes me feel like this friendship thing goes both ways, so yeah. I'll stay as long as you need me."
So I wrenched open my pants and let them fall to the ground, stepping out of them almost absentmindedly. I didn't get the chance to grab a towel, because Wraythe already had one. Then, when I stepped over the edge and into the water, my best friend moved to perch on the side of the tub where I could see him.
It was such an intimate position. Not the kind of thing I'd expect from someone who wasn't a lover, but he made it work. In his own way, Wraythe had managed to find that balance between the closeness of our duties and his lack of attraction for me as a lover. He called it friendship, and it wasn't something my best friend bestowed on many people. Maybe that was why he put so much effort into it?
Yet once I'd relaxed into the hot water, I was feeling less foolish about what I'd just done. Almost like the act of washing gave me a little distance from what had happened. We'd been told about sexual abuse victims who wanted to wash away the contact, but this wasn't the same. This was more like washing away my lack of control.
"Look," Wraythe said, leaning back to get comfortable. "I'm just going to throw this out there so you can think about it. We both know that you're not upset about hurting that lady. Didn't bother you at all. This? The emotional crash? It came when you walked in this door, and that makes me think it's about Nari. Maybe even Talin."
"No," I said, waving him off. "Talin knows I'm a dick."
"So, Nari," he said, sounding like he'd just caught me in something. "Are you honestly that upset to have slept with another woman, or is it more than that?"
I opened my mouth to reply, but all that came out was a sigh. Giving up, I sank a little deeper into the water. "I know she won't hate me for sleeping with someone else, but I do," I tried to explain. "I'm supposed to be perfect for her, and I'm not! None of this is what she'd think of as perfect. Only, what, two days before she gets home, I'm fucking someone else - and I didn't exactly have to. Then I'm going to have to tell her that..."
