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"So, you're saying I should trust him and just go with this?" I asked.
"I'm saying you should help him figure it out." She canted her head. "I mean, how good were you in bed your first time, huh?"
I chuckled. "Yeah, I get what you mean. I was nervous as shit. I guess my problem is that I was scared I'd hurt her, and his is that he wants to hurt someone else. Just seems a little foreign."
"But it doesn't bother you at all that he wants to sleep with men," she pointed out. "You don't, so why isn't that weird?"
I opened my mouth to answer, and then realized I didn't know. Except I kinda did. As my mind whirled, I ran through so many reasons, but it all came down to one very simple thing. "Because we don't choose who we're attracted to, and he's always liked both men and women. It's normal."
"But are you sure he hasn't always been drawn to pain? Sounds to me like maybe he has," she countered.
"That's different. One is love and the other - "
"Is erotic," she finished for me. "It's no different than you watching him with a man. You aren't into men, but I'm sure there's still a little rush. Still some part of you that finds being the voyeur erotic. Watching some guy throw his head back, seeing his dick throbbing, watching the cum spray across his body. It does nothing for you, and yet I have a feeling it does."
"Yeah," I admitted. "But most people think I'm weird because I can see it as a turn-on without being into guys."
"So why does it turn you on?" she asked.
I just dropped my head, finally understanding her point. "Because it's not allowed. It's taboo. Sex is meant to be personal, not something others watch, and crossing that line is erotic because it's not supposed to be acceptable."
"Just like hurting them," she said.
"Yeah. I get it." With a chuckle, I lifted my glass of wine and took one more sip, wincing as I swallowed it. "I think it just makes me nervous that I don't get it. That I'm not sure what he's chasing with this thing."
"Then ask him," she said. "Spend the night over there and the two of you just talk about it. Get it all out there, and I don't care if it's crossing some imaginary line you men have. He's your ward. Yourbest friend,Wraythe. If he can't tell you, then who can he talk to about this? Believe it or not, being a sounding board is part of your job. So is being honest. Let him know that you're nervous about this, and that you aren't sure what he needs from you. I have a feeling Eladehl will not mind telling you how he imagines it going."
"Yeah, and what about Nari?" I asked. "I mean, she's never shown an interest in being dominated like that."
"Women usually don't. It makes us look weak, and too many people already assume we are. And yet, I heard she likes to be tied up, right?"
"It was a phase," I explained.
"Was it?" she tossed back. "Maybe it was for you, but are you so sure that she's not into being restrained a little?"
I just let my eyes close and sighed deeply. "Restrained is not the same as tied."
"Kinda is," Irila pointed out. "Never mind that it heightens the senses, removes the need to concentrate on pleasing someone else while being pleased, and it makes a girl feel fragile and delicate."
"Completely don't get that." I turned the glass on the table, staring at it. "I mean, the last thing I'd want is someone making me feel weak, you know? I can't even begin to understand why that's sexy, but Nari says she likes it when I pick her up or move her around. She says it makes her feel sexy when I manhandle her."
"Because we're women," Irila laughed. "Wraythe, if we're too strong, we're hags. If we're too tough, we're bitches. For our entire lives, we've been taught to equate helpless with desirable, and finding someone we trust enough to let our guard down? It's appealing. It really does make us feel like we finally fit the definition of what society says beautiful should be."
"But I don't want to make Nari feel weak," I insisted.
"No, no, no," Irila groaned. "You aren't making her feel weak. You're amazing enough that she can finally allow herself to let go. To trust that you're strong enough to protect her. When she's with you, she doesn't need to be strong because you can do it for her. You make her feel like she can relax. That's all. Like she has this big strong man to protect her, and what's not to like about that?"
Again, I turned my glass, watching the pale liquid ripple in the center. "I think maybe it's the opposite of that for Ela. Like maybe he feels like pain is the only way for him to take control of the things he normally can't. Or like he can finally stop being so fucking pretty for a minute and let his inner ugly show. I dunno, something like that?"
"I think," she told me, "that you should ask him. Sure, give him the options, because I have a feeling he hasn't ever stopped to think about it before either. I'm also willing to bet that he's spent a lot of time fantasizing about hurting someone. Not killing them, but making them cry because they need him so much, or forcing himself on them because they want it but refuse to admit it. Not that he'd do those things, but that's how fantasies work. They take one aspect and blow them out of proportion until we can finally understand it. Or at least try to."
"Talin said he likes to be hurt," I mumbled, glancing back to make sure we couldn't be overheard.
Irila just lifted a brow. "Ok?"
"I mean, maybe I should try it? See what this thing is they're all into?"
Irila just shook her head. "Not if you aren't curious. Wraythe, that's like you having sex with a man just because your friends are. Their kink doesn't have to be yours. And yours doesn't have to be theirs. Those three love you, and they don't mind that you like different things than they do. But, if you are curious and do want to try, I'm sure they'd experiment. I just can't really see Nari spanking you."
