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“Again, I know logic has nothing to do with my feelings. I can tell myself I did the best I could, made the decisions I made because I thought they’d work out, but when they didn’t . . . That’s on me.” It felt like his fault. It felt like he’d cheated death because other people had died instead of him.
“When your feelings seem too big to handle, that’s when you need to use that logic to remind yourself of the truth. You didn’t do anything wrong. You did everything you could in the moment to save yourself and others. And you need to remind yourself, you were worth saving. You deserve to live. You didn’t take someone’s place when they lost their lives. You are simply livingyourlife. And it is the only one you get, so make it count. Live it for those you’ve lost. Show them their sacrifice mattered to you. Don’t wallow in what-ifs and I should have done x, y, z. You can’t change the past.”
He knew that all too well. “I’m trying to leave the past behind, but the images won’t stop repeating in my head. I lived it once. I don’t want to keep seeing it over and over and over again until all I see is blood and death.”
“I know you want a cure-all that will wipe it away. You tried that with drugs. It didn’t work. Nothing really will.”
Chase appreciated the truth, even if it sucked to hear it.
“Time is the only thing that will fade the memories. Most of all, living in the present, staying focused on your goals and what you want for your future, and doing the work we are doing here. Talking about what happened, how it is affecting you, that will help.”
He didn’t need to be talked into therapy. It helped, so he was willing to do it, even if some sessions were easier than others. Opening up, recounting the things he’d seen and done, it wasn’t easy. But it did eventually help.
“Let’s talk about recent events. It can’t have been easy to go through rehab, really put in the time and effort to get through it and come out the other side clean and ready for a fresh start—”
“Only to end up dosed and OD’ing,” he interrupted, frustrated and angry about what happened to Juliana and him. If not for that selfish, destructive asshole, Juliana would be alive, and he’d be in a better headspace than he was now.
“Juliana lost her life. You suffered a setback in your recovery.”
“I’m not using again. I know I can’t. That OD really scared me, just like the near miss I had before Hunt arrested me and I went into rehab. But doing drugs, self-medicating and self-destructing, it’s not the same as what happened to Juliana. That guy went after her. He practically shoved the drugs up her nose. He wanted to get her high and loose so he could take advantage of her. He didn’t know the drugs were laced with fentanyl. Doesn’t excuse what he did to her. When she dropped to the ground, I tried to save her, gave her CPR, and the fentanyl got on my skin. I was done for, if not for Adria saving my life. I wasn’t the target, just collateral damage.”
“Is that how you see it?”
“How else am I supposed to look at it? I tried to save her, but in doing so, I got drugged.”
“Exactly. For all your efforts to do the right thing, unforeseen circumstances made it impossible for you to save her. That’s not your fault.”
“It feels like it is. If I’d taken the time to assess the situation...”
“She’d still be dead. Nothing you could have done would have saved her.”
Adria used the naloxone to savehim. What if she’d given it to Juliana instead? It might have made a difference.
“I see you playing the what-if game in your head. Let me repeat: nothing you could have done would have saved her.”
“Why do I get to live and she didn’t?” He couldn’t stop asking himself that question. “What have I done to get to live my life and she lost hers?” He could ask the same question about the men and women who died fighting with him overseas.
“Maybe it is as simple as you having another chance to live your life and possibly helping or saving someone else along the way.”
He didn’t want to hold another person’s life in his hands. The responsibility was too great to bear, because if he lost someone else, he didn’t know if he could take it.
“You have a chance to be happy and make others happy.”
He thought he could be happy with Shelby. He wanted to make her happy. She deserved it. She didn’t deserve to be judged by her father’s cruelty or mother’s downfall.
He’d be the one person in her life who always saw her.
“You get the chance to achieve your dreams and help others realize theirs.”
He wanted to watch Eliza grow into the beautiful, smart, strong woman she was meant to become because she’d have her mom and him to guide her. He wanted to see his little girl happy and healthy and thriving and becoming whatever her heart desired.
Dr. Porter replied as if he’d read Chase’s mind. “Make your life about that instead of what you can’t change for the ones you’ve lost.”
“I’m working on it.”
“I think this is a good place to stop. Our time is nearly up. Is there anything else you want to discuss before we end the call?”
Something else was on his mind. “My dad made this big gesture and really opened up to me about my mom and wanting to fix things between us. I think we made up, but I’m not sure how to move forward with him.” He didn’t want to go back to the way things used to be. It felt like they’d both changed and were different now.
