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I’d been looking forward to the talk, but if we skipped it and he leaned over and kissed me, I wouldn’t complain.
“You said some things on the dance floor and also when we got home. Do you remember what you said?” His voice was deep, gravelly and any chill I’d felt was gone as his raspiness warmed me from the inside out.
“No,” I answered breathlessly. “But I remember what I planned on telling you.”
“There was a plan?” His expression didn’t change but the dial on the intensity between us went up a few notches.
“Yes,” I admitted.
As nervous as I was, I was equally excited to finally get this out and more ready than ever. After spending the past four days with Cash my feelings for him had grown to the point that I was bursting. I feared if I didn’t get this out now I might embarrass myself, or embarrass myself more than I already had, at a later date.
“I was coming up to a deadline I’d given myself and after a couple of mimosas it seemed like the right time to execute that plan.”
“Deadline for what exactly?”
“My deadline to tell you that I was a virgin.”
Finally!
Was that so hard?
Cash’s jaw twitched and I noticed the vein in his neck pop out. The energy between us that had been simmering with intensity was now crackling with heated flames. The air was thick with it and I felt my head begin to spin.
Breathe, I reminded myself as I felt myself getting lightheaded.
After inhaling and exhaling slowly, deliberately, I continued, “And also that I want you to be my first.”
“Why?” he rasped as if saying the single word was painful.
“Because I’d been wanting to tell you for months and I knew that if I didn’t give myself a deadline then I would never do it. I would keep chickening out. Also, I thought that since you were a groomsman and I was a bridesmaid that I could use that as…” I was going to say technicality but then I remembered Isabella saying that I shouldn’t lose my virginity on a technicality. “As an in.”
“An in?” he questioned.
“You know, a loophole.”
“You think you need a loophole?”
“I need something. Obviously.” I let out a forced laugh. “I’m about to be a twenty-six-year-old virgin.”
“We’ll get back to that. I wasn’t asking why you gave yourself a deadline I was asking why me?” His words came out gritty and raw and I felt them vibrate through me. “Why would you want me to be your first?”
Wow. If he really had no clue why I would want him to be my first then maybe I had just been projecting what I felt this entire time. Maybe he really didn’t have any feelings for me. Of course, he didn’t. If He’s Just Not That Into You taught me anything it was that if he had then he would have done something about it.
“Never mind.” I shook my head and stood up wanting to escape this conversation, this room, this trip as embarrassment washed over me. I would go put sweats on and just forget this ever happened. “It was stupid.”
“No. It’s not.” Cash reached out and stopped me, his large, warm hand wrapping around my wrist.
I looked down at him and for the first time, I saw a vulnerability in his baby blues that cracked my heart even further open. Had he been seriously asking why him? Did he actually have no clue about how I felt or how amazing he was?
“Please, just tell me why,” he pleaded. “Why me?”
Even over the music, I could hear the pounding of my heart as my chest rose and fell in short labored breaths. “Because I…I wanted my first time to be special. I wanted it to be with someone that I cared about, that I trusted…that I was attracted to…that I…” my voice trailed off as I stopped myself from saying that I loved. I felt like that particular confession was one that could wait for another day.
I was so captivated by what was happening between us that I must have missed the lightning bolt because when thunder cracked loudly it scared the daylights out of me. I flinched as I jumped a few inches off the ground. When my feet landed on the floor again and my lids opened I saw that it wasn’t just me who’d had the daylights scared out of them. The storm had also knocked out the power. The lamp in the corner was out and the red digital numbers were no longer lit up, it was just a black screen. The only illumination came from another flash in the dark sky a few seconds later followed by a loud boom of thunder and I flinched once again.
It was after my second scare that I realized my entire body was trembling. I told myself there was nothing to be scared of. If anything the blackout added to the sultry, intimate atmosphere, but my brain was having none of it. It didn’t care that I was on the brink of crossing the finish line in the race to hand in my V-card.
The train had left the station to Panic Attackville and I knew that there was nothing I could do to derail it. My only option was to strap in for the ride.
