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Better now. “Okay.”
“Can we talk?”
Now my fake smile was back in full effect. I pasted it on my face and opened up my door wider. “Sure.”
I’d told myself that I was going to be supportive and understanding. And I’d made a deal with myself that I would not cry. The last thing I wanted was for Cash to feel guilty about being a father and having a family.
I loved Cash, and love wasn’t selfish. Loving someone meant wanting the best for them.
At least that’s the pep talk I was giving myself as we walked to the couch.
“I missed you,” he said as we both lowered down on the couch.
My heart skipped several beats at his admission, but I reminded myself that we were close friends and we hadn’t seen each other all week. There was a good chance he just missed hanging out with me.
“I missed you, too.” I smiled and tried to prepare myself to hear the news that he and Marissa were going to get married and live happily-ever-after.
I hoped that I could hold it together and wouldn’t break down until after he left.
You got this, I told myself.
“How is Amelia? How are things with you and Marissa?” I figured it was best to just rip the Band-Aid off and get right to the heart of the matter.
“Lia is amazing. She’s so smart, and funny. She loves building things or having me build things and then knock them down. She says da da all the time, she doesn’t know what it means, but I love hearing her say it.”
His face lit up like the Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center when he talked about his daughter and my smile grew to be genuine. I truly was happy for Cash. All I’d ever wanted was for him to find his happy. He’d seemed so at loose ends, like he hadn’t been sure of his purpose and now he had it.
“I can’t wait for you to meet her.”
I smiled.
“I mean, meet her again. With me. As my daughter.”
The night that Marissa had come over with the paternity test I’d told Cash that I recognized her and that I’d seen her baby, which at that time may or may not have been his child.
I nodded, holding back the emotion that I felt threatening the back of my lids. “I can’t wait.”
“How have you been? How are things with Oscar?”
“Good. We’ve talked a few times this week and he wants to come visit me next weekend.”
“Oh, that’s great.” Cash rubbed the back of his neck, the way he did when he was stressed, and I could see that he was struggling to find the right way to let me down easy.
I figured I would put him out of his misery.
“Cash, listen, I have loved the time that we’ve spent together. It’s been…great. And maybe if things were different, we might have tried to see where it could go. But you have a daughter now. And I really think it’s best if you focus on her. There’s going to be so many changes in your life.” I could feel my tears starting to come again as I thought about all the things that he had in store for him and that I wouldn’t be a part of it. “She needs you and—”
“I love you,” he blurted out.
“What?” I blinked, sure that I’d heard him wrong.
He took a deep breath. “I love you. I’ve loved you for so long, I don’t remember a time I didn’t love you. When you came back, I tried not to because of Billy and because I had no idea how you felt about me, but I couldn’t help it. The more time I spent with you, the more in love with you I fell. And when I tried to stay away from you, it just made me miss you and love you more.
“I love everything about you. I love that you have a smile tick, and you had no clue until I pointed it out. I love that you always have to have something salty when you have something sweet for flavor balance. I love that you have no idea how sexy you are and seem surprised every time I tell you. I love that every time you fall asleep you snore and drool.”
I inwardly cringed but pushed past it and tried to focus on all the good that he was saying.
“I love that you were trying to walk away from me even though you love me because you think that’s what would make me happy. That being with Marissa and having a family is what would make me happy. But you’re wrong. You are the only person I want to marry, to be my wife, to raise a family with. You are what makes me happy.”
